How It Really Works [Ep.1]

DISCLAIMER: All characters are in no way related to any real persons and any relation via name, description, etc. are purely a coincidence.

Before you read anything, I’d like to take this time to quote this picture.

That is all.

So, have you ever wondered how something works? Well, you’re in lucka today, you’ll learn how something works!(inb4 redundancy) FASCINATING!

Yesterday, a reader submitted a letter that asked:

Well Bobby, it’s simple really. I’ll explain it, with a story. Take this shiny black microwave for example.

We’ll call this microwave, ‘Mike‘, short for ‘microwave’. Now Mike is a very, sophisticated microwave. You can easily tell by looking at his advanced interface. The buttons are the perfect size for your fingers. Anyways, Mike is a new microwave that’s been recently installed in the home of the Liu family. Mike knew that he was gonna be well taken care of, because we all know Asians are cheap bastards, so they don’t like buying expensive things, and since microwaves are expensive, he’ll be the only microwave for generations.

One lovely summer day, Mike saw Mrs. Liu walk into the kitchen with a bag of groceries. Normally, Mike wouldn’t bother seeing what kind of things that Mrs. Liu bought, but today, he saw something strange in one of the bags. As Mrs. Liu placed the groceries in their appropriate positions, (refrigerator, freezer, cabinet, etc.) her hand finally grabbed the object of Mike’s interest. Slowly, the plastic bag slid across the objects sleek covering, revealing a sexy red cardboard. It was a TV dinner. Along the face, letters spelled out ‘Connie‘s Specials’.

With a gasp, Mike realized he was in love. She was the most magnificent thing he had ever seen. Oh, how he longed to be with her. Fortunately for Mike, Connie was a TV dinner featuring chicken and fried rice, a combination the Liu family enjoyed deeply. Plus, Connie had a free round of Texas Hold ‘Em at the Houston Resort printed on her back. Knowing that the Liu family were Asians, they couldn’t resist a free opportunity so Mike knew he was in luck. Some time this week, he and Connie were gonna hit it up.

His hunch was correct. The very next day, little Kenny Liu got hungry and opened the freezer door for something tasty to eat. Kenny loved chicken, so when he saw Connie, he grabbed at her hungrily. His little fingers explored her whole body, groping at every possible spot, desperately trying to find a grip to pull Connie out. Finally, after several attempts of failure, little Ken managed to hook his fingers under Connie’s flap, and reel her out of the cold, frozen wasteland.

Drooling, Ken grabbed a stool, and pushed it up to the microwave. He grabbed at Mike’s handle and pulled the door open. With a swift movement, he ripped off Connie’s red covering, revealing her cold, bare body. A transparent film covered her front, the only line of defense between Ken’s destructive fingers and her body. It never stood a chance, as Ken ferociously ripped the covering off. Ken brought his nose close to Connie’s body, and breathed in deeply, slightly freezing his nose hairs. Ken coughed and put the food in Mike. As Ken pounded in the microwave time, Mike had his very first encounter with Connie. Mike made sure to talk after Ken left to watch TV.

“Hey, there baby, how’s it going?” asked Mike.
“Oh my Ice! Stop looking at me! I’m naked!” screamed Connie.
“Oh baybay, don’t worry. I won’t hurt you,” assured Mike. “Aren’t I sexy?”
“Well…yeah, you make me feel so hawwwwwwwt,” bubbled Connie. “Oh, your sexiness is making me so wet.”

Connie started melting, the ice melting to water, which rapidly evaporated.

“Ah, yes, gimme your water! Gimme it all!” said Mike, who started to moan very loudly, which to human ears, sounds like a low humming sound, or a higher pitched sound, depending on your microwave.

Mike started pumping in waves into Connie. Her body absorbed the waves, heating up and melting the frost. This moment was Heaven to both Mike and Connie. She screamed in ecstasy as an ‘ice bubble’ asploded creating a huge ‘boom’ causing Ken to go ‘lolwut?’ Soon Connie’s cold, frozen body was no more. She was changed. Mike, the magnificent black microwave manufactured in the depths of Africa had changed her. Her body was now steaming of sexiness. She smelled of greatness. Her chicken leg was plump and succulent. The fried rice was a delicious golden color. Soon Mike, could last no more, and he started beeping in excitement.

Ken, hearing this, figured that the Connie was ready, and rushed to Mike’s door. He stared into the door, hungrily, and with a swift motion, pulled open the door. As soon as the microwave opened, Ken’s nose was instantly embraced with a warm, delicious chicken smell. Mike cried, as Ken gingerly pulled Connie out of Mike and set her on the table. But alas, Mike had already smexed up Connie. He was satisfied. Tomorrow, is another day, where he will smex up another one. But he shall forever remember this glorious day, where he met the most smexnificant frozen meal ever.

Ken grabbed a knife and a fork and sat down on his widdle chair, ready to eat Connie. “Omnomnomnommmmm!”

The End

So, in conclusion, microwaves cannot function unless they see a smexy lady in distress, which means they’ve been frozen from fear of rejection. Being an honorable microwave, he will save the victim by pumping powerful waves of smex and causing the lady to get very, very wet. Then she will transform into a lively lady that everyone wants, which is eaten by the person who pushed Mike’s buttons.

So now you know, Bobby. I hope you feed your Mike with delicious ladies food.

Readers, if you have any other inquiries about how things work, please feel free to ask, and in the next issue, we’ll be sure to address your issue. Until then, good day.

BONNNNUS: y i bold some wordz? cooky 4 u if u kno

YUSH! 1000 words! YEYYYYYYYY!
BLOG 747! BOEING 747! OMMMMMMMMG!