I may be a hard ass…

… but my heart is in the right place.

Happy 4th of July everyone.

I guess I could say that I've been through hell and back from this emotional roller coaster that I've been one for the past few days, shit I don't the past few weeks. I guess I could just put it into sections before I just bunch everything up and loose you guys in my 'mind'.

My Birthday, July 2nd.

My birthday was on a Thursday this year. I was surprise that anyone remembered. My baby sister woke up and the first thing that came out of her mouth was a Happy Birthday it really brighten my day because I knew for a fact that no one else remembered. Not even my mother. It's ok. I don't need to be babied for it.
My brother also wished me a happy birthday. My husband… well… knowing me for 8 years now you would think he remembered. He did 🙂

I don't ask for nothing from my birthday. I just ask that someone remembered.. Lol. But a gift is nice too.

Well, I didn't do much I just relax watched some movies, took care of my little girl. Cut an 8 inch vanilla two teer cake. It was good. I made my siblings sing the birthday song my daughter danced to it and she seemed to be amazed at all the candles. I was her first time seeing a birthday cake. After everything was said and done we didn't do much.

Looking for my own place… again

I went to a nice apartment place in a quite corner on the other side of Washington, DC, on the NW side. I applied since a guy that works there knew my father was tried to get me a hook up on an apartment. Well, I had a chance to meet the manage of this little quite paradise. She seemed nice and told me that she liked me. Unfortunately my credit is bad. Terribly bad. I know my credit is bad, been knew before I went to talk to her today. She seemed disappointed and said that I didn't qualify.

My credit wouldn't have ended up this way if my old job didn't try to fire me but push me to the brink of quitting, which I did. As the result of that… bad credit happen. I'm just so fucking happy that not over $5,000 dollars in debt.

Near Death Experience.

I was driving just the other day, picking my mother up from work. I was in my grove feeling good. The streets were closes a couple of yards ahead due to the Caribbean Festival. I was making a left turn into my mother's place of work and come this guy out of my blind spot and almost rams right into the side of my car, centimeters close; as to say the space would be as wide as your fingertip close. He honked and cursed at me. If it wasn't for his car blocking my door I would have gotten out and found this person. So I just drove into my lane and made another left turn, turns out this cat was following me. And every time I made a stop at a light this person would shot extremely close to me. Like inches close. But he soon stopped when the cop came around and decided to leave me alone.

Family.

I've been playing tug of war with everyone about who should be the godparents of my daughter. I've been fighting between my siblings and myself to get this dirty ass house clean. I've been yelling and screaming at my mother and that ugly bastard of a husband of hers showing them who Zoe's real mother is. Feels as though the whole world is against me. And it's not just in this house. Outside the house, aunts, grandmothers, etc… disapprove of my marriage… still.

I give them one pretty finger and smile because all they do is talk and not one of them appreciates what I do. None of them showed for the birth of my daughter except my aunt Flor and her three kids, my cousins, my father and my Husband entire family. They didn't give a damn that I went into labor and I caught the bus to the hospital. Especial this wonderful mother of mine who decided to fly to Mexico to visit this bastard and left me all alone; I asked my fiance at the time to stay with me. They don't even remember my birthday but remembers the bad things that I've done. Seems that everything little move I make is being judged without question. And frankly I'm tired of it. I'm grown I don't need this…

A New Job.

I guess I got hired. Lol, funny I know but I guess I did. I mean if a company asks you for a FBI check, CDA License, CPR (Child Protection Registration) check, and a Drug Test… I assume that I got hired. And if I did that's awesome. ^_^

What I applied for is to be an outreach social worker. (That makes 15-19 bucks an hour) So you know why I'm excited if I did get hired. I hope I start soon so I can fix my credit, and soon after that I can move out, and live my life where I last left it.

My Husband and I.

I guess I have to put this for last…

I don't know where to go from here. I may be a hard ass to him but my heart is in the right place. I don't mean the verbal abuse that I spit out of my mouth, and this only happens because I get angry. And the only reason I get so angry is because I feel as though I'm doing everything on my own. I pulled him to the side earlier this week and I told him… man up to your responsibilities or bounce… as I told you before this child was even born, I have no problems raising her on my own. and with that I told him to think of his decision carefully because this will decided if we stay together or not.

I haven't cried so hard in so long. It's killing me inside. But my angry overrides that and every time he walks through the door I have mixed emotions. I want to strangle him, kiss him, kill him, love him… so on and so forth. Based on his decision… will be the outcome of our marriage. I'm… so torn up inside. It hurts.

He's not a bad man. I am not just saying that because I love him, I'm saying this because of what I've seen. He's only here for his daughter, and at times I wonder if he's even with me. He does his father duties. Feeds her, changes her, bathes her. He gives me a break but where are the things our daughter needs to live? If he could only realize the length I go to put food on the table, to put clothes on our backs, shit.. to even fucking keep a roof over our daughters head. All I ask is to be appreciated, to be noticed… loved. I doubt he noticed that I cut my three foot long hair or that I changed my wardrobe. I'm not complain just notice the small things that I do to please him.

I'm so tired of crying… And I have never cried over a man before, not like this anyway.

I have no problem raising this child on my own… I wonder… how long will my courage keep up and when will these walls fall down? My thoughts are scattered and my chest feels weary.

Lately… I've been hiding everything… I just needed an outlet. Although this had no relation to everyone… just let me express it before I depress it and I will crack under pressure and for a the first time in a long time… I am finally moving forward.