A QoTW not about changing one's race!

Shocker, I know. Just kidding, everyone who made one; I was just a bit surprised at how many there were.

Anyways, for me, the thing I want to change isn't physical. I'm completely confident in my body, whether it comes to exerting myself athletically, getting girls, or whatever. My looks/physical abilities are almost never the limiting factor. Instead, what I'd prefer to change is psychological. I have massive trust issues that I'd really like to get rid of. These issues manifest themselves in various forms.

Example one:

I don't trust the average person to judge me. Thus, I'm constantly hyper-aware of myself and everything I do in an effort to come off as normal, cool, whatever. Logically, we all make mistakes, and because we can identify with each other, we can be reasonably forgiving. If I see someone trip, I might laugh, but I'm not going to label them a loser, because it happens everyone. Continuing with this idea, other people undoubtedly do the same thing. Such a rigorous proof means nothing to my irrational self that thinks everyone's out to get me, and I find it impossible to simply let my guard down any where but by myself.

Example two:

I can't trust those close to me (i.e. friends) with anything particularly private. In most relationships (romantic or unromantic), you start off hardly knowing the other person, and work your way towards understanding them. Over time, you progressively share more and more person information. One might start off with interests, hobbies, etc., and from there to progress to goals, aspirations, etc., and then onto more private feelings, opinions, etc. until you eventually develop a relationship where you can share your innermost thoughts without hesitation. That doesn't really happen for me. For me, here's how it normally goes: I meet a person, and I keep to that first level of info. They might try to develop the relationship, but I, fearing what they'll think of what I tell them or fearing what they might do with that information, stubbornly refuse to open up. From here, the relationship either develops in a one-sided manner (rare) or we remain as not-so-close friends. You know, the kind of person you might hang out with, but never really talk to for more than fifteen minutes. The former scenario generally results in them either getting fed up, us arguing, and me losing a friend, or them realizing what's happening, and backing off. Thus, 99% of the people I'm friends with, I keep at arms length. There is currently only one person I completely open up to, and it's taken six years to get to this point. Besides that best friend, there's only one other person I'm really close to, and that's my ex. This is more a result of the openness required in a relationship of that sort than me magically opening up to someone.

Example three:

Girlfriends, though, ha. They're a real challenge as you can imagine. Now, despite this hardened shell, I actually have feelings. I'm a pretty emotional person, believe it or not. I enjoy chick flicks; romantic comedy is my favorite anime genre; and I loved Pride and Prejudice. At the same time, I'm pretty attractive and I'm nice to almost everyone (combination of issue #1 and me just not liking to hurt others). Since third grade, I've averaged receiving somewhere between 3-4 confessions a year. Thus, I'm the romantic type, and I'm pretty good at getting girls. Very good, in fact. I've only been rejected once, and that was just asking to go to prom with a girl as friends (technically, I don't know what to call it; she had just got a date earlier that night, but I'll just leave it as a rejection). I've liked *counts* seven girls over the years, and every single one of them has fallen for me (as discovered per confession). However, I've dated two of them. TWO. Why? I'm afraid of getting that close to someone. Even though this person likes me, I'm afraid of sharing that exact same feeling. I can't exactly express why I'm afraid of it, but I am. It's not just being like "Oh, hey, I like you" but the stuff that's required further down the line as well. I can't imagine telling someone "I love you." Explaining why I liked someone a couple of days into a relationship was hard enough.

Now, of the two, my longest relationship was two months. Two months. These weren't when i was 12 either. I was 17 during both (opposite ends of that year in my life). In both cases, the girl broke up with me. Why? In both cases, they felt like there was some barrier between us. The second of two commented that it felt like we "were friends that occasionally made out." Yeah, I couldn't open up entirely, even then.

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So, yay, now you can see why I want to change that aspect of myself so much. Some of it's just irrational fear, and some of it's bad experiences in my past building up on top of that fear. Thanks to this issue, a lot of people assume I'm conceited (smart + not outgoing), which can make the challenge of making close friends even more difficult. This problem also makes periods where I'm cut off from the handful of close people I have very lonely. Oh, and, surprise surprise, it makes things like break ups very tough, as I tend to keep everything to myself and bottle it up.