Confession

I first saw you in that Freshman Composition class. I never talked to
you. I never talked to anyone in the class. I was a loner. What do I
know about communication?

The first time I talked to you was when I met you again at SAT prep.
You recognized me from that one class. I sat right behind you and we
had fun in class. I never thought about ever getting close to you
because I thought you, among others, were still way beyond my league.

But then I was no longer the loner I once was. I became friends with
people I thought I would never talk to. I got braver. It seemed that
miracles did happen.

School again. We ate breakfast together. You were in my Geology class.
My Physics class. We talked every day after class. I discovered much
more about you than I ever thought possible. We had so much in common:
music, social ideas, etc. Sure, you were a fan of vampires, so was I.
But you liked Twilight. Twilight, the most horribly written franchise
ever. Who the fuck wants to glitter like a faggot in the sunlight? But
I didn’t care, that was a drop of flaw diluted by a sea of
perfection. 5 months pass by quickly. Junior Prom. I asked another
girl out because I didn't want to go alone and you didn't go because
of expense. You poked fun at me, about how we were growing up so fast.
While she fucking PLAYED CARDS ON THE DAMN BOAT, I wished I had asked
you instead and just paid for your ticket. Maybe now you could
understand why I got so pissed when I found out you told other people
you would tell me no.

Senior year. We have Calculus together. Again, we talk after class. I
discovered that we even HATED THE SAME PEOPLE. Second term. Right
now. We have the same two end periods free and spent hours in each
other’s company. I felt empty without you. Sure, I had to go up to
Architecture to finish my work a lot of the time. You asked why I
never went upstairs ninth period. I told you that I’d tell you some
other time. Here it is: you.

I listen. I heard that you liked someone else. I thought nothing of
it. I thought that if I asked before someone else did, I’d be fine. A
lot of the time, I’m blinded by the dumbest shit.

You complained to me about being waitlisted from this university.
Rejected from that other one. I consoled you, because that meant that
you would probably not get into the one university that I did not want
you in. But that was the ONLY ONE YOU GOT INTO. WHAT THE FUCK? The
University would require you to go all the way across the country, to
the West Coast, whereas I was grounded in the Northeast. As much as I
wished for your success, I wanted you here.

I was quite sad that you would be moving all the way across the
country. Your best friend was, too, but she can easily tell you what
she’s thinking. I'm probably just an acquaintace so I can’t do it
like she can. I’m sure that you weren’t completely oblivious to my
actions, but shit, I am a pussy. You know how things are. Seriously.
I’ve been debating for the longest time about asking you out.

Instead, I took a gamble. I’m not the betting type, but I decided to
ask you out. And tell you everything in my mind.

You said you didn’t know, you’d think about it. Why? I’ve never been
able to read you before, but I saw clearly on your face right then and
there that you would reject me. You put me through two days of mental
torture because I kind of expected a straight answer. I haven’t slept
properly since I asked you, you know? My sleep schedule changed again
from every day to 2 hours in the last 4 days.

You know what? Maybe I aspired for too much. I should have known that
a happy-go-lucky girl like you would never fall for someone like me.
To you, I was just a vent tool. You have thousands of friends. You say
hi to everyone you know, even if they don’t know you back. I have
about ten friends. I automatically shun quite a few people. You are
infectious. I was completely the opposite. Suddenly, it seems like
we’re so different.

As I sit here in my insomniac, almost-sober state, typing this up,
you’re probably sleeping, dreaming up of your horses and shining
faggots or whatever girls like you dream about. I cannot fix what I
did. I’ll never see you again after June. I lost. We’ll probably
never be as close as we were a week ago, no matter what happens.

This is my confession. This will never reach you. But I hope you know
that I’m truly sorry for destroying our friendship just two months
away from when we’ll probably never see or talk each other again
anyway. This is probably the corniest shit ever, but you were probably
the best thing to happen to me. If it weren't for you, I'd still be
pretty damn emo.

Good luck with everything.

One last thing. Don't ask if we have questions. Do we look like we
just finished listening to a presentation?

I feel slightly better after typing this out. Thanks to the people in the MSN group for trying to cheer me up.