So, I know Pirkid basically owns the Ero category, has anybody claimed Rants yet? I'm thinking of making this a bi-weekly thing if it's well received. I'm a complainer by inclination, and alot of my friends and family in real life enjoy my snarky sense of humor (when it isn't aimed at them, anyway) so I've decided to put some of it down in words. Why not share it with you guys too? We'll be starting with a good one, so hopefully I can attract some regular readers early on.
Those of you who live in the USA know an important contemporary issue that politically minded adults sometimes whine about is illegal immigration. "Oh no, they're coming in and not paying taxes, blah blah blah Social Security blah." That sort of thing. I'm not here to talk about the ethics of the situation, but to ask, why is it such a problem? Regardless of whether it's right or not, our government wants to halt illegal immigration.
C'mon guys, this is easy. Right now we have cowboys and chain link fences. All we need to do is build a sturdy wall with heatseeking rocket launcher turrets every hundred feet or so. Would that get expensive? No, actually. The feds already spend plenty of money on all sorts of stupid garbage, and here's the thing, with this in place you could just unman all the borders, and cut budgets alloted for finding and deporting those illegals who'd have otherwise gotten in. The biggest expense is rockets, and really, you only need to fire an automated heatseeking rocket launcher turret once before people stop going near it.
For those of you who somehow got in here without reading the title, that's what this blog is all about. My proposal is this: I believe you can solve any problem, any problem at all, given sufficient time/money/technology, with the right sort of turret. By turret, I'm referring to a typically stationary self firing gun or cannon. As opposed to writing up new scenarios from scratch, I'll pull this great chat log of conversation I've previously had already:
My online friend Charlemange is talking about grinding his trade skill in World of Warcraft, fishing. Basically, he needs to catch a freaking lot of fish. Typically, you have to cast a line and wait about 22 seconds per fish. It takes forever. I tell him to use my solution instead.
Charlemange: 351 fishing
DaMunky89: You need a fish launching turret.
Charlemange: That actually wouldn't help me in the least.
DaMunky89: Yeah. The fish would be right there.
DaMunky89: Then you could just snap the line and hook them before they hit the water. *lol*
DaMunky89: Technically it'd still be a catch.
DaMunky89: Just no ~22 second wait.
DaMunky89: =D
DaMunky89: It'd be a device that sits under the water, sucks up fish, and then shoots them into the air above the surface of the water.
DaMunky89: ^_^
Charlemange: <_<
DaMunky89: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT FISH TURRET.
Charlemange: I don't think that would count.
DaMunky89: Would too.
DaMunky89: The fishturret would be an item that adds 1000 to fishing.
Charlemange: To be honest, leveling fishing is on the back-burner now.
DaMunky89: :<
DaMunky89: But but but fishturret…
Charlemange: It's all about farming the fish so that I can make the feasts when I can afford them, which means that's really all about being able to afford them in the first place.
DaMunky89: Okay. So instead of having fishturret shoot fish up in the air for catching, have it shoot them on shore and land next to your campfire. =D
Charlemange: Still doesn't help with the cooking awards for the feasts.
DaMunky89: What are those again?
DaMunky89: I need to better understand your problem so I can apply a turret to solving it. ^_^
Charlemange: Awarded for each of the daily quests completed.
Charlemange: Obviously you can only do one per day.
DaMunky89: Okay. So you have a turret that fires amnesia inducing nerve gas.
DaMunky89: Mount it next to the guy giving out your daily.
DaMunky89: Do the quest, nervegas shoots him.
DaMunky89: ^_^
Charlemange: It wouldn't work on a computer program.
DaMunky89: If it were programmed into the game as an amnesia-turret it would! xP
Charlemange: Neh
Charlemange: NPCs are actually immune to that shit
DaMunky89: Psh.
DaMunky89: If you had a turret with omnidirectional legs and AI pathfinding based on a GPS uplink, it could navigate to Blizzard headquarters and then threaten to shoot employees with a rocket launcher if the number of dailyies allowed per day were not increased.
DaMunky89: xD
Charlemange: ///
Charlemange: …*
Charlemange: That would render the awards virtually inconsequential, and kill one of the achievements linked to the Chef title
DaMunky89: Well then, you don't want the number of dailyies increased.
DaMunky89: You don't want your 'problem' solved.
DaMunky89: It therefore isn't a problem, and you're just bitching. ^_^
DaMunky89: Turrets can fix bitching too, incidentally. Just mount one that threatens to shoot anybody who bitches with a rocket launcher.
DaMunky89: Incidentally, alot of my turret related solutions culminate in threatening to shoot somebody with a rocket launcher. xD
But anyway, you get the idea. Now, guys, it's your turn. I challenge you to post a problem that I can't fix with a turret. And I will foil you. >:3 So hey, if this entertained you in any way, click the 'like' button! And tell a friend maybe. xP
-Zack
33 Comments
-points out- Illegal immigration is benefiting the overall economy of the US economy, regardless of how you look at it. They take the jobs no sane educated American would do.
Also:
Typo.
And, there are many things that you can’t fix with a turret. For example, cracking open a chicken egg without ruining it’s contents in the process.
Here’s one. Use a fish turret in a way so skinning a bear shouldn’t aggro every bears in a 40 yard radius.
What about a turret turret..? :O
@David: I actually don’t favor shutting out the immigrants, illegal or otherwise. I’m just sayin’. *lol* Also thanks, typo fixed. To open an egg without ruining the contents, have a laser cutting turret precisely controlled by an attached computer slice the shell exactly in half, with a controlled enough beam soas not to heat or disturb the internals. Part of the turret’s base would hold the egg by either end rotate it lengthwise to aid in this practice.
@Arladerus: I don’t play WoW much, but now that you mention it that would be useful. ^_^
@Ganzicus: How do you think I’m distributing all these high tech turrets in the first place?
What about global warming?
ROFL.
You are my new role model. XD
My answer to your challenge… is the challenge itself. Use a turret to find a problem you can’t fix with a turret.
How are you gonna do that, huh? 😀
I completely agree with this idea.
I goes with the sensual state that ANYTHING can be made a projectile for the turret, and the turret can be infinitely strong, completely flexible, and have no mass. 😀
@Zhlink: The boring way is to create turrets that produce new ozone by irradiating oxygen with ultraviolet light and then releasing it into the atmosphere. The interesting way is to mount rocket launcher turrets outside every house, and then have them fire at any homes that produce too large a CO2 footprint. =D
@Annona: In our own plane of existence, all things are solvable by turrets, so to find a problem that can’t be fixed with a turret you must exit to an alternate plane where the laws of physics are significantly different. The most feasible way of doing this is to exploit the warping of space found in the field around a black hole. Of course, you can’t easily escape a black hole, so instead of entering it unaided you’d come equipped with a turret capable of launching a small passenger pod fueled by negative mass propulsion. By traveling close to the crush point and then exiting in a different direction from whence you entered, one can theoretically travel unfathomable distances beyond the scope of the known universe.
I mean, that or we could just tack a rocket launcher onto an Improbability Drive.
@Pirkid: Yes, that’s it exactly! The turret can be simply as strong as you need it to be. But however, for the sake feasibility, hilarity, and cost effectiveness, part of the point is to use turrets to find the bluntest and most simplistic solution available. Ideally involving threatening to shoot somebody with a rocket launcher.
I hate physics. XD
I assume by turrets you mean Sentry Turrets, as in unmanned stand alone units. This alone is incredibly hard to produce and have work effectively as it in essence it requires too much effort to create a ‘thinking’ weapon which can decide by itself. Also, the question of limited ammunition comes into account.
And how do you have the technology to do your conversion of whatever?
Munky, the answer to your challenge is simple.
What if both sides have turrets? Who’s the winner? And if both take out each other, do turrets *really* solve every problem? =P
@Axiom:
Yes, what I meant, as stated earlier, is in effect a sentry turret. As for concerns about turret AI, this is a trivial matter. It doesn’t have to be smart, just scary. The turret will simply scan an area, and activate when it sees movement. This is much like the way a security camera works, but instead of recording the moment, the turret would blow it up. I mean, obviously you’d have to be able to set the sensitivity level so it’s not shooting animals and leaves all the time, but in high security areas where you can’t risk anything getting by at all, you’d just ensure no animals/leaves/etc can get in to begin with. Before you ask, the way one would avoid being shot by their own turret is carrying a transmitter that signals them as friendly. I’ve already addressed the concern of ammunition:
Yes, this only applies to certain types of turrets, and certain situations, but all the best turret solutions involve threatening something with a rocket launcher anyway. If need be, one could provide a movable base and somewhat more advanced AI for gathering appropriate projectiles, such as picking up stones or returning to a reload station.
@Zhlink:
Please refer back to my initial proposal.
@Imppala:
In the situation you pose, Imppala, the solution is to “get stronger turrets to kill the other side”. Just because only one side is likely able to implement the solution doesn’t make it any less valid. Also, if both sides kill each other, the turrets have simply solved the conflicting problems of both sides simultaneously. Incidentally, they’ve also proved turrets are smarter than humans. *lol*
Munky, the polar caps have melted and the oceans have claimed all the land on Earth. What should the turret do?
Well Imppeh, that depends, are humans still alive?
If yes: Kill them, go to “If no”.
If no: Build an advanced civilization of super turrets, and then pick up where human space travel left off, to eventually conquer the entire universe!
Munky, the world has been destroyed in an instant, turrets and all.
Now you’re just saying that turrets are intelligent robots with a purpose in mind.
Maybe as well say Robots are the Solution to Every Problem.
@Imppala: What you pose is not a problem to be solved, but a problem already failed to be solved. Because this scenario is no longer a problem, but a resolution, there is nothing for turrets to solve.
@Pirkid: Robots are only the solution to every problem if they’re also turrets. Because you can put a turret on a robot, I suppose yes, it’s possible to say that the right sort of robot can solve any problem. This however violates what makes my proposal entertaining, to use the simplest turret possible for your solution(s), and if at all possible conclude said solution with threatening somebody with a rocket launcher.
Also, if you believe all that hippie “ghost in the machine” dogma, all machines can potentially become a thinking machine with a purpose, given enough time.
ok hmm…
if we are talking about a stationary turret.
Then walk 2 steps in front of it :3
If not stationary then
Find the meaning of life(no ending all life to skip the question)
You have to determine the correct amount of infrastructure and intelligent for a given Turret A in a certain situation.
@DarkDragoon: The right turret for the right job, of course. If the problem you pose is “I need a turret that can still function at two steps away from its target”, then the answer is to use a turret with more discrete projectiles. Like for example powerful poison darts. That way the turret doesn’t blow itself up the way it would if it fired a rocket at point blank.
Also, we already know answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42. Incidentally, the question to life, the universe, and everything is “What is 6 x 7?”. There doesn’t seem to be much of a problem to solve here, but I suppose if you insist we could use a turret that fires informational pamphlets teaching the tenets of Douglas Adams.
@Pirkid: Yes, in the same way you have to determine what sort of base to give it, what sort of ammunition, etc. But in terms of turrets becoming sentient, the Ghost in the Machine philosophy states that all AI may eventually become self aware anyway.
I think DarkDragoon meant for the stationary turret to move two steps in front of itself, Munky.
Oh, he wants the stationary turret to move. Well in that case, give it its rocket launcher back. Make the turret lightweight but stable, with low-friction pads on the base. Then when it fires backward, it’ll slide “two steps” or so forward.
Edit: Alternatively, give it a speaker and recorded voice that shouts “You there! Move me two steps forward or I’ll shoot you with a rocket launcher!” at passerby. It fires warning shots past their head if they don’t listen. *lol*
NO
YOU SHALL NEVER BE THE RANT MASTER
VICEY HAS THAT >O
This isn’t ranting. This is more like…peaceful, sarcastic criticism? o_o
I’m gonna shut up now.
Even though the rant wasn’t rant-ish, I still laughed my ass off and enjoyed it xD
But that still wasn’t a stationary turret then munky ;3
@Vicelin:
This was more meant to be funny and snarky. I’ll post something angrier next time. *lol*
@DarkDragoon:
I’ve defined “stationary” to mean “without a specific function designed primarily for movement”.
Well I have defined stationary as an object who stays in the same place possibly rotating but not moving from that DAMN place
WTFOMGBBQTURRETS?!
@DarkDragoon:
Please refer to my original proposal.
I believe you can solve any problem, any problem at all, given sufficient time/money/technology, with the right sort of turret.
If the problem is “create a turret that can move”, you would never select for the job a turret that cannot move no matter what.
Also, calm down, this is just for fun.
@Nass:
Yes.
But we’re going by my perfect world :[
-sniff-
I will wait patiently for that rant >:3