Get it out of my system

University brings out the worst in me.

I really think it does. I have noticed it. I see how much I randomly blow up at my family over trivial matters. I see myself complaining about stupid things to you guys over MSN all the time. I just feel like something about me has changed, and I don’t really like it. At all.

I think it’s because I have been sadder than usual lately. I usually seem pretty cheery at school and on MSN. Occasionally, I just go bitchy, spaz it out in a fit of rage for a bit and then get back to my usual self, but there are a lot of things that I keep to myself. Things that I will still keep to myself (there is more than what I will talk about in this blog), but they just make me feel really sad sometimes.

I guess you guys are going “What? Sneha pretty much blurts out anything on her mind!” And for most things I guess it’s true. I am really “in the moment”. When something happens, I tell someone about it right away, and just get it out of my system. But there are so many things that have just been dragging on for so long; I have lost the need to let people know.

Sometimes I don’t feel like being that person. That person who has depressing things to say. When I was younger, I had a nice comfortable and sheltered life, and I still do. But I had friends who had the worst shit thrown at them, and from a young age, I learned that sometimes my troubles were not a huge deal, and that I should be in a state where I am ready to comfort those who need it.

I guess that was a lot of pressure on me. I always wondered what people would think if the always-cheerful-Sneha suddenly broke down one day about whatever annoyed her the night before. Some of my friends even told me that if they ever saw me cry, they wouldn’t know what to do.

After such a long time, it wasn’t that hard to not worry about my troubles. I had an amazing group of friends in high school that made me laugh so much, I never even got the chance to stop and think about the darker things in life. I was happy everyday and the worst I had to deal with was a bad grade or two, or a petty argument I got into with my family. Life was peachy.

But then high school ended. It was a time I was dreading. I was totally ready to get out of the public school system, and move on with my life. But I wasn’t at all ready to deal with the fact that I wasn’t going to see my beloved friends every day. No more fun adventures on the long bus ride home. No more goofing off in the cafeteria. No more working together on silly assignments.

No more.

I mean sure, there were some people I was glad to get rid of now that everyone was moving ahead. It sounds bitchy, but there were just some people I did not want to deal with after high school. I loved them, but I was glad I didn’t have to see them every day. If that makes any sense.

I was glad that the few extremely important people in my life were going to the same university as me. I thought to myself, these are the friends that will be with me forever. These are the ones I can go to anytime I need anything.

And then reality came and slapped me in the face. No one had time to hang out every day after classes. Heck, no one even had the same classes. I was so used to being surrounded by people, that I wasn’t prepared for the fact that I would be alone a lot of the time. Sure I made new friends to sit with in class and study with. But these were not the friends I could call at any random time and have a stupid conversation with.

I still see my high school friends a few times a week, but it feels so different. My long bus rides home in high school didn’t seem so bad when there were 8 other people with me. Now, everyone ha moved away, or gone off somewhere far, and I commute alone. And I realized how long it takes, and how bad it is.

All of these things have been bugging me. It’s why I get so moody all the time. And it sucks.

Of course there is more, but it’s way too personal to get into, so I will leave you all at this. I should be reading two chapters of politics right now, but I had an itch to write something, and this is what came oozing out.