Unrequited.

Huh, It's been what, 3 months since my last blog?
It's time for another serious business blog.

Conformity

A lot of people are familiar with what conformity is, but for those who aren't, let me clarify:
correspondence in form or appearance
acting according to certain accepted standards; "their financial statements are in conformity with generally accepted accounting practices"
orthodoxy in thoughts and belief
Why am I talking about this?
Because my mother appears to think that if I follow everything she tells me to do, I will end up great and successful. I just have to do everything exactly the way that my sisters have done it, and I'll be set for life. This includes:
1. Having absolutely no social life
2. Reading books until my eyes give out
3. Using the computer for an hour a day
4. Being friends with stiffs that my mom thinks are a good influence
Basically, fall into line with the rest of my family.
Oh yeah, fall into line, like that's gonna happen.
Let me explain to you some disputes between me and my family.
1. I could give a shit about my grades. The only reason I even care about them is because my parents will shit themselves if I ever get aB. Oh, God forbid, little Jonathan gets a B on his report card! Someone call the asia police, this boy is defective!
2. I don't listen to my mother because I have my own beliefs, and a grasp of the outside world. "Don't listen to the kids at school, they're just jealous." Oh, yeah okay. The Asian plastics at my school are jealous of my overweight physique and lack luster social life. things have changed since you went to school in the '70s, mom.
3. I am who I am, and not because I'm trying to act cool. No, I do not wear my backpack with one arm because I'm trying to look cool, I do it because it's more convenient than reaching my arm over to the other side, and pulling the strap, which ultimately causes backpain, which is harder for me to handle than shoulder pain. this is just one of many stupid accusations.

Stupidity

There are just too many dumb people in the world. The following is a true occurrence of retardation that happened to me last week:
-White kid comes up to me-
WK: Hey man.
Me: Hi, who are you?
WK: I'm sdasjkl(I don't remember his name).
Me: and what would you like?
WK: I just had a question for you
Me: Oh yeah? Go for it.
WK: Do asians really eat cats and dogs, and do you really have a microscopic dick?
Me: Oh yeah, I eat pussy all the time, and no, my dick is not microscopic. Ask your mother.
and I walked off. The sad thing is that he was serious.

Safety Net

Remember in Elementary school, you had that one best friend that you thought would always stick by you, until they found someone with a shinier toy than you, and abandon you? Now, obviously, this analogy won't exactly work for what I'm about to talk about, but bare with me. Remember how crushed you were, when your best friend left you for someone just because they had a nicer toy? You felt used, hurt, betrayed.. but most of all, you wanted them back. If you felt so strongly about them, why wouldn't you? This is one of the things that has happened to me coming in to Grade 9. My friends that I thought would always be there for me end up ditching me. I'll tell you a story about a friend of mine. For the sake of this story, I will refrain from using this person's real name. Let's call her Emily Park.

Now, at the beginning of Grade 8 when I first met her, I had quite a crush on her, but that passed after about a month of being kicked in the shin, and countless physical injuries. Afterwards, we became pretty good friends, and then close friends. I was there for her, and she was there for me. We talked about our problems, had fights, and such, but we always came out as friends again.
Over the summer, she changed.
She went out with my friend Kelvin, who happens to be a close friend from years ago. They were happy, then they weren't, then they were again, and rinse and repeat. After that, they broke up, and who was there to pick up the pieces of this shattered relationship?
Me.
I talked to both of them to see if they could resolve their problems peacefully (I'm the kind of guy who loves helping people, I feed on this kind of thing). After much dispute, they left each other, but were clearly unhappy about it. She would sometimes call my house crying, and I would try to cheer her up again. 'cus, y'know, that's what friends do. I did the same thing to him, except he wasn't crying.
After all that's said and done, we went back to our own lives. I knew for a fact that Kelvin still liked Emily though. Over the Summer, Emily changed. She became a manipulative whore. She knew that Kelvin liked her, so she would play games with him, like making him fetch things for her, acting flirty and shit. I confronted her about it, and she bitched at me, and yelled at me about things that I knew were wrong with me, and I admitted to all of them. After this, we were cool again. We had stopped communicating, and this was the point where I understood something. I was being used as a safety net. If ever something goes wrong in her little circle of friends, I'm there as cannon fodder. She just got tired of maintaining a relationship with one of many safety nets I would assume. She still calls me every once in a while crying, but the next time she does, I'm hanging up. If she doesn't give a shit about me, I could give a shit about her.

Loneliness

It's not uncommon of me. Depression isn't too far from that line either.
Ever have a feeling that no one gives a shit about you?
I do. All the time.
Things like not being invited to things, finding out about hang outs after they've already happened… being left out of a conversation deliberately.
I've had to deal with this all year, as all my friends have left me for better friends. Only relationships I have now are in turmoil.
After everything, I can never end up hating someone. I just care about people too much to truly hate them. I've hurt a lot of people, and sorry isn't enough. I know what it feels like to never fit in; to be a square block trying to fit into a triangular hole.
With this, I must leave you a note for what I have to do.
I'm leaving VuTales for a while. I don't know how long. This includes group chat too. I'm staying off Facebook too. I might be back at the end of Spring Break, maybe never. I just need to figure some things out.
So, for what may be the last time, goodbye.
Don't forget about me.
-Lithybaer