Nowai.

Sorry, I haven't posted a blog in forever.
I'll tell you what's happened if you promise not to tell anybody!

Promise? Okay.

Well, my husband is unhappy with our relationship. He wants to go. I was much more broken up about this when he told me a few weeks ago, but I've run out of tears to cry. At the time, this hit me like a truck, because I knew he was a bit unhappy, but I didn't know it was with us, I thought it was with work or something else.

He says we got married too soon, which is pretty likely, because he was leaving for the air force and we got married 7 months after we met, and that we don't talk like we used to.

Does it seem selfish that I've already gone into recovery mode and am trying to either fix it or figure out what I'm going to do next? We went to the couples counseling, and basically I want more physical affection, and he wants more intellectual affection. As the therapist said rather bluntly, I'm boring to him.

So he suggested this week, before our next meeting on Monday, I'm supposed to do things that make me happy. Find lots of hobbies! But really, what is there to do? I'm used to cleaning, going to class, and that's it. I don't have a car, so I can't exactly do things on my own, and I don't have any money, so I can't just go to do whatever I want. Being a grownup is the pits. Don't do it! D:

What hobbies did I have before I met Mike? Hmm, trolling the internet, watching anime, drawing and playing video games. I feel like a nerd! I think that it was different because we weren't living together then, and we weren't together constantly like we are now. People are alot more interesting from the outside looking in.

But, if I do find hobbies, the therapist said, then I'll either become interesting again, or I'm better off without him. But that, to me, is an insanely scary feeling. It's scary, but somehow true, that it's good it happened now, just two years into our marriage, then ten years down the road, when we have two kids, a house and debt together. It's scary that my dreams of marriage have forever been shattered. I was always taught that when you're married, you're together for life, through good and bad, and it's really really scary that Mike doesn't think that way, and that the therapist doesn't think that way. What is life coming to these days when marriage is just a temporary 'let's-see-how-it-goes' type of thing?

Bullshit, I say. But, Mike was raised differently than I was, he's got a former alcoholic for a father, who divorced his pot-head mother when he was just 7, and he just got back into his life about a year ago. I was raised with a very solid family, my parents have been married for about 25 years, and I have five other siblings who I am very close to. I was the first married, so I have a lot riding on me.

The councilor told him that he should try to meet me halfway, and I don't know if he's been trying or not. There's still no kisses, no hugs, which makes me very sad. And I apologize if this is too much info, but there has been nothing in the bedroom for.. about two months? And I have tried! Although it may not seem like it online, I am a ridiculously happy person. Everything makes me happy, the sun outside, a warm kitten, a nice sandwich, finding out that I still have a piece of cheesecake left in the fridge. Maybe it's because of that, maybe I'm not complex enough for Mike.

Another thing that bothers me, is this mimics many years ago, when I was simply a teenager dating online. I know it sounds silly, but I was fifteen, dating this kid over the internet named Reilley. We had been dating since I was 13, and one day, he just said that he was growing to a higher intellectual level than me, and he didn't feel I was growing with him, so he had to end it. He was actually the guy who taught me to type properly and making it become second nature, and I didn't hear from him again till I was 17. It made me more upset than when we broke up, because when we broke up, he was going to graduate in one more year from high school and go straight into an prestigious college, but when he came back, he spoke only in chat-speak and I asked him why he didn't type properly anymore, and he said he didn't feel the need to. That destroyed me.

Irregardless, I think Mikuru has checked out of the relationship, and I know he's just going to counseling for me, because I wanna salvage the relationship. Is that selfish? He even said, "If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, I would've already left." Maybe I should just let him go. But I love him so much, but I just want him to be happy. Confusing, it is.
But, on the flip side, I feel betrayed, because I feel like he's sticking around, kind've just waiting for permission to go, just so he can make it more of a mutual break-up in his mind when he retells the story to his friends, instead of him flat-out dumping me. I hate this. I don't know what to do! Plus, he's sending mixed messages, like he says I'm such a good woman though, and I'm not mean to him, and we never fight. He mentioned this to the councilor because most of his ex-girlfriends are psycho bitches.

What to do, I want Mike to stay with me because I am a selfish person! I can't imagine dating ever again, nor would I want to imagine him dating again. He says we'll still be close friends if we do break-up, but I know it doesn't work that way with me, even if he's different. I am not a jealous person until I can't have him anymore. When we had a solid relationship, he could say, "That girl is cute, yeah?" And I would be like "Totally!" but if we were just friends, I'd probably slap him if he asked that. I'd have to never speak to him again, and that's that, unfortunately.

I apologize for rambling, and I'll probably update this as I think and stew some more.

This isn't supposed to happen to me!!1!one!!

~Mip