Sup people. Realized I haven’t really checked in here in a little bit…plus it’s 5am and I really just want to type something,anything.
What I like about Vutales is that when I’m typing out my blog, it’s like I’m having a conversation with myself. I type as if I’m waiting for a response from me. But then I post it and I’m reminded that there’s other people here….Good people. I may not have that much in common with you guys anymore, & I’ll admit I don’t think about this place as much as I used to, but I still consider you guys as my old friends and I don’t think that’ll change for a while.
What an emotional start to this blog huh? lol
I’m just tired guys. Really fucking tired to be honest.
I’m tired of trying to motivate myself and I’m tired of flailing my body around attempting to do stuff. I really just want to sleep. Not like in a suicide-kind-of-I-wanna-sleep but I seriously just want to sleep for maybe a few days straight, wake up and stretch, then try this whole life thing again.
Not much has really changed since last blog. This semester I’m a part-time student though. I’m hoping this is all the time I’ll need to get my shit together, then go back to being full-time and actually do well.
Since I’m only taking 3 classes, I have some free time on my hands which is kinda nice. I’ve been looking for a job to fill the gap since I owe the college and other people some cash.
My mom says I need a girlfriend and a job. Like that’s the solution to this depression.
Ugh, even saying the word depression kinda hurts. Like I never thought that I’d be in such a position ever.
Anyway I’m not sure if I’m ready to be in a relationship. A serious relationship.
I just don’t see myself as being a good boyfriend y’know? Bah idk
idk what I want anymore lol
I wish I could Google “What the fuck do I do now?” and get a life guide or something.
So I kinda told my mom a bit of what’s going on with me and I had half a nut to tell her about my drug use, as Dussy pointed out in my last blog, in case it’s playing a role in all this. But I decided against it. Mainly because I know she’ll force me to go to rehab (she tried when I was a simple stoner so imagine what she’d do if she REALLY knew) & the other reason was that I don’t think it plays a huge,huge role. I’ve been pretty good lately, and keeping my usage for the weekend, I tend to do a lot of drugs in 1 night…but not enough for me to get sick or to forget who I am or something really bad like that. I get some cravings sometimes but it’s just a passing thought. Like “damn, I’m chilling at home, really fucking wish I had some ketamine on me.” for example.
On the other side, part of my mind thinks that since I analyse this stuff constantly, it’s probably an indicator that I have some sort of problem y’know?
Speaking of drugs though, I finally did acid for the first time last weekend. It was on my to-do list for some time now but there’s a saying that goes something like “Don’t go looking for Lucy, let Lucy come looking for you.” which essentially means that one day the opportunity to do it will present itself and I shouldn’t rush it. So I waited.
I won’t go into detail on my trip cuz A LOT of shit happened (I was at a rave) but I really had a fun time. It was nice to not be thinking about the negatives in my life and really focus on my inner-peace and happiness for a while. It’s actually one of the things that made me think about writing my feelings down somewhere which in turn made me think of Vutales.
Weird huh?
~Nass
2 Comments
Hey.
If I can suggest some things to consider, first thing on the list would be to find a sport/activity to do. Mainly because it gives you something to think about, and will make you happy. You don’t have to go to the gym or run; personally I hate both and make me feel miserable, but I like to go swimming. When you’re there, your mind is free for a few hours (or the time you decide to spend there). You think, you relax, and you do exercise. Biking is similar, if you have a great place to go to outside of the city/suburbs.
I recommend this because while on holidays (summer here) I tend to have a shitty sleeping schedule, and swimming really helped me turn that around. When you sleep better, you live better too.
Sounds cliche, but do you have any hobbies? Not crap like collecting stamps or things like that, but actual fun shit to do. You should start watching a new series.
I’m watching Dexter right now. You can watch one episode a day, which will make you happy to get home, or to look forward to tomorrow. Or maybe read a book, or write, or escape into a game. Or maybe post more vutales blogs :3
Hope you get better soon.
Joa
Hey, it’s me checking in.
Shit sucks, because usually when we’re not occupied and alone at night is when our thoughts eat us the most, you know? And if you’re in a constant state of ‘drag’ it’s not going to help either.
Regardless of how naive your mom’s advice may sound, having a girlfriend does help lol.
Commitment sucks, I know. I’m ass at it. But if you can develop an interpersonal connection with someone and spend time with them, it just helps keep the bad thoughts away. And at this point, that’s what it’s all about. Keeping yourself busy enough and letting these rough times pass.
Good luck.