Heart’s Desire

My day had started out like any other normal day. I woke up, brushed my teeth and got dressed for work. The bathroom sink was clogged so I had to spit into the toilet and flush. I made a mental note to unclog it. I went into the kitchen to pour some appele juice into my beverage container and saw that the dishes weren’t done. I made a note to do those too. Good thing there was a dish washer to use or I would have been so exhuasted.

Recently, over the weekend, I splurged some money since I thought I deserved some shit for myself. I went into a store called f.y.e and saw that they had the Hero Edition of InFamous 2. It was 106 bucks. I decided to buy it for my boyfriend since I knew he really wanted it. That and I wanted the sweet bag it came with. It came with Cole MacGrath’s bag, his figurine, and the game’s soundtrack.
Since I kept the bag, my boyfriend has been bothering me about it. Asking me why I kept the bag. But he does that to bust my balls…uh…I mean my vagina?
I’m not a morning person and I was even crankier that I had to go to work. he kept pushing my buttons, even though I knew he was just messing around. Every time I tried to defend myself, he’d say he didn’t care. Then I told him to see how he’d like it if I did it to him. Every time he tried to speak, I interrupted him by saying I didn’t care. Something must have got to him because he stopped speaking to me all together and just put on his headphones and started walking. Not even so much as looking at me. He sped up, leaving me in his dust. I put on my headphones too and tried to catch up, but it was no use. I tried walking as fast as I could, but my short stubby legs were no match for his long legs. He stayed ahead of me. I ran out of breath and just let him go.

“Fuck him…he’s not worth it. Dumb asshole thinks it’s funny when he fucks around with me but numbnuts can’t handle it when I do it to him.

I started walking again and grabbed my cellphone by the charm that hung off it so I could listen to some tunes. The charm was of a heart and a key to the heart. As soon as I pulled, the charm snapped and broke off and I looked at it and sighed.

“Boy, is that ever a sign. Today is just going to suck major dick.“

I looked forward and watched my boyfriend’s frame get smaller and smaller. He never looked back. He just kept going. He crossed the street and then was out of sight. I figured I might as well have kept going too. Finally after what seemed like an hour of walking, I got to the bus stop, but the bus that was waiting there finally decided to start driving away as soon as I got there. I didn’t even have the will to chase it so I just sat down and waited for the other one. Didn’t even care that I was gonna be late for work. I resolved to stay late at work since my boyfriend obviously wanted nothing to do with me today.

I waited there for the bus and I suddenly had an urge to just run away and ditch everything and be by myself for a long time. I imagined myself walking along, alone. Seeing places, looking at all the nice pretty houses. Going to the field or to the lake. I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want anyone to bother me.
It’s funny. I’ve been alone for so long. Always wanting someone to be with. And now, I just wanted to be alone. Maybe I got so used to having no one around that now that I finally had a chance to have things different, I don’t even want it anymore. Does that happen? Where you’re deprived of what you really want for so long to the point where when it’s finally yours, you just don’t want it anymore?

Sometimes you think: “Well no one would give a shit anyway if I were gone.” and I had one of those moments. I imagineed staying out until late. Having everyone storm me and asking me why I never picked up my cell and why I’m back late and how they were worried and all that other mumbo jumbo crap.

“Don’t give me that bullshit. You just don’t want to have the guilty feeling of knowing you could be responsible for me if anything happened to me. Bitch.”

I imgained my boyfriend getting mad and screaming at me for everything.

“Oh, so you can walk away and leave me in your dust and pretend like I don’t fucking exist but when I get home late and make you ‘worry’, suddenly you give a rat’s ass and I’M the bad guy, huh? Stop trying to make me out to be your stupid ex-girlfriend. Just because she purposely hurt you doesn’t mean I’m always trying to do the same, you fucking moron. Stop trying to make it seem like you’re the fucking saint and I’m some slutty piece of ass you got with that’s bound to hurt you at some point. I’m not Luna, so quit being a whiny brat. God, you’re all so full of shit.”

I thought about how no one would bother to even call me unless they needed something and even if I were gone, the only call I’d get is from my mom and that’s only because she still wants me around for the money I carry and not because she’s actually looking out for my safety.

“Oh, mom. So loving, so doting and caring. I always thought it was funny how you thought that I wasn’t smart enough to wise up to your fucking manipulative plots. Don’t you think it’s a little too convienient that you always call me up on the day I got paid because you need help for something. Always asking me to give you 100 bucks even though I don’t live with you anymore and always spending it all on stuff that you aren’t supposed to be spending it on, you fucking coke head. Don’t fucking pretend like you love me. If you’re just out for my money than just fucking say so. At least than I would have SOME shred of respect for you for being honest instead of lying your ass off all the Goddamn time because the concept of being honest is just too fucking much for your coked up little brain to handle.”

I trembled a little bit. Jesus, I knew I was fucked up, but not this much. Here I am, wishing everyone would just go to hell and leave me alone and all I wanted in my sad lonely life was some company. What the hell is it that I really want? Do I want to be alone or do I want to have some friends? I rubbed my head because all this thinking was giving me a big fucking headache. Do I really wanna say those things to people? Some part of me just wanted to tell everyone off. Tell everyone to go fuck off and die. I knew for sure people would tell me I was no different, but I would just retort with something along the line of: “Yeah, well at least I’m not in complete fucking denial about who I am and about the fact that I’m going to rot in hell.”

Everyone has darkness in their hearts. Some just have more darkness in them than others. I was a little scared about how much was in mine. I really wanted to be a good person. To make everyone happy. I always tried to be considerate about others. About how they felt. But because I was that way, I was always getting walked on all over. People always using me as some kind of stepping stone. It wasn’t fair that I always thought about the feelings of others but that no one ever cared about my feelings. How I felt. No one ever askes me how I feel about something. If I’d like that. No. Never.

“What about me, huh? What if I want to go walking with everyone or food shopping with you guys? What if I want to take a walk in the park and just hang out? What if I want to go eat out and have a jolly fucking time? What if I wanted someone to call me and let me know what the deal is so I’m not left in the fucking dark all the Goddamn time? What if I wanted someone to come see ME for a change? Is that too much? Is that too fucking much for everyone? Huh? Is it?”

I slapped my forehead with my palm and drank some apple juice.
“This isn’t fucking fair. Is the only way to be happy is to be a total prick to everyone to get some fucking respect around here? Goddamn. People are just so full of shit in this world. The world is all fucked up. Maybe it wouldn’t have been a bad thing if the world did end, huh.”

The bus came and I got on and listened to music the whole way there. I blasted it as loud as I could. Maybe if it was loud enough, it would drive all the bad thoughts away.

‘Till next time…

~Jaz