Humiliate Me Some More Please.

Humiliation #1

"What are you gonna do with your life?"

I hear those words each and every day from a person who's supposed to love and support me through anything.
My own mother.

You'd think that your mother would just love you even a shred after all that work giving birth to you. But no. All she does is compare my life to my brother's, call me names, and empathize the fact that I'm a "failure" and will never get anywhere in live.
I mean, the woman called my boyfriend's house while I was over there just to hurt my feelings and make me cry.
It was humiliating.
My boyfriend's family dismissed it as just mood swings from her metaposs.
But I don't think it's true.
I cried like a little moron for hours.
Who wouldn't?
What would you do if you felt like your mother didn't love you anymore and called you just to tell you that?

Humiliation #2

6 Flags.

It's supposed to be a fun place where people there forget their troubles, their worries. Get on rides, have some fun. A place to enjoy yourselves.
But it wasn't fun for me.
Well it was…. up until the part where everyone decided to go on the water rides.
I couldn't go on because of my cyst and it was cold and raining. I'd get sick if I had gone on them.
But I guess that didn't stop anyone else.

For the majority of the day, I was forced to follow behind them as they talked and laughed about how fun the water ride was. And every time they got in a line to wait for a ride, I had to sit down by myself and wait until they were done. Sometimes they wanted to get on rides more than once and I had to wait even longer.

I'll tell you right now.. that if you're sitting down in the middle of a huge water park by yourself, watching everyone have fun and be happy, knowing that you're the only miserable one there, in a place where you're supposed to be happy, without anyone stopping to show that they care…

….is one of the loneliest feelings you'll ever have. Ever.

The only comfort I got was that a female stranger kept me a bit of company while I was blankly staring at the water fountains. She expressed her sympathy that everyone would leave me behind that way. I felt a little happy that someone noticed.

Only people who don't see themselves can see how other people feel perfectly.

God, bless that nice woman. I knew that there were still people out there who cared. The world needs more selfless people.
There is still a God.

I waited for more than a half hour by myself. I was scared, I was cold, it was raining, and I was alone. And I began to get paranoid. A female can't stay alone for too long. Something bad is bound to happen. I ran off on my own.
I got lost for a little while and then I just went to the lockers near the entrance of the water park and sat there against the lockers. Waiting until they were done.

Humiliation #3

Eventually, because of my unstable emotional turmoil, I had a total shutdown. I didn't talk, feel, or think about anything.
My boyfriend eventually came and found me and he tried talking to me, but my blank attitude only fustrated him more. So I pretended to feel better to let him enjoy the rest of his trip. I started to feel responsible for ruining it.

Everyone began getting on normal rides again. But the fun and excitedment were all sucked out of me. There was nothing left. Just an empty hollow shell following them around. They started to get annoyed at me and began paying less attention to me.
I just wanted someone to notice and be with me so that I wasn't alone. But none of my friends bothered. Nobody did. I thought I wasn't alone anymore.

But I guess I still was.

I couldn't take it anymore by the end. I was pulling my hair and clawing at my neck and crying. I couldn't bare to look at anyone. People passed. Some ignored me. Other stopped to see if I was okay. Some noticed the bad claw marks on my neck and offered to call an ambulance. But I didn't answer any of them. Everyone crowded around me and watched me cry my little heart out like if I were some kind of alien.
At least nobody laughed at me.
Well one person did. But only one.

Humiliation #4

I wanted to be with my boyfriend, alone. But he was mad at me because I didn't go on a ride with him when I said I would. That was because he had went on other rides without me before and I thought he didn't need me to go on a ride with him for him to have fun on it. I told him I wanted to go back to the van. He waved his hand at me violently, in a dismissive manner.

"Go! You want to go to the van? Then go! GO! Go away!!"

My other good "friend" stood there, looking at both of us a bit shocked, not saying a thing.

I stood there as he walked ahead and I turned. I was horrified. Two other boys who were standing in line were behind me and they saw the whole thing. When I first passed them, they were engaged in a lively conversation. Now they simply looked at me with sympathy in their eyes, their mouths never moving, their eyes never flinching.
I put my head down and walked past them and sat on the bench. I started crying again.

Humiliation #5

My boyfriend grew tired of my behavior. After he got off the ride he was on, walked toward me and yanked me up by my arm. Really hard, it felt like he wanted to rip it off. He dragged me through the whole park, through the exit, and to the parking lot to the van. He let go of me and proceeded to scream at me. He told me many things.
He said that I was ungrateful because he worked so hard to get me to come and I couldn't even have the decency to enjoy the trip which is why we came. He called me selfish. He said that he did everything for me and that I never show a shred of gratitude and he topped it off with how I ruined his day of fun. Because he worked so hard and he came to have fun and forget his troubles. And that I was a weak fool for letting my negative emotions completely overcloud my positive ones.

He said all of this… in the middle of a parking lot. People watched as I dropped to my knees and cried while my boyfriend screamed at me.

This was the kind of thing that would scar you for life. No matter how much you try, you'd probably never forget it. I've never felt so miserable in my entire life. My desire to die that day was incredible. I never thought I'd want to die so badly again after I was raped. But I did.
Just like what happened when I was a kid, I'll never forget the image of my boyfriend's screaming face. Never. Never.

It's not so easy, just forgetting your problems like that. It's not. He thinks I can do that. But I can't. I'm not like him or his family. I can't just throw everything over my shoulder like that!
But he doesn't seem to understand that…

After that day, I talked to him about what happened and how I felt.
He said I was "selfish".

Every time I think about what happened, I cry uncontrollably.
I feel like I'm a terrible girlfriend.
And now I feel like I've failed him already and that it's all over.

The End

That's it. It sort of turned into a story of sorts. About how my life sucks. LOL
I couldn't come up with a proper blog title, so I just called it that.
I've been humiliated so much now that.. well… let's just say that I'm broken. 😀

This blog was super long. I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry if I troll'd.
Thanks for taking the time to read the whole thing if you did.
'Till next time I guess…

~Jaz