That's right. Happy fucking birthday to me.
The sky is a mixture of gray and dark colors. Like the world was shrouded darkness.
There was no source of light anywhere, no hope. My dreams of living a happy and carefree life with the man I love were dashed in mere moments.
The sky was falling.
Endless rain pelted everything around it without mercy. As if God were fruitlessly crying the tears I struggled so desperately to hold back.
It felt like the world was ending. That I was watching the world rot away before my very eyes. Or at least my world anyway.
In 4 days, I'll be 19 years old. I should be happy. I should be stoked.
But of course, like always, I'm not. It suddenly didn't matter anymore whether or not I was getting older. That sick feeling bubbled up inside the pit of my stomach. I didn't want to live anymore. I already began feeling my sanity being tested. Played around with like some doll.
It's Official
Anthony, my boyfriend, decided to join the military. Near my birthday, he decides he wants to go. I'd like to think it's some sick joke, but no, it isn't.
I suppose this is my birthday present, isn't it, Anthony? The big surprise you've been waiting 'till my birthday to reveal. That you're leaving? That you're giving yourself to them to do with you as they like? That I'm not going to see you for years and years. That you're forcing me to wait until you return?
I don't want this. I don't like it. But even if I begged you, it wouldn't stop you. I barely see you enough as it is, and now you want to throw some extra years into it too, do you?
Words cannot describe the magnitude of my feelings. They are fluctuating, changing constantly, I can't even pin point how I feel. No… but rather.. my whole understanding about feelings in general has been destroyed.
Can God understand my pain? Can he? Is there one to even begin with? Why?
I can see lightning raining down from the dark sky. The loud booming sounds like a giant monster, stomping around, destroying all the things I thought were sacred.
Everything is turning into nothing.
~Jaz
10 Comments
…cheers.
-toot-
I concur.
Blogs: 9
Total Likes: 99
Blog Reads: 666
….
-faints-
Total Likes: 99
Blog Reads: 666
….
-faints-
It’s funny because of your name 😀
=/
It’s always sunny in philly o:
… D:
*hugs* unfortunately guys like your bf are going off. my friends boyfriend and close friend also left for military.
No matter how bad off you think you are, there’s always someone worse off than you! =) At least you aren’t starving on the streets, right?
-free hug-
I was reading this blog because I read your other blog about your mom disapproving of your boyfriend and then I read the one you confessed to your mother and I wanted to learn more. What was his reason for joining the army? I thought you don’t really get paid much in the army unless you are a high ranking person or something.