Ghost

It feels as tho I am trying to remember something that I once let myself forget. Like a reoccurring dream that I can never remember.

Many times I find myself staring at blank screen lightly stroking my fingers on the keys of the keyboard figuring out how to properly word my thoughts without confusing anyone. To say the least I have a serious case of writer’s block.

Earlier in the day, I manage to find an old box with my old journals, sketch books, poems, love letters, unopened letters, pictures, everything you could image what a teenage girl would have before the era of smartphones and ipods touches. While reading these old journals and poems I honestly just barely remember them. It felt as those I was reading the writings of a complete stranger. There was one letter in particular that stirred my old heart. The day seem to stand still as I read my old journals, letters, and poems from this old box.

I laughed, I cried, I was confused at my own writing. That letter in particular; mention earlier was from a man named Louis. He wrote to me only once. He wrote of sadness and loneliness and how he sympathized with me for being alone in the world and how everything will be ok; how love with fix everything. His website, now unavailable, was of his work and he dedicated the home page to me with the words of William Shakespeare – Titus Andronicus: Therefore I tell my sorrows to the stones Who, though they cannot answer my distress, Yet in some sort they’re better than the tribunes, for that they will not intercept my tale; When I do weep, they humbly at my feet receive my tears, and seem to weep with me.
I never knew what became of Louis. I sought him a few months later after he wrote to me, his site wasn’t updated and the forum he managed soon ran out of topics to discuss and dwindled to little to no visitors… shortly after that it disappeared all together. Soon after that I quickly forgot about him.

I manage to find old documents, hospital papers, of an accident I was involved in and how I managed to obtain the large scars on my shoulders. I also found an old train ticket to British Columbia Canada. It was an Oh Yeah moment for me because I had planned to run away but never got around in doing so.
Digging and Digging some more, pleasant memories starting to make me cringe a little and my heart soon became heavy. It is something that I am still debating whether revealing it or not. My ghost caught up to me and my feelings of regret soon followed.

I wiped the tears from my face with the sleeves of my sweater as I still rummaged through these old papers and pictures and came across a picture I thought I once had gotten rid of. For some reason I felt angry. I couldn’t look at this picture any longer and I just stuffed everything back into the old box and pushed it into the catch-all closet, as you may know it as the junk closet.

I sat at my computer for what it seem like hours, digging up old websites that I’ve created, became a member of, and sponsored. I manage to dig up old emails, pictures, and old songs that I forgot about. I read both of my live journal accounts and closed them. My RPG blogs on Xanga still remain intact tho. I believe it to be on of my best writing in years. I plan to keep them all and download all 8 RPG blogs and compile a book from that, if the time is given to me to do so. I deleted my myspace a few years back, my old hotmail accounts, yahoo; geocities, tripod, my old guestbooks, migente. it has all been deleted.

I couldn’t mustard the courage to delete this site apart from everything else. I still lurk here reading what others have to say. This, and a few others is all that remains from my killing spree. At some point I know I’m going to regret it but I realize that at some point I am not going to remember. I choose not to.

To the new year… 2012
Strangely enough I find myself tracing back to my old self and every time I do so I forget. I believe its nice to remember what made us who we are now once in a while. After all it is always good to know I wasn’t born already 24 years old.

My feelings are only human and no one said being human was easy.

Looking at back then and Right now. I’m pretty happy with how i turned out to be. From a whinny teen to a mid 20’s career mom. I’m pleased with the outcome. My only regret is not having read any of these unopened letters that I’ve kept. And I’m keeping it that way. Even though it is already late and it was at least 10 years ago. No point in reading them now. It wouldn’t change anything.

I guess… I just had to say hello to my own Ghost.

~Aaru