Lee’s Autobiography, page 2

(DarkDragoon) Lee’s Autobiography, page 2

Page 2: The Chippendales

Now if you don’t remember what happened in page 1, or you didn’t want to waste 5 minutes of your life reading page 1 (not that I can blame you, quite frankly, it was terrible, and completely unlike page 2), I’ll summarize it in this (short) synopsis below.

…

Sorry, I was rereading Page 1, I had no clue what I wrote. I actually laughed, but it was sort of a pitiful, weak laugh, like, “haha, the person who wrote this is clearly crazy or must have been really, really high.”

You should totally read it if you haven’t. Or don’t. I don’t care. link for the lazy

Right. Synopsis.

Lee was born destined for greatness – he was very popular in primary grade, but after getting struck with an unfortunately with the incurable disease that was known as freckles, he soon lost it all. His mother passed away, and his father fell into debt. It was up to him to save them. He became a police officer in the hopes of joining the military, who were conducting trials on recreating bodies of people that passed away from disease, and this meant big money as well as a chance to become a whole family once more.

And now we finally come to Page 2.

Page 2: The Chippendales

Male strippers, by trade, were seen as a much less lucrative career path than female stripping. That is – not to establish any sexism and whatnot – but in this universe, Chippendales were often frowned upon. That’s just the way it was, unless, of course, you were a recently dumped female that needed comfort and not in the form of tubs of ice cream – that’s when Chippendales seemed like Jesus reincarnated.

So what did Chippendales have to do with Lee?

As it turns out: everything.

When Lee first joined the police academy, he met Kevin, a bright and promising recruit. Kevin was everything Lee wasn’t. Kevin was handsome, with a face not unlike Thor’s, and a body to match. He was tall, attractive, and the female cadets all swooned over him.

But he had one thing that wasn’t desirable in a mate.

He was gay.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Geeze, David, you’re being awfully homophobic here. And in my defense, I’ve yet met an actual person of that caliber that wasn’t gay.

By that caliber, I mean, have the name “Kevin”.

The military (by proxy, all police forces as well) had adopted a “Don’t Show, Don’t Tell” policy. That is, if you were getting erections in the male locker room, you shut up and never made a remark about it. Unfortunately, when Kevin got… excited, it was kind of hard to not notice.

So Kevin got kicked out of the academy.

Before that though, he became very good friends with Lee. Lee was exactly the type of person that Kevin wanted in a friend. Lee was thoughtful, caring, but was also clumsy and quite frankly, adorable to observe. Sort of like a kitten on display. Kevin felt it was his duty to protect and shelter him. Unfortunately, being kicked out also meant saying goodbye to his friend. So, seeking companionship once more, he decided to become a Chippendale.

Fast-forward a few years, Lee has graduated, was on his 5th mission with deputy sergeant Omaba, and had run the suspect/victim over. Well, more like under, considering it was the person that flew above them.

They both got out the car, looked at the victim, who was clearly dead. However, their goal was actually the briefcase, which, miraculously, sat pristinely on the sidewalk, where the person had left it. It glowed innocently, complete unaware of the travesty that had just transpired before it.

“Well, you gone and done it now, Lee, you actually killed a guy.” The sergeant sighed. He pulled out a cigar from his left pocket, a lighter from the right, lit it, and took a long drag. “I don’t suppose you can open up that suitcase, can you? It’s got the documents pertaining to some experiment they were conducting down in Town Hill on the water supply for the residents.”

Note that they were in Texas, and Town Hill was a medium sized town that was mostly isolated from the rest of the state.

Lee stumbled across to the suitcase, his body was numb from shock, but orders had to be followed. And if Lee was good at one thing, it would be following orders.

He clenched the briefcase to his chest, and wobbled slowly back to the car. Placing it carefully on the hood, he awaited further instruction.

“Well? What are you waiting for? Open it!

And so he did.

80 miles away, Kevin was working the early shift. He was the only one there, apart from two passed out women who were snoring on the floor, sleeping on what seemed to be pizza slices, but because the lighting was so dark, it was impossible to tell if those were pizza, or condoms. Questioning his life decisions, Kevin strolled around the stage, doing pirouettes from time to time to a non-existent audience.

Suddenly, the doors burst open, and light streamed into the amphitheater.

Kevin, half blinded by the light, could make out the shadows of about half a dozen people, moving towards the stage slowly. As they got closer, and as Kevin’s eyes adjusted, he noticed that they were all limping, and had eyes that had no irises and were completely white. Nervously, he attempted to greet them. No response. They just shuffled slowly towards the stage.

And that’s when one of the passed out women turned around to readjust her sleeping position. Pizza (oh, thank goodness) was still stuck to her hair like some sort of fashion accessory. The newcomers noticed this shift in movement, and started lumbering in that general direction.

Now at this point, Kevin started to connect the dots. He had seen on Reddit earlier about these new drug trials that were actually being conducted on humans and sanctioned by the military that claimed to be able to “bring back the dead.” It wasn’t that no one thought it was stupid, or it was obviously going to lead to zombies, but it was more like everyone wanted it to work so much that they turned a blind eye. There were always the doomsayers, but it had been 2 years into development and no negative consequences happened.

Not until now, for Kevin, at least.

As they reached the woman, one particularly fat one crouched down, grabbed the woman’s leg, and took a bite.

A horrendous shriek filled the amphitheater, as the lady suddenly jerked up, flinging the pizza slice into the unsuspecting mouth of one of the intruders. The sight was funny, but it also startled Kevin and shook him from his reverie. He took a glance at the exit, where light was still pouring in, and considered his options. He could take the main exit, go back towards the employee changing room which had a side exit, or attempt to fight the zombies.

The other woman was abruptly woken up, but because she was hungover, didn’t seem to have quite grasped the situation yet.

So, what should Kevin do? Should he
a. Make a beeline for the main exit, and try to get away, abandoning the amphitheater?
b. Go back to the employee section and try to escape through the side exit?
c. Fight the zombies with props and potentially save the poor girl down there?

Most votes by the next time I decide I’ll write Page 3 decides Kevin’s, and ultimately, Lee’s fate.