P.S. I'm Leaving You…

… Or so it feels that way.

I don't exactly remember where I last left off. But this year, by far has been a little interesting to say the least.

Our fugitive visitor came and went. For months she stayed and then she left, fleeing back to Texas. She was the reason for my hiatus… or dare I call it that. My daughter is One now. And it's been one hell of a ride to say the least. She's walking and talking. Well, she just says daddy and dodo, and other phrases she caught on like 'who did that' and 'who's dat' It's too cute ?.

Also on her one year birthday… My husband left me. Without a word… Its been two weeks and not a phone call, a message, not even a comment. I guess he's doing fine since he accepted my friend request on facebook, yesterday. Damn bastard. Now I have a baby on my lap and books on my back. I'm in school for Medical Office Support Specialist. Don't get to excited, it just sounds professional. Lol, it's really just receptionist with medical background. I don't want to stay to long in school.

I was watching P.S. I Love You, with Hilary Swank and Gerald Butler (Now… every time I seen him especially in 300, I always make an announcement on the love making scene… "That's how a real man makes love to a woman… Now you [do it] like that from now on." lol.) and it made me a little sad.

In the movie I felt how Holly (Hilary Swank) felt after her husband (Gerald Butler) died, only that my husband didn't die… he just fell of the face of the Earth. So Holly eagerly waits for her dead husbands letters… I'm waiting anxiously by the phone or checking my myspace every four hours to see if he's written anything to me.

It's only been a couple of weeks and I feel like I'm already shutting down. Sure now since my fugitive visitor left you would think that I would have time, seeing that Zoe's in daycare all day, that I would play maplestory or something. I don't even have the need to want to do that. He sold the Wii he got me for my birthday. Thought he was going to use the money to help with the expenses of the baby. He didn't. He got selfish and bought himself a DS Lite… and wipes. Though I can wrap my words and say that he helped (buy some wipes) but honestly I would just be lying to myself.

Since my last blog until September 30th, Zoe's birthday, he still hasn't obtained employment… shit McDonalds doesn't want to hire him. It is a sad day on planet Earth when McDonalds doesn't want to hire you. So for that whole week, that last week we talked. We argued back and forth about money and where we will live… and the possibility of might having another child (Lets hope I don't jinx myself.) He said he was trying… and I want to believe him. But you can do but so much. I've applied to any type of company/organization/establishment known to the greater Washington area… and I couldn't get a job either.

Moving on, so for a while our argument stopped and we started talking about anniversary day plans. Which fell on a Friday, October 2nd. Shortly after that, from what I can remember, I had to leave to pick up Zoe from daycare. And when I came back, he was gone.

You could have imagined how heart broken that was. Though Zoe didn't seem to notice at first but that last few days she's been looking for him. Knocking on the bedroom door yelling dada/daddy. She sometimes 'float' over to the bed and she usually snuggles under her father. Now it seems when I have her in the bed with me that she can't sleep properly. I don't even have the help I used to when he was around. I have to wake up 45 minutes earlier than usually to just get myself and Zoe ready for school since I decided to take morning classes that starts eight o'clock sharp.

How do you tell a one year old that her father left her? How?

Never in a million and one years have I ever thought that I would feel that way I feel right now. I have never lost sleep over anyone, nor have I ever shed tears over anyone that was never worth my time. But here I am a 'single' mother crying and loosing sleep over someone that decided to throw in the towel instead of going to his family for help in obtaining a job.

God I feel so stupid.

Though I try to not let Zoe see me cry and I often tell myself it's going to be ok. It's hard to say that when the left side of the bed is empty and cold. When the lights go out… I can't help but throw up my emotions over a pillow he once slept in. He didn't pack his belongings. His clothes are here, his books/comics are here, so are his collectibles. I never felt this way before. I guess this is what everyone said when they say "Love hurts." Because if this is real love, then it's choking me. And I try not to think of the worse of things… Like imagining him sleeping with another woman or feeling relieved now that his 'ball-n-chain' is out of his life. I don't want to have to think of the things he is saying about me to other people.

Damn it, if this is love. If this is how it feels to loose someone, dead or abandoned, then I don't want to feel this anymore. It makes it harder to focus on the needs in life and I don't think that anyone in their life time should feel this way as I feel right now. Now I understand why there is fatal love/attraction… and I can understand why now some people just go so far out to prove themselves they are worthy of someone else love and they not have the time of day to even just look at you.

I try to play the events over and over in my mind to try to figure out what I said that makes him act this way. I try. I really do. However, all I end up doing is just breaking my heart that my little girl tries to mend with her innocents child's play.

Now scenarios play in my mind.. 'what if he found a job and he brings you out there to live with him? what if he's saving money to come out and see you? what if, what if, what if!!' I don't like living with what if. But I have been thinking of it as of late. 'What if he's with another woman' or 'What if he found a job and not have the time to message/call me'. The list can go on for as long as I can think them up. But I none have the time to sit here and read them.

And here I thought I would be typing up about something more interesting than my marriage problems. It's just that… I've been bottling up for some time now… and I honestly do not want to hear 'I told you so' about him from anyone that knows these troubles. Like my family, his family here, and friends who they too have troubles within their own relationships and worries of their own child/ren.

Sorry everyone… I didn't mean to throw up my problems on Vutales. It's just so difficult to channel these types of emotions without ranting… which by looks of it.. I did.

Sorry