Twilight – A Tale of Two Retards

So most of us by now know the terrors of obsessive vampires. We read the saga or saw the movie, or for me, both. And after I was done with the series, I realized how terrible it really is. Now don’t get me wrong. Meyer was a good author. She wrote her ridiculous story pretty well, in my opinion. I mean, I actually bothered reading and finishing the books. Her descriptions, although terrible odd, were sort of captivating. But unlike the other millions of teenage girls out there, I find the relationship between Bella and Edward to be rather disgusting.

This blog contains heavy spoilers. Don’t read of you plan on reading the crap that is Twilight.

For my Creative writing class, I wrote a list of why Jacob Black was better than Edward Cullen. Just for the lulz. After reading Breaking Dawn, I find that Jacob is just as a bad. Any who, here is the list. It only covers my main issues with the BellaXEdward pairing.

1. Jacob Black is way nicer. He treats Bella like a good friend, and loves her even though she doesn’t return the feeling.
2. Jacob black has lovely russet (LOL Potato) coloured skin. Edward has pale and pasty skin. I like men with colour.
3. Jacob is hotter. No, literally! His body runs at like 200 degrees F. Edward Cullen is as cold as ice and hard as rock. Who would you rather cuddle up with?
4. Jacob never tells her what to do or who to see (or not see for that matter). Edward Cullen is a bossy little bloodsucker who tells Bella she can’t see her best friend.
5. Edward Cullen says it’s better not to be friends with Bella, but then never seems to leave her side. Issues?
6. Edward Cullen is 108 years old. Bella was 17 when they first met. Isn’t that pedophilia? Who cares if Jacob is one year younger, at least their love wouldn’t be illegal.
7. Jacob is a manly human. He has an appetite (Edward doesn’t eat), he breathes air (yeah, Edward can’t breathe, not just when Bella is around, but generally), he loves to sleep (Edward can’t, that’s why is always cranky), and he hangs out with the boys and other normal people (Edward is socially awkward. How he manages conversation with Bella is a mystery).
8. Edward watches Bella sleep. I think that’s illegal too.
9. Jacob makes Bella laugh, smile, happy. Edward makes her want to faint. I am sure that’s unhealthy.
10. Edward wants to eat Bella. Nuff said.

Yes. Bella is completely and utterly obsessed with Edward. And far too much so with his looks. Bella is way too shallow. Every time she sees him, we are bombarded with her thoughts of him being the equivalent to a Greek god. Does Bella really not see anything more than his movie star good looks?

Their obsession meets new levels when Edward attempts suicide. I mean, you lived a hundred and freaking eight years before meeting her, you can sure as hell live on without her. Bella also does insanely dangerous things with the hopes if hearing his voice in her head (WTH? That’s mental in more ways than one).

And let’s not forget good old Jacob Black. The man without a chance in the world, but it never seems to stop him. I really felt bad for him until he “imprinted” on a newborn vampire. I know he doesn’t want to screw her yet, but I still find it pretty messed up.

Now the two things that totally ruined the series/franchise/whatever you wanna call it:
1. Breaking Dawn’s ending
2. Twilight – the motion picture.

Let’s start with the book, shall we?

Basically, the ending sucked Edward’s stone-like balls. Meyer prepared everything for this huge battle, and I was hoping for Volturi butt to get kicked. What do we get? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. One stupid Russian (was it Russian? I forget) vampy died, but that wasn’t part of any battle. Basically, the problem is resolved in a peaceful manner, and the Italian vampires leave with nothing more than a goodbye. Everyone jumps for joy, happily ever after. *Barf*

Moving onto the movie. I was honestly laughing throughout the entire thing. The intense Edward kissing Bella scene was destroyed by me yelling “Where are her PANTS?!” in the middle of it. Other stupid comments were thrown out during the movie by my group of friends, or the crazy girls behind us. It made up for the sucky movie.

Robert Pattin-whatever looks like a stoner, the girl who played Bella sounds like a man, and Taylor Lautner’s hotness was lost in that mess of a wig. Taylor is effing a million times hotter than Robert. He is so ripped for the next movie. I die. *end of fan girl moment*

So now is time for some good fun. Videos and Pictures to make you laugh 😀

Toilet

Twilight Before Christmas

Twilight: Jew Style No offense to Jews, its just really funny. 🙂

So ends my Twilight Rant. -Inspired by Imppys mom rant- 😀

~Gujju