The Ties That Bind

Crummy unoriginal titles ftw.

It's been a while. I took a long break and I was thinking about taking a never-ending hiatus, but I suppose I'll let this break last a little longer before I make a clear cut decision or unless people give me a reason to stay. I'll be working soon anyway so I probably won't have time to come here anyway. But enough about this. Onto the blog now.

So me and my parents talked…

About a lot of things.
My parents have a way of getting their point across. They don't believe in sugar coating stuff. They'll tell you up front how they feel or what they are thinking and I thank them for that. But sometimes, I dread that more than I dread anything else. Or maybe sometimes I wish I could just turn off my hearing in the middle of a conversation. I never thought thinking about silence would make me feel so good and happy considering how much I complain about being alone.
*Mumble*
I'd rather be alone than having to endure my parents' lectures though…

First off, the talk with my father…

He was kinda drunk and my mom was asleep. But we sat down in the kitchen while I had some ramen since we ran out of most of out food supply again. I was kinda upset because I wanted to add the cheese, but I had forgotten that I used it all up a while ago. Ramen tastes so plain to me now without precious, precious cheese.
He told me many things. Mostly confusing things. He contradicted himself a lot. Like…he would tell me that he would be fine and happy with whatever I was doing in life as long as I was happy and then subsequently tell me that my laptop is the reason why I have no life and will never get off of my ass to do something better and more productive with my time. I would get confused because I thought he'd be content with me just being happy but I guess he isn't. Way to go, pops. Way….to…go. I can't tell if my dad wants me to be happy or not.
I got totally mad though. Parents are never fucking happy enough with just their kids being happy. No, they always want more from us. They make me feel like the only reason we were brought into this world was to be mommy and daddy's little ticket to payday. "I'll have kids so that I could force them to work and make me some money. As much money as possible. Who gives a fuck about my kid's happiness? I just want my money. Money. Money. MONEY!"

What happened to family bonds? It's like it doesn't exist anymore. I mean, I wouldn't give a rat's ass if I were starving half to death, as long as my kids are leading a life of happiness, doing the things they want to do and not the things anyone else wants them to do. At least that way I could die happy. I don't want to outlive my children. No one does.

There's so much pressure in today's generations. Parents are starting to rob their children of their most valuable right: the right to choose how we want to live our lives. No everyone wants to be a fucking doctor or a teacher. Not everyone wants to have high salaries and giant houses with pools and 3 bathrooms. Not everyone needs a stack of cash to be happy. Some people actually want to do things that they enjoy, that makes them happy. Not being handed something and having to deal with it because mommy and daddy say so. Some people want to be electricians, computer geeks, game designers. "Who gives a fuck about what you think and how much money I make? What I'm doing makes me happy and if you can't fucking deal with it, then TOUGH!!"
Parents need to start thinking about what we want for a change, not what they want out of us. Because we aren't their dolls, their robots. We're their kids…and we have a choice in the matter.
Be a rebel, it's the new thing.

My father then told me that I ruined my boyfriend's life by not letting him join the military. It's been haunting me since…well forever. That's when I decided to draw the line. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. My feelings were hurt, but I wasn't as mad at him as I was at myself because I knew he was right and that I'm probably most likely the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends.

I am sooo not good at this.

Now the talk I had with my mother…

Usually my mom is a total bitch. But this time it was different. She usually blows off steam because he life is stressful and her boss is an asshole and I'd jump over flaming hoops just to make her life a little easier. I talk a lot out of my ass about my mom, but I still love her deep down inside just like I know she loves me too.

…

She just…. RARELY shows it.
This time when she talked, she sounded tired, melancholy. I felt bad when I heard her voice. It was the voice of a mother who loses her child. I wanted to comfort her, but during the course of our talk, I needed some comforting too. But like most of the time, I pushed it deep into my subconscious so I wouldn't have to feel it.
We talked about my brother which is a very touchy subject now. The 4 years since he left is nearly coming to a close. The last time I ever laid eyes on my brother for more than 1 day was when I was 15-16 years old. I hardly see him now, even when he comes to visit, and I've been here without him for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to have a brother. What it's like to really have any sibling at all. I feel like an only child. That I've always been an only child even though I knew that I had a brother.
But when my mom talked about him, she talked about him like he had died. She told me that he's a much different person now than he was when he first left. That he has seen things that no one else has seen. That that's what the military does to you. It changes you. Completely. I thought about it and she was right. My brother in a sense, was dead the moment he walked out of the door to the recruiter for the first time. As if he cast away his former shell of himself to become someone entirely new. I don't know if this is what he had planned, if he had wanted to do that. I don't know.
Back then he'd take any chance to make fun of me. Call me things like "mustache girl" or "Pinocchio". I always hated that, but now that I've stopped hearing that from him almost entirely…I kind of miss being made fun of by him. I miss all the countless hours we spent together playing games and solving puzzles. He always treated me like dirt when his friends were around but when we were by ourselves…he…he was like a best friend to me. My only friend at the time. My very first. When he comes to visit, I don't see him. As soon as he comes, he leaves outside to hang out with friends and doesn't come back until the wee hours of the night when everyone is practically sleeping. When I wake up, he's gone again and the process repeats. It's like he only uses us as a shelter when he visits, not bothering to spend time with anyone or even my mother who's taken the brunt of his absence. My mother has definitely changed since he left and my mother was further affected when my grandmother (her mother), was thrown into the hospital because of a seizure and the doctors gave my mother the painful choice of pulling the plug on her and letting her mother die. There were only TWO moments in life where I have seen my mother cry in my entire life. Ever. My grandmother's wake was one of those times. It was also one of the rare times that I have cried for days at a time. I've cried plenty. Just not days worth in tears. It felt like somehow if we cried enough, God would take pity on us and bring her back to life.
But anyway… going back on topic. My brother asks me to play a game with him SOMETIMES. But that's only if he's bored and has no one else to hang out with which happens only maybe once or twice, depending.
After out talk, I realized something.

My brother… he's… he's dead.

The only kind of comic relief I find in all this is the fact that I've probably done it more times in one month than my brother has in a year.

…sorry. I know that was gross. But I still think it's funny. He's getting totally 1-uped by his little sister.
I dunno how to do spoiler tags either. D: So I'm sorry.

The End, bitches.

That wraps up my long and rather depressing blog. I'm sorry that it's so long.
I might take another super long break after this. So if you see little activity on my part, that's because well…I'm not here.
NOTE TO SELF: Learn how to use spoiler tags.

R.I.P.
Abuela
1932-2008
You can finally be free now…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDcFdiersSM&feature=related[/youtube]

PAWNCH!

~Jaz