I Still Got It…

After everything that's been going on last week. I had the biggest scare of my life. I had a fender bender. I thought I hit a cop, which I did. And let me tell you I was crying on the inside but remained calm on the outside. He took my information and asked me for my license I told him that I had forgetten it, in reality I don't own one… yet. So I showed him my mother's insurance card and told the cop it was me. After exchanging information he stopped me midway to my car and said to me "So mami, wanna to go out some time?" On the inside I was like "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god did he just asked me out." So I looked at him and smiles, blushing like nobodies' business and said to him "Oh I'm sorry I have to rush home to take care of my daughter".

Now it wasn't because he was ugly. Believe you me… He was HAWT.. like SIZZLING HAWT. But I really had to go home and take care of Zoe, my daughter. She had a four day fever, nausea, diaherra and coughing. I took her to the clinic a day before. The doctor found nothing. But now she's feeling better.

Well, before taking off in my car. The cop tapped my window and smiled. I rolled the window down and he gave me his cell phone number. He then said to me "Call me around five pm tomorrow" And so I did. He didn't answer. I called again around 10 pm and he answered. He invited me to go out with him, dinner and dancing. But I kindly declined. I told him that I was married but kindly thanked him for the gesture. When I was talking to him on the phone it sounded like he was playing slow jams in the background.

The whole time I thought to myself. Oh my god… I still got it. 🙂

Shortly after that, I received a letter from my ex, from LOOOONG ago. Funny thing is… He was based on a character from my second, incomplete, story (Sins of a Chief Bandit). It kind of broke my heart because … in a nutshell he wanted to get back together after 6 years of not talking to me. We started to talk about what could have been and what if it was like if we were to marry and how many kids we were going to have. And up until this day he swears that it was my fault for what I did. But he loves me. Strange as that may sound, he does.

I mean come on, how long do you have to wait for someone to tell them you love them? He waited 6 years. We talked on and off because my brother found his number and started to harass him. So yeah that's how we got reconnected.

Well anyway, I apologized to him several times and I explained to him that I didn't know that she, his ex-fiance, was going to do what she did. He said that it was all in the pass and he wanted to start anew. He wanted to get to know me again. Meet me somewhere. Reconnect… Again. He wanted me to be his girl. And as much as I wanted to, because he was my real first love… I couldn't. I told him that I was married and I had a kid. That he was too late. He did a complete 180 on me. He then began to rant about he just wanted me for sex and that he never really loved me. I never told him off but that was the last straw. It's not like I was going to speak to him ever again. I told him that I hated him and my feelings for him were dead.

Feelings never really die. They just slowly fade until you find a new feeling to cover that up and that's what I did. He just got me a little too late. Deep down I know that he didn't mean what he said. I know that he loves me… because if he didn't why would he go and bother himself to look me up on myspace? Right?

Today I talked to my husband, after he came home from his cousin's house. He reeked of pot and looked stoned out of his mind. We were talking about his best friend. Ed. She has the most sexiest behind I ever did see. I'm so gay for her. LOL. I don't know how our conversation went from talking about the danger logos on cigarettes to Ed. What he said really threw me off. And it got me thinking. It really did. Then he said this "Ed said that we can't be together because we both don't work" And I looked at him and told him "So you're pretty much telling me that if you two were working you two would be dating." He gave me this look as to say WTF? I explained to him that I'm not a jealous person but I did put this card on the table: "Even though you two are best friends who's to say that one day you both will find each other? Look at us we were best friends and now we're married. And it doesn't help the fact that deep down she might, or still, want you"

He gave me a good look.

A real good look.

And he said to me. "I've been chasing you since 2001. And now I got you. We have a daughter. I want nothing else."

He left me in awe.

It's not that I'm jealous. I'm not jealous of anyone. I have trust issues and I'm paranoid. It's not to say that I've been hurt in a relationship because I have. Well, anyone whose read my first story knows what I'm talking about. But… Everything should stay in the past. And I'll keep it that way. It should stay that way.

After all that happened I decided to show him the letters my Ex sent me. He read them. Laughed. How pathetic he must of thought. He looked at me and smiled and said to me. "After all the other motherfuckers that has been chasing after you since I found out you existed… are pissed because I finally have you." I couldn't helped but smile. Then it finally hit me no wonder the guys call me the heartbreak kid I started to chuckle a bit. "It's funny because it's true. Almost all of your guy friends have been wanting me since high school. Both of you ex girlfriends wanted to molest me. What is it about me that makes them want me more?"

He walked over from the window, he was smoking a cigarette, to me and kiss me. And said to me "Out of all the girls I've dated, you are most forgiving. Most understanding. Most loving. But most of all you seem more human."
I guess what he was trying to say that I have real emotions and I'm very real? I still don't know I'm trying to figure that out myself.

He then kissed my forehead and said that he loved me. While I was playing my little bastard on adult swim [dot] com.

Love.

It's a feeling that sometimes makes us go crazy. We over judge ourselves without realizing it. Going crazy over the smallest of details overshadowing what truly matters. It's never what he said or she said. It's not what he's done in the past or who he's done it with… it's about the present. And if he's willing to go through this crazy roller coaster ride. If she's willing to see you through the worst of times and stay. If we can just sit and talk and watch a good movie like Forrest Gump or watch porn for that matter then that's friendship. True Friendship. That's love. Love is only having a friend with deep and raw feelings. Willing to go to the very end.

I guess what I'm trying to say is…

Is…

…

Love has a way of rearing it's ugly head and commits you into the looney bin full of other crazy, fucked up people. You just have to find the perfect match, or at least… find someone just as fucked up as you are and work it out as friends and beyond. Lol, or so my husband says. He sure do have a way with words. LOL