Future

Ever since my second semester of college started, I've been thinking about my future a lot. The first semester is all about getting acclimated to the massive change you've just experienced, but since then I've been thinking about what I want to do. Until college, that IS your future. Sure, there's stuff you want to learn and experience. However, aside from learning about relationships and dealing with other people, that's mostly the future I was thinking about all through school. What's the future during college, though?

The rest of your life.

Let that sink in for a bit. Think about the consequences of that fact.

What you do in college WILL have a significant effect on the rest of your life. That's not to say you can't change your life course after college, but you do limit yourself by what you do and don't do. This assumes, of course, that you're going to college for a reason and not to party while you slide by with mediocrity on your way to a useless degree. Anyways, remember how I said how before college, college was the only part of my future life path I was considering? That's not entirely true.

Ever since I can remember, I've been told I was special. The earliest mark I can remember was when I was given third grade material as a first grader in everything we did. I don't know when it started, but that's not what's important. My whole life I was told I was special and I'd go on to do great things. And it's not like I don't see where people are coming from. I've continued to put increasingly difficult challenges in my path and I've overcome them with ease. I've never really felt challenged in a relevant regard. I realize that that's not humble at all, in fact it probably comes off as egotistical, but that fact is important in order to understand the rest of these ramblings. For me, there have been no limits. The only question was how much I wanted to take on. Thus, I've always grown up with the idea in mind that I'd do something significant with my life. What exactly I wanted to do was narrowed down over time as my interests and passions emerged.

Eventually I figured it out. Cars, motorcycles, anything mechanical that went fast. I've always loved fast stuff; it runs in my blood. So now, as I entered college, I had a definite goal in mind. Racing design: the bleeding edge of automotives. As I mentioned earlier, the first semester was spent getting used to things, and then I got serious.

After taking a deep look at what I'd need to do, I came to a few conclusions. 1) It'd take a lot of work. That, I expected and was ready for. Besides, I loved this stuff. Work and play were one and the same. 2) It'd take a lot of luck. This I hadn't planned on. When it came to merit, there was no one I couldn't top if I had to. However, many things weren't just about what you knew but who you knew. At the same time, there are so many options in front of me. I'm not sure which is the right one to make. All of them make demands on my time and energy, and I have no idea how well each one will repay me. To make it where I want to, it's like climbing up a pyramid while playing musical chairs. The open spots are few and far between, and racing has been in a decline (in regards to money) ever since the economic downturn. Thus, here I am working a co-op in the middle of no where to get work experience in a Mechanical Engineering environment while I try to remain active in our Formula SAE team all the way back in Raleigh. I've got to eventually become a leader on the team, both for my resume and for the invaluable experience it will provide. One of my biggest fears at the moment is not making the right choices as I move down my path. I'm afraid that I make one bad decision, I'll have screwed myself for life. No, my life won't be screwed, but the door will forever be shut on accomplishing my dreams.

At the same time, though, doing something significant isn't all I want out of my life. I want a wife and family. That's just as important to me. One of the biggest bummers about living down here is how lonely it gets. I'm away from all my friends, most notably my best friend. It's not just friends either. One of the things you realize after a breakup is how lonely it is to be single. Before your first relationship you don't miss it because you've never known it, but not having that one person who's always on your side, who you can share you most intimate thoughts with is really lonely. It can make a room full of friends feel barren. It's difficult to put the feeling into words, but I'm sure a lot of you know what I'm talking about. One thing I've learned over the years is I definitely don't want to live alone.

But, you know, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Doing great things and having a great family life isn't always so easily compatible. Doing something significant requires time and energy, and neither of those things come from thin air. It's subtracted from something else. The same holds true for a family. The guy who did the seminar on racing dynamics after the Formula SAE competition is away from home 10 months out of the year. My boss at work is a big engine guy and has worked on race teams and built engines for various leagues. His biggest reason for quitting? It wasn't the politics or the stress. It was never being home. This guy's a genius when it comes to engines. He built the world's smallest rotary engine, and here he's working as a mechanical engineer for a brake plant.

And so here lies my issue in short: How do I accomplish my goals? And if I do, is that the life I even want? I refuse to accept a life of mediocrity. I refuse to be one of the tens of thousands of unremarkable mechanical engineers. At the same time, I refuse to miss out on everything else in life. Is there a way to accomplish this? Or do I absolutely have to choose one or the other?

Epilogue

Anyways, these are just some ramblings of mine. I don't expect answers from y'all. I don't think any of us have the wisdom required for that. I just wanted to get these thoughts off my chest. These aren't things you talk about over AIM, and my best friend is 5 hours away for the next 4 months. I've been watching Planetes this weekend, an awesome anime that coincidentally touches on a lot of this stuff, and I haven't been able to get this stuff of my mind as a result.