Modern Zombie

Hello,

It’s been a long time.

Old friends; New friends, I’ve hope the year 2012 has good to all of you. I also hope that this year, 2013 has been generous to you all so far.

I have read on blog post, pertaining to Modern Adult life versus the life we took for grated in Middle/High School.

http://www.vutales.com/blog/2410/141-Characters-Later.html

I don’t know if I have the right to call myself an elder, but I’ve been playing MapleStory since it’s beta stage. And I have stuck with it, or at least tried too, up until Aran saga came out. For me it has become to condense and complicated with all the new changes and everything in between. I am far from impressed on how everything is just simply given now as suppose to the golden age where it literally took a normal person to grow from 1-60 in a weeks time. Unless you didn’t eat or sleep and just grind without using any hacks, that I commend you.

Since my only favorite, and much appraised, MapleStory account was hacked it literally took me years to get into the swing of things. Taking a new approach from ice/lightening wizard Aaru, to my cranberries clan starting with my Aran; Bloocranberries.

Now I’m sitting here thinking back about the golden age where basilmarket was around, and mmotales are alive. And everyone, including myself, published beautifully written fanfics. (and me getting interrupted everyone time I trained for question about the next chapter [good times]). We were all young and full of life and everything just seem to fit.

As the years went on, it got a little quiet. People moved on from there online lives to handle personal business away from the keyboard. Our numbers dwindled and finally mmotales was shut down. But we clung to hope, and created a new place were we could actually revived what was once lost. But silence still crept and the years seem to grow longer. We often check this home from once a day, became once a week, once a month, and unfortunately for me, once a year. Twice if I’m lucky.

I hate to say it: I grew up.

I took the responsible role of being an adult. With college, my first job, place, marriage and then child. Not knowing what the hell I was doing- let alone far to prideful to ask for anyone’s help, not even my own mother. My gaming and avid love for anime began to dwindle. My love for sketching began to fade. My social life was dying. The more hours I pounded into this repetitive mind numbing job, the more money I had; the less time I had to actually enjoy it. Adult life soon followed suit.

As any normal young adult, I moved from home. My first place. With the man whom I thought was my love. [As for those who read Ice Covered Road to Dreams would have already known that it represented my current love life… at that time] Then shortly after bore his child. The perfect American Life, or so I thought. When the economy turned a page for the worse, it hit us pretty hard. I had given up my home because of rent inflation, with a newborn and no place to go I was forced to swallow my pride and called the one being I despise their aid from, My mother.

Thanks to my lucky stars I was able to move into her home, with a newborn she had just only met, with my recently wedded husband. Months felts like Years rolled by until I landed a small gig, going from stocker to manager in less than a year, to only loose it all due to the company going out of business. Trying out small gigs until I was able to find the alleged perfect job. As a customer service representative, my duties were far more than anyone else’s in the store. from restocking the refreshment center to phone sales and collections I did it all. My weekly hours became 40 to 45 to 50 to 60 to 65+ and I slowly began to see my daughter less and less however assume the role of Sales Manager/General Manager. At times there were days, even weeks I had gone without seeing her or my husband.

An incident at work made sure that I would NEVER go home (that is another story within itself). Never saw daylight for seven months. The money was decent but it was never enough to find a cheap place for my family to move into, the money was only enough to pay a little return to my mother and a car note that I had recently got. My excessive work hours caused a rift in my relationship that it began to hinder my husband’s work schedule. He took it upon himself to quit his job to help with certain things that needed to be done at home, including taking care of our child.

One day, I had a late entry to go into work, I had actually had taken my daughter to school (recently about a week ago yesterday) something I haven’t done since the first day of school back in August 2012. Zoe, my daughter, had advise me that she wasn’t feeling well and her ‘tummy’ was hurting. Being the career mom that I was, rushing all the time and just trying to push my daughter into her classroom she emitted her dinner from the night before all over my work shoes and on hallway floors. This had taken me aback. A pain in my chest just spark unexpectedly; my maternal instincts arose and without hesitation I took my daughter to the emergency room. Zoe continued to emit on my work uniform and went in and out of consciousness. I have only seen her go through something like this once before, when she was about a year and a half old. My guess she had a stomach virus.

At the family clinic, was a received in as an emergency by her doctor who was kind enough to help her. I tried giving her at least some water while we waited be she couldn’t even keep it in her system long enough to hydrate herself. As we waited this sudden surge of guilt and regret just overwhelmed and I couldn’t help but cry and apologize to my own child. She had often asked my why did I always have to go to work, and often she would ask me to not go to work a certain day just to spend time with her. As a mother I became mortified with myself and a hypocrite at that. I had promised myself I would never put work or anything else before my daughter when she was born, and now I’ve done the exact opposite.

At this time it’s Noonish and I had no choice but to call my job, since I was already four hours late. As I explained everything to the newly hired manager, someone to help me run the store because I as assistant manager could not and will not do it alone; threaten me with a write up if I didn’t show up for work before one o’clock in the afternoon. I respectfully declined and requested a sick day to be use since I was calling out and it was denied. I held the phone next to my left ear and had my daughter sleeping on my lap, petting her head with my right hand, feeling her forehead which was a little warmer than usual to the touch. I simply hung up the phone and waited patiently for the doctor to arrive and sent me and my daughter home.

As we arrived home, I lay my daughter on my bed and allowed her to rest for the day. At this time it was already five o’clock and I have wasted my daughter in the family clinic. I sat in front of my computer and began writing my resignation letter. With a proper signature, an envelope, and a key to the store now neatly in place. I wait for my husband to come home from his job hunt. I explained everything that transpired and he couldn’t have been more stressed out, thinking of our financial future. Marriage can be so complicated but that’s a whole different story on it’s own.

In the same work clothes, my right shoulder pretty much covered in my daughter’s vomit. I went straight to my job with the resignation letter in hand. Customer in store I was drunk, or I had partied a little to hard, whatever they said of me didn’t concern me much however, I felt they’re judgmental eyes follow me from one end of the store to the office were the manager had been expecting me. I firmly placed my resignation letter on her desk and told her I quit. She looked up at me, a cold stare that actually sent shivers down my spine. The Store Manager and I actually had some history before, working together, flirting, kissing… I had never seen such a cold and dead look in her eyes. ‘I had a feeling you was going to quit on me’ she said. Another surge of guilt rush through my body, a guilt of leaving such a big responsibility undone, my showroom floor incomplete, customer orders, services, and phone sales were never done unless I was there to do them. ‘I could have changed you into something extravagant’ she said to me. I managed to shut both office doors and sat at her desk. She looked at the condition my uniform was in, I felt her judgmental eyes piercing through me like a christian judging an atheist. Of course, like any other human being she asked what happened and I reiterated everything I had said to her from our phone conversation.

It was an awkward silence. I did not bother to ask who would replace me nor did I care. I left her office and picked up the rest of my belongings, and said my good byes to my employees and co-workers. One by one they asked what happened to me and why I was leaving. I explained to them in details and I am explaining it now in this blog. As a woman and mother I doubt they understand the pain and guilt that plagued me the entire day. One actually begged me to stay because he could not stand the new store manager.

As we all chatted for a brief moment, I received a call from my uncle. I guess my husband had told him and he knew my uncle needed drivers for his business. My uncle, in a nut shell, offered me a job with pretty much double from what I was making in the store. Both employees were shocked and actually mocked me for have such ‘good luck’. I couldn’t help but to smile at that. I gave them a hug and one of them was actually kind enough to walk me back to me car. I guess the store manager was bitter for my abrupt and unexpected resignation that she wrote him up for walking me to my car.

As I sat in my car, I called the Regional Manager, someone who I was really close with. explained everything that transpired in the day and told her that I resigned. I thanked her whole heartily and told her I would pop in from time to time to visit. As I drove out of the parking lot, I managed to look back. I saw the store manager looking back with a mix look of anger and sadness. This is the last time I’m going to see her I thought to myself. And it’s been true up until this day. It feels like the weigh has been lifted from my shoulders. I have a job I actually enjoy, I make my own shift, leave early, able to see my daughter, AND able to make double from what I was making in the process. Although I’m still getting used to it, I am going to push through and be the best, as I’ve always had in many previous jobs and damn well make sure I WILL surpass all others..

Mind you everyone this is fairly recent, it happened last Thursday, April 11, 2013.

I don’t regret the decision I made. Although my days are longer due to the early am shift, I am able to set my own hours. I leave around noon some times, have just enough to catch up on sleep and I am able to see my daughter everyday when she comes home from school. I will miss the people I had the pleasure of working with, but I will not miss the job itself. I had become a modern zombie, instead of being obsessed with brains I was obsessed with making more money but working more hours and always worrying about having just enough money to pay bills, rent, car note, insurance, and food. Instead of getting a job that just pays more while working a basic eight hour shift, a 40 hour work week … I was becoming a Modern Corporate Zombie… never going home and never seen my family. Now… I am able to cook for the family, saving up money for a new place, and be there for my daughter. Now one last thing on my list is to work my marriage out with my husband before it is too late. (yet again this is another story that may be worth telling some day, just not today).

This hasty decision has given me a new opportunity in my life to game again, to watch anime again, to sketch again, to be social with friends again. I have my life back. So much so that I believe I am actually able to get a second job, or even better, finish up my Bachelors in Art.

Don’t be a Modern Zombie.

~Aaru