I feel beautiful no more

I’ve been listening to so many songs in the past few days that I sometimes find myself rapping, in this case flowing to music. I’ve been told before that I can sing. Lol, though I find it to be funny I guess I have a voice decent enough to sing.

The song I’ve been singing lately is done by Eminem, Beautiful. I’ve been listening to Eminem since before he made it be. At one point I’ve had all his music, even his underground. Corny I know.

So as of late I’ve been feeling this song. Like I can relate to it in some weird way.

Also, my fanfic. I haven’t even started it because I’m not feeling the title or what I’ve put down as the plot. Thinking about it, I think it fucking sucks. Lol. It’s not my style so I’m just gonna go back to the blackboard. I have an idea… sort of. I just need to form it carefully… Lets see how that works out.

Turns out that I’m a super hero as well. A friend of mine, through my husband, needed help. After she told me that the Government cut her welfare completely without warning her, leaving her broke, starving, and without medical care. I took it upon myself to help her. Well, not all upon myself. Turns out that she needed someone she can trust and really understands her and knows the system well. I’ve only been in the system for about a year… and I’m ready to get out. Herself on the other hand … she needs it for her baby. I’m not going to go in greater detail because she confided in me. So she’s going into this hellish place for her child and I don’t blame her. I would go through that bullshit too for my child.

What I’ve realized as of late I’m taking so much at a time. I guess I make time for other people and just, subconsciously, block out my husband little by little. I’m taking this and that and becoming available for everyone besides him. I’m one tough act to follow I could only assume that I am doing this on purpose. Funny though, when I’m busy with the whole world… that is the only time he ever comes and finds me and loves me they way he do. All I can say is “I have to wake up early tomorrow…” or “I have a headache”… or “I’m not in the mood… maybe some other time.”

Harsh I know. Our lives don’t meet until dinner time. After that… everyone lives their separate lives.

What I hate the most… is living with a stranger.

Thinking about it now… beautiful fits perfectly now. Ironic.

Oh dear lord, I just want a break. I just want to be alone and breathe… if only that.

At this point in my life, I have never wanted a drink and a cigarette so badly. On top of that, I just want to go out. Party. But I can’t do that, just can’t leave my responsibility at the door of a night club. Ugh. I didn’t ask for this! And as of lately I just find myself ranting and ranting. Running around in circles trying to find a solution for a dying relationship. And I’m killing myself trying to survive. If someone could just walk a day in my shoes! Know how much my feet hurt. How much they bleed from walking from one corner of Washington, DC to the other. West to East, North to South.

At some point, it’s going to get harder and harder to breathe. And I feel myself cracking under pressure. And the last thing I need is to resent the man that fathered my little girl.

Hmm… I guess I have my idea. “My outlet.”

I’ll make my troubles into a story. See how far that goes. Just got to think of a title suitable enough for it.

By the way, I got my 17 dollar an hour job. Start next Monday, make my own hours and yeah… 🙂 I’m a social worker now. How awesome is that!

Also Today, I took my little brother, his friend, Zoe, and my little sister to the Air and Space Museum. Turns out they had fun. My dad went along too. We also went to the Zoo. The baby made the trip short though, she got fussy and sleepy so we just went home though. When I got home I was so fucking sore it hurt to sit down. I winced a little when I plotted myself down.

Walking all day is not fun. It’s painful. And my feet are ugly. I used to have pretty feet. 🙁 God what happened?

Nothing a pedicure can’t cure.

Am I Right?