I can sleep again.

First of all I wanna talk about the new look. Woke me up a little bit. I said to myself "Wow, so astronomical." I like it. I've always been fond of the greater beyond of our beyond.

I've had one hell of a weekend. I've been rushing in and out of the children's clinic fighting to almost every nurse available to get my little girl seen since Friday. Though from the first 11 months of her life… she was free of any sickness that would normally fall on a normal infant, mind you she's not a normal infant. She arrive two weeks late and she's getting all her 'milestone' a few months early. Before she turned one, all she had was a head cough and a spiked fever.

But this weekend…

I've never been so scared in my life. After going to the clinic on Friday, the 23rd, to check if she had an ear infection (She tugged on her ear a lot and coughed like a smoker). Turns out she did. Then all of a sudden following that evening, she contracts a stomach virus. At first I thought she was allergic to the antibiotics. I was wrong.

By Saturday morning, she seems a cheerful but she barely ate a thing. When her father showed up, strange I know, (I wish you all could have seen her face) her face lit up like a child on Christmas day or as if she seen Santa Claus in person. It wasn't the best time to talk since my daughter was falling ill without me knowing. So he just played with his daughter, spending time with her since he hasn't seen her last since he left on her birthday, almost a month ago. I guess it wasn't okay for me to just let him walk into my home and just pretend nothing happened. Strange enough to say, my heart still melts every time I see him. And sometimes I feel giddy when I do see him. It's complicated. And I'm confused. Here I sat frustrated with him and exhausted at the fact that I'm doing school and parenting on my own. It just seems unfair to me and all of a sudden he pops up…

Following into the late afternoon, early evening. She pukes whatever she puts in. Milk, Water, Cheerios. Seems that she couldn't put anything down, not even breast milk. I worried some but I didn't want to rush to the hospital. So I decided to put all her medications to rest for the remainder of the weekend.

On Sunday, she seemed dead. Depressed. Not eating. She only vomited and slept. Her father came by again. Saw her in this condition. "Give me my child" he said to me as he threw off his coat, book bag, and skateboard and took her from my arms. He stuck to her like glue.

As the day went on, she seemed no responsive to what we were saying to her. Not to the spoon filled with her favorite food (string beans) poking at her lips. Not to her favorite show that aired on Sunday morning. When she wasn't sleeping she would often have a blank stare that seems to go beyond from what I can tell. But that's not all that happened on that Sunday. We took this opportunity to talk.

As Zoe slept he and I talked of what happened. He cleared the air of certain things and the bottom line asked for forgiveness.

"Sorry I missed Zoe's party" was the first thing he said. I felt my eyes rolled at him, though I didn't mean too. "It's a little late for that don't you think." What I really wanted to say was you selfish mother fucker, here I thought you went walking to Pennsylvania or that you died… I preferred you died and not show up at my door but knowing me. I'm a kinder human-being… now.

"Please don't get mad at me." as he continued to talk, I felt my heart skip a beat. The worse scenarios began to play in my head. I didn't want to rudely outburst and said I knew it you cheating dog.. You fucked someone else! But as most good girls, I held it in and listened, "It wasn't right for me to just not show up at our daughters first birthday party. But I have been doing a lot of thinking. You are right. (My eyes widen a little at this part, he would never admit to it but I'm always right.) We can't raise a baby on love. I've been living with a friend of mine Greg and I've just been grinding the streets looking for a job."

As much as I want to believe him, I do believe he's been grinding the streets. His shoes now speak 6 different languages, if you know what I mean. The bottom of the soles are ripped to the point that the boots look like the have a mouth, and it's holding together by crazy glue and duct tape. He reeked liked a homeless person, and ate like one too. In the most hospitable manner, I gave him a clean towel and a change a clothes. I put his dirty laundry in a bag and put it in my hamper.

As he showered, I standing in front of the couch scripting the words of what I should say to him. Playing out scenarios that fly out of my head. Should I slap him across his chest and tell him that he worried me sick about him or Should I kick him out for being a lying fool. Well whatever scenario would play out first would have been fine if it wasn't for my stomach twisting in knots when I saw, from the corner of my eye, the bathroom door open. In only his jeans. I couldn't help but blush at the fact that I saw the body that made my daughter. I guess I got a little steamy.

"You look lighter…" I told him. "Yeah," he replied, "I had to actually scrub the filth of my body."

I sat down on the couch and he approached me. Sat across from me. "Why now? Why when I'm finally doing good for myself and for the good of our family do you leave in such a manner that makes others think that I am a fool." He didn't say anything. "I'm sitting here finally relieving myself from the way you just up and left and here you are picking off scabs that shouldn't be picked. It wasn't fair for me to just go ahead and picked up your fatherly duties. It wasn't fair for Zoe figure out that you're not here. It's not fair to your immediate family because you decided to give up and leave."

Not quite the scenario I was looking for He still didn't say anything. "You have no idea what kind of ridicule I went through trying to defend myself because my husband didn't show up for his daughter's birthday party. And because you left. And I became the butt of all jokes in my damn family and no one says 'you deserve better' they just say 'Oh, take care of your man, Ana (my mom), or he'll walk out on you too." Couldn't help but to choke up those last few words, "And it's not worth my energy to put my all into something when you, Rudolph, are not making a fucking effort to help me, to support me."

I felt warm tears fall down my face. I didn't do much to wipe them away. "I was really worried about you. I didn't know if you were a live or not. I didn't know if you were with a woman or not. I didn't know anything of your well-being. And that hurts. I never thought I'd love you the way I love you right now. And I didn't think it would hurt this bad. I'm happy to see you but I can feel my heart twisting and hurting. I don't know what to make of all this. And for the first time, I don't know what to do." I must have been crying at the point because he got up and wiped my tears away.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know I meant that much to you. I didn't leave because of you. I left because of your fucking mother. I hate having that bitch down my back about my parenting skills and not having a job. Her and her husband. Damn it… I'm living like a fucking homeless person. If it wasn't for my supplier (drug dealer) to give me a place on his couch, I would have really gone walking to PA. I haven't talked to my mother or brother about this shit. And I really need them to front me the money to move out there."

"So you're really going then huh?"

"Yeah. I just need some fucking money."

"You're looking for a job here before you leave, that is if you leave."

"Yeah I am. I'm not gonna stay in that mans house. He has no food and brings a different nappy headed hoe almost every other night-"

"You fuck 'em?" I didn't know what came over me, lol, It was an impulse.

"What? No! Nappy headed hoes aint my type…" Part of me wants to believe him, and then a part of me dont.

"You have better not. We're still married, legally, mother fucker."

He walked toward the table with the phone and picked the phone up. He reached into his pockets and punched in a few numbers. He began to call his brother. Turns out his mom picked up the phone. I heard them talk but I didn't pay attention. After all this time I guess you could saw I talked to his mother since he wanted us to be properly introduced over the phone. I told her my plans after school. She suggested that I come out there to live with them while I do my EMT Training. Then she wanted to talk to her son again. Suggested that he find a job out there and when he has the money bring his family out there. I told him I couldn't leave right away because I have to finish school. If you are going to get a job out there, just give me about half your check, I told him, Zoe's needs are getting expensive as she grows… diapers doesn't cost us $7.99 for a box… now it's $17.99 for a box of her size.

He agreed and I made sure I was loud enough so that his mother heard me. From the look on his face she seemed to agree with me.

After the phone conversation was done. He talked to his brother. Told him what happened and asked him if he could front some money. I thought to myself how can that guy have money if he's a freelancing tattoo artist who, on a whim, plays bass in his band. He's in the same condition I'm in, minus school… of course he doesn't have money. Before I knew it the phone conversation was over.

Before I could say anything…

He kissed me. Without warning. I felt my heart beat faster than I ever imagined. I've haven't had it it a while to I was weak about it. Though I can't really deny him anything because I know in my heart that I've missed him and that I'm not really mad at him anymore because I know he's here in the City, alive and I don't hate him because he gifted me a beautiful baby girl. And I know that he came clear across town to see his daughter and help me take care of her, even if it was only for a few hours. Now, at this very moment, I can't deny my heart of what it wants though as pathetic as this man may seem now. Though I can say without a doubt, my feelings for him amplified since he just appeared on my front door.

Love is a strange thing I'll tell you that.It's something that can't be described in words.

He led me to the guest room, since I share my room with Zoe and I didn't want to do it there with here sleeping, That's just rude.

We have done it as if it was our first time. He confused to me, in the heat of passion, that he really didn't 'fuck' someone else and that he only had eyes for me. Though I find it out to confess during love making. I'm starting to believe that this method of getting the truth out of men do sometimes work. Before him, and an ex. I dated a 'thug' and engaged to one too. I know what was I thinking. As he got me a ring he said 'I held up a liquor store to buy you that ring, baby.' (true story but I'll spill that out in a different blog).

After all was said and done. We laid there quietly. Listening to the wind blow into the small opening of the window. Also hearing the rain lightly pitter patter on the window. I looked at him while he was sleep. Thinking to myself, 'if I never see him again after this…' My train of thought broken when the phone rang. I decided not to answer so I just went to check on my daughter, sound asleep. I ended up falling asleep in my room and I felt his lips against mine though I didn't budge to move. I heard him press the buttons on my microwave, which was the real reason that kept me from going into a deep sleep. My microwave have some manly beeps to it.

Turns out he was making dinner. Spaghetti made his way. I got up, took a shower, and made my way to the living room. Watched a movie with him called snatched. Ate dinner. And sooner than I thought he left. He said he didn't want to be here when either my mother or her husband comes home because he'll 'beat the shit out of them' as so he elegantly put it. He proceeded to the door and told me he'll be back when it's convenient for me since I told him I might have to make up the hours I'm gonna loose because of Zoe being sick.

Later onto the night, for some reason I wanted to bake something. I don't know Baking eases my mind for some reason. I love baking cake more than eating one.

So I go over to my god-mother's house. She's a really nice person. He's my sound advisor. My friend. A Mother to me. So… is blunt and to the point kind of person. I went to borrow two 9" inch round cake pans. She knew something went down with me and asked me what happened. I guess I've must have been blushing really hard. I told her that my husband came over, finally, since he left and I told her what we talked about. And she looked at me and knew exactly what I was gonna say.

"I didn't think I was going to miss him as much as I thought I would…" I started to tell her, "I didn't think I would cry over a man. I didn't think I'd love someone like I love that black bastard (that's what I call him not a racial slur). Well, he came over today, told him what ate me up inside and I gave in."

"But the looks of your face, I say you did gave in. I don't blame you. If the love of my life came back to me… I'd give in too. You just surrendered your heart without even knowing it." She said.

I continued to tell her "I never thought I would love someone as I love him. And this coming from a young person that's been in far to many abusive relationship."

"What makes you love him", she asked me.

"The way he treats me, he loves me for me, he gave me a beautiful baby girl, he never looks down on me. But above all else he supports the decisions I make."

She cut me off by saying "Well, darling, then you know what you have to do. Try to get an apartment and let him live with you. Have you heard of The Real Househusbands of Atlanta?"

"No"

"Well, if you get your own place and let him live with you, he might end up being that way. Though you don't have to worry about daycare anymore."

"No, I won't do that."

"Why is that?" she asked.

"Because" I began to explain, "I'm a very traditional person. I find it that the husband should be the main bread winner and with my job I'll be the supporting bread baker. I can't let him live with me without a job. And it fucking kills me to say this but I won't let it."

"Good. I know it hurts like a motherfucker but that's the right choice. All he's going to do, if he is cheating on you, bring another woman into your home, and fuck her on your own bed. Is he cheating on you?"

"I hope not." I said to her, "I think I might be pregnant though. I haven't gotten my cycle since August. I got myself off birth control and only got one cycle and that was it."

"Is it his?" she asked. I could only give her a 'WTF' stare.

"Well, of course it is. If you are how far along do you think you are?"

"I dunno, a few weeks, a month maybe. I just haven't seen blood in my urine since I got pregnant when I first hooked up with the man."

"What are you going to do?" she asked.

"I'm going to keep it. It's not going to hinder my three year plan. Just a huge speed bump but nothing bad. Once the baby's three months I'll just stick the little sucker in day care."

"There you go! So, what's your three year plan?"

"Finish my Certify Medical Billing and Coding (Medical Office Professional… I changed my concentration at school) and Work for about two-three years, get my advanced Certification. Then after that, if I have some money. Clear my name in debts. And do EMT Training. Hopefully it goes out according to plan. And if Rudee, my husband, has a job before I finish school and moves out to PA then he's gonna have to wait. And if he doesn't have a job by the time I get one after I graduate… then there won't be room for him since I'm taking my father to live with me and he'll just slow me down."

"Damn.. So does you father still live here?"

"Yeah he does, I just don't want him to live with a bunch of drunks and he said he want's to live with me to be closer with his grandbaby and help out with her whenever he can."

"I'm proud of you. You got your life on track." she complimented me.

"Thanks." I smiled.

As I headed towards the door I looked at her, as asked her one question… "Is it strange to say that I'm not feeling the way I came in before? I mean… We did it. It was great but having the reminder that he's practically homeless without a job and on top of that I MIGHT be pregnant. I'm starting to feel different about this situation. But about him… I guess I'm a little love drunk."

"After a talk with a friend, venting out your problems, or having hot steamy monkey sex. You tend to reflect on things and now you feel different about them."
"Oh my god, I can't believe you said monkey sex."

We both shared a laugh, but I understood what she said.

Monday, I took Zoe to the hospital again. This time for the stomach virus she contracted on Friday from another kid in the clinic. The same clinic. The doctor saw me quickly provided that I didn't have an appointment but they passed my daughter off as an emergency since I told them she was vomiting almost everything to takes in and all she did was slept all day since Saturday, Friday night.

The doctor saw her. Gave her a little bit of water. Turns out she was thirsty. The only reason I didn't give my daughter anything to eat or drink for the fear of her throwing up. You know you loose more hydration when you throw up instead of not eating. I had given her some pedialite to hydrate her the night before but all she did was vomit it back up around six in the morning.

Turns out she still had a slight ear infection. A stomach virus. A chronic diaper rash that resulted into a mild type of yeast on her privates. A horrid cough followed by chest filled with mucus, and dehydration. Over one weekend.

The nurses injected her with antibiotics and prescribed her one pill for nausea. Turns out I had to stay a little longer than I thought due to the fact that she could have been allergic to the antibiotics. Turns out she wasn't. In no time she was awake more and smiling. Talking a little bit but she still slept. Following that evening I decided to wake her up gently and give her a half of her nausea pill and mixed it with water so she can drink it down. Then I fed her some heavy set foods like rice. She ate the rice as if she hasn't eaten anything in days, which is true… she hasn't.

Then within the hour, she wanted to walk around but she couldn't he legs wasn't strong enough. Since I've been carrying her non-stop since Friday night.

I thought I was going to school on Tuesday turns out I couldn't because Zoe was still a little weak from her being sick. She could barely walk. So I stood with her all day, balancing her with her hands in my own slowing regaining her stregnth to walk. Since now she has the strength to eat. And Tomorrow (or today if you want to get technical), Wednesday, she'll returning to school.. and to play with all her friends. And I have to report my absent behind to my Academic Adviser and explain myself since I've been missing since Thursday.

Oye…