"It's Not Gonna Be Like This Forever"

These blogs help keep me sane. :'D

No really… they do.

2 days ago, my boyfriend stayed over my house. It was nice, it was fun. He took me out on dates to make up for past mistakes and while we didn't get to go anywhere fancy, I at least got to spend time with him. Who cares about a fancy restaurant when you're with the one you love? He made me feel great. Before my surgery, he spent the whole day with me. I felt so much more relaxed and better when he was there. I always do. Sometimes the good feelings overwhelm the bad memories. It's awesome. It gives you a feeling of nirvana. It's the best feeling ever when you feel like you have no care in the world.

However, all good things always come to a tragic halt. At least when my mother is still alive anyway.
I guess while I was sleeping, my boyfriend woke up at some point and he overheard my mother say a number of horrible things about him when she was chatting with her friend over the phone. Stuff like: "He's a lazy bum. All he does is come over and have sex with my daughter. He eats and he never pays anything. He only brings milk and soda, that's it. Blahblahblah."
Bringing in drinks is better than nothing. At least he's trying. He not fucking rich. Would she rather him bring nothing? I can't believe he went through so much trouble to help my mother, and she never has anything good to say about anyone. All she cares about is herself and her stupid money obsession.

I woke up and saw Anthony packing his things. He looked upset. So I asked what's wrong, and that's how I found out.

"She thinks I didn't understand what she said. She thinks I'm some brainless moron who can't comprehend that language. She thinks I was still sleeping when she said all of those things. She hurt me, Jaz. Fuck. If I'm not welcome here, tell her I won't bother to show up anymore because apparently, she doesn't like me as much as she pretends to."

I knew it. I freaking knew it. This whole time my mother was putting up a facade. The only reason why she ever let him stay over, was because she wanted something out of it. He had a good job then and he was paid good money. She only let him stay because of that.
What a bitch. An ice witch. Satan is a she. I hate my mother so much, guys, you can't even begin to understand. My hatred for her burns hotter than a thousand suns. I'll spit on her grave!!

"It's not gonna be like this forever."

He took me out one last time before he left. I couldn't even enjoy it this time. It was already bad enough that soon I was hardly going to get to see him since he was going to school and working at the same time. But now even when I get the chance to see him, he'll be less likely to even come over. Would you want to go over to your lover's house, knowing how much their mother dislikes you? Knowing that when she gives you that twisted, forced smile, there's nothing behind it? I feel like I'll never get to see him again.
All he said was: "It's not gonna be like this forever. I love you, Jaz…..bye…"
Then he left.

She ruined my life. I hate her. I HATE HER!!
Everything that was dark in me nearly exploded. I was a hair short from taking the kitchen knife and slitting her throat!
I didn't think I was capable of hating someone so much. Especially my own mother. I wanted her dead. I prayed to God that he'd somehow end her life and get her out of my life. She took everything from me! EVERYTHING!

There's nothing here, but loneliness. It's quiet. It's empty. It hurts a million times worse.
I call him, and our voices are silent.
He never wants to come back and though he says otherwise, I can't help but not believe him.
The company that kept me sane is slowly melting away, as if someone had thrown acid on it.
The only thing I can do is survive. I won't let her win.
I won't…

~Jaz