Well the last blog was written exactly 2 months ago, May 17th, so I figured we’d continue on this trend of producing one per 2 months. I mean, that’s pretty productive, right?
I’ve been reading a bunch of funny memoirs and autobiographies, the most notable (and the only ones I finished so far) are some really popular ones. One from Mindy Kaling (the Office, Mindy Project), the other from Tina Fey (30 Rock, SNL), and the last one from Jenny Lawson, who’s probably lesser known by our generation but writes blogs for a living.
Wouldn’t that be nice, writing blogs for a living.
If anyone’s interested, I still kept the copies of 
BossyPants, by Tina Fey, as well as Let’s Pretend, by Jenny Lawson. Hopefully Vusys won’t randomly receive a DMCA complaint, but honestly dropbox is hosting the files and I doubt there’s much exposure here for e-books.
Back on track for the update… I guess the update would have to start somewhere, so I’ve decided on the end of April.
The month of April sucked. It was mainly because of finals, but also because I was living illegally (squatting) at a friend’s apartment, and their inspections became more frequent because it was the end of term and when people leave, they have to make sure the place is kept in pristine shape. (Psh, yeah right, we put in a work order to fix the microwave like 6 times and they never came, so I had to fix it myself). Essentially what it boiled down to was that I had to scatter my stuff around the apartment in a futile attempt to make it seem like there wasn’t an illegal squatter here that wasn’t paying rent.
It sort of worked.
It was the last day of my finals when they showed up, clipboards in hand, grimacing at the amount of trash that was piling on the dinner table. Not that it was actually trash, per se, more like a bunch of assorted items that looked incredibly messy when piled on top of each other.
Some of these items:
– Oppai mousepad with actual nipples showing
– Dominion: The Board Game
– Dominion: The Expansion to the Original Board Game
– Risk: The Board Game
– Other board games (yes, we really like board games)
– Another Oppai mousepad, less offensive, with no nipples (no I don’t have a problem, thank you)
– My old pair of glasses
– Various console controllers
– Various controllers that did nothing
– A few letters about how our internet usage was “irregular” and needed to be “toned down”
– Chips
The list goes on, basically standard stuff required for living.
So I’m dramatically prancing around the place, throwing my shirts onto our couch, smuggling some other ones into my roommate’s room that wasn’t there.
Oh, yeah, I figured out how to break into every room in our building. Their lock mechanism is stupid, and incredibly easy to break into. Well, locks were only designed to keep honest people out in the first place, so whatever.
Anyway, after breaking and entering, I managed to store most of the stuff away. I was on the last of my shirts before they showed up and started judging me, no doubt by the pairs of visible boobs on the table. To be fair, they could just be judging us, but I was the only one there at the time, so…
I digress. The other thing they noticed was how my room was supposed to be empty, but there were still various undergarments strewn about.
Them: “Ummm, so there’s no record of anyone living here…”
Me: “Yeah… they said they were going to leave today…”
…
Yeah. They were looking right at the culprit, but I wasn’t going to admit to my crimes. No way.
Them: “… Okay… well I have no record of anyone living there, there’s no contract or anything.”
At this point I feel like they thought I was retarded and didn’t understand them, because they literally just repeated their first statement. So I tried to put them off edge a bit.
Me: “Yes, and they told me they were leaving, hence why you don’t see anything other than the underwe- .. clothes. They’ll be gone by noon.”
I totally gloss over the fact that the contract was still mysteriously absent. I prayed.
They gave me a confused look, as if they still couldn’t process what’s going on. But then, miraculously (Thank you Jesus!), it’s like something clicked and they were like, “Oh, okay. Cool.”
And they went about on their way.
And that’s how I escaped prison.
Well, obviously it’s not THAT dramatic, I wouldn’t have gone to prison either way, but it was still pretty weird… meeting I guess?
At this point, one of my roommates had just dropped out of school, but he still had 4 months left in his contract, so he let me live there until he found a suitable sublet. So I did, for a whole week, until he found one. Fortunately, a few days after I settled into his room, another roommate ran away from his room and left his keys there. I sort of managed to piece together from the frequent prior inspections that he ran away without paying rent for the past few months.
So yeah. That happened.
You’re probably wondering, “Why the hell isn’t this guy just subletting or paying rent?”
Well, at this point, I was… what’s the word… broke. I had like $500, and I really didn’t want to ask my parents for money.
Fortunately, I got a $2000 EAP (some sort of education assistance thing) and my $2000 in income tax, which brought me up a bit. But I still wanted to save for an emergency so……………. I moved into the runaway’s room. It was the next logical thing to do! This was until another inspection happened and they were asking for him, but I was living there. Fortunately, I was the one that answered the door, and when they saw stuff in there I explained that he wasn’t home.
They were extremely suspicious, considering my phone was on the bed, and there were some letters in my name, but they didn’t know who I was so I had the upper hand. I managed to dissuade them, but at that point I finally deemed my old room was safe (well, safer that my current situation) to enter again. One of the inspectors told me someone was supposed to come, but they never showed up, so 2 weeks after their supposed move-in date, I decided it was time, broke in, and moved all my stuff back. They haven’t inspected us since.
The sublet turned out to be a drug dealer from the University next to ours, some party schooled called Laurier. He ended up smoking weed every day. This isn’t an exaggeration. Because he was a dealer, he had a constant supply, and our only reprieve was when he went back to Toronto for a few days to replenish his reply.
Thank the lords his term wasn’t 4 months, I probably would have died from the constant smell. He left like 3 weeks ago. Rejoice!
Well, I don’t want this blog to be too long. There’s a couple of other stories I want to share later, but that’s for another day. Or another two months, who knows. I’ll talk about my unemployment shenanigans next time.
I’m currently working at NCR, that random company whose logo is slapped onto every cash terminal you’ll see. Go to McDonald’s? Look down, you’ll see NCR. Go to the bank to get some money? Look down, it’s NCR. I was actually surprised this company even existed, I always thought ATMs were these magical fairy-like machines that spewed money and were built by tiny leprechauns. It’s not. It’s mostly middle-aged men taking advantage of co-ops/interns like Kevin and me.
I’m mostly working with their software engineering division and testing the machines that process checks and money, adjusting the software so that fat rich people can take further advantage of us.
What a world we live in.