Hey. Going to preface this with:
I’m going to be whining. Do with that what you will, I guess.
In any case, I made this because recently I’ve been feeling fairly…angsty? I have been going through my finals for my final (maybe) year of college and I just don’t feel very good. I haven’t had large amounts of success. I’ll spare you the logistics but it isn’t what I’d like. I have to apply for grad schools and such as well. Anyway, with all these finals I’ve just felt entirely incapable. For Industrial Organic Chemistry, I retained NOTHING. Zilch. Nada. Zed. I don’t understand any of it and I skated by with a B because he offers a test’s worth of bonus and I took full advantage. It’s just tough feeling like you’ve learned nothing.
This all leads me to my next point: I don’t feel as if I’m truly “good” at anything. Firstly, I’m mediocre at a lot of things. I can play a few instruments, I can code a little, I am fairly good at my chosen field. It’s just I’m not exceptional. I have no creative outlet that I’m proud to show. I draw on my tablet sometimes. I write sometimes. It’s never good. I feel as if I was influenced too heavily by high fantasy so most of my work is inundated with detail. Flowery detail. I tried to get someone to read it and they were entirely apathetic and I was quite proud of it. It’s just…I don’t know. I’ve got nothing I’m proud to show people. I don’t like to show off my code, it’s not especially clean. I don’t like to show off my drawings, they seem good for a moment and then immediately seem amateurish. (Which they clearly, clearly are) My writing is dry and uninspired. I have no outlet and I can’t seem to find one.
I love making things and I’m bad at it. I practice and I’m still bad. I look at my brother who is a brilliant artist and an awesome musician. He learned piano last year and he’s already better than me. I started 4 years ago. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I wish I was a better writer. I’m going to try and be. But the scaling of writing is so arbitrary. Some people can enjoy it. There is no objectively good writing. People can enjoy it, sure. But I’m not good at that either.
I tried keeping a notebook. I’m not especially clever or anything.
I guess I just need to get used to being mediocre.
Fin depression.
Starbound is out. By the Terraria guys. If anyone plays the beta, lemme know. Or Hearthstone. I play that too. Or League of Legends. That too. I’m bad at all of them, though.
Oh and I have a girlfriend since my last blog, I noticed. Left the Mormon girl. With an attractive blonde. She’s in a sorority so…living the dream, I guess. Been together almost a year and a half now.
Maybe I’ll have abs by January. That’ll make everything better. Anyways, bye.
EDIT: Last blog is still on the front page. The fuck is that, guys?
3 Comments
Dunno, nobody’s been writing anything really.
As for the mediocrity part.. I mean.. it’s sad but it’s the truth when most of the modern world is organized based on those that win and those that don’t… unfortunately the amount of people that are winners are few and far inbetween.
That said, you don’t have to excel at one thing to be truly happy. Just a healthy lifestyle, a few hobbies, and finding a career that you can wake up and feel happy about going to work to are ultimately the goals you should be looking for.
At least you have a girlfriend though, so you have that going for you, which is pretty nice.
But I’m sure most of us here can relate.
As for the games, I didn’t really take a good look at Starbound, it just looks like Terraria in MMO format, which isn’t too appealing. I just got into the Hearthstone beta yesterday and played like a solid 10 hours of it… was pretty good. I haven’t touched League for a while.. no incentive, no elo decay in the preseason. Will probably pick it up again once S4 actually starts but Hearthstone going to occupy most of my time for now.
Bro your blog is very very very similar to my blog that I just posted couple days ago.
But I feel ya. I am also in my senior year (maybe) and chemistry field and it fucking sucks going to class and not learning shit. This just means that you have to find another option that’ll actually make you be more confident and challenged. Personally, I’m planning to get my degree and look more an alternative life plan. I would suggest you to do some deep thinking about this because you don’t want to end up continue doing something that you’ll hate for the rest of your life.
Sweet, David. My Hearthstone thing is Dusang. I think we can play with each other, right?
And I haven’t even scratched the surface of Starbound. It’s excessively difficult and you seem like the kind of guy that could get a kick out of that. So I’d recommend it. It’s sort of difficult to get into. There’s a LOT of work to do the most basic things. Ore is scarce and you need it for everything. The level one baddies are really scary too. I can’t bring myself to play it for more than an hour.
Thanks for the life advice. Not being in such a depressed mood today I can maybe contend that what you described is winning. Healthy life, hobbies, etc. Maybe that’s all we need.
And yeah, she really is brilliant. If we’re being stingy about winning, she’s still a winner. 4.0 and all that. Brilliant, passionate, hot. Like…Way out of my league hot. I didn’t know a woman that looked like her could be interested in me.
EvilStranger, first off, nice to meet you 😀 And that seems like a wonderful idea. I am working on getting into an Epidemiology grad program and I’m certain that’s what I’d like to do but I’m just struggling with the fact that sometimes I’m not going to kick ass. I’m never going to be good at any form of OChem and I should just accept it. Everyone has limits. I don’t lack interest in my field. It actually moves me a fair amount. I’m glad I’m doing it.