Vicelin and the Magical Elongated Peas.

So today, kids, I am going to share an enchanting little story about insurance companies and why they suck ass.

Once upon a time, there was a young girl in high school who could not fall asleep like normal people. It took her 3-4 hours of tossing and turning, her mind bombarded with pointless racing thoughts, before the sandman would grace her with his presence. She figured that it was just the stress of high school, and ignored it.

Because she is blonde, and a moron in general, she waits until seven years later to see her Fairy Doctor, after finally realizing that she maybe, just might, have acute insomnia.

So she goes to her doctor and he prescribes magical little green pills that distinctly remind her of deformed, elongated peas– the peas themselves insist that they are called "Zaleplon", but she knows better then to trust the words of peas.

Anyhow, her doctor writes on the prescription that the girl will receive three refills of these magical elongated peas, and when the clock strikes three months one day ten hours and twenty-three minutes, she must return to see if the magical effect of the elongated peas is working.

And so the girl returns home, and that night she eats one magical pea. The effect was instant and amazing! The magic elongated peas used their amazing powers of telekinesis to force the sandman to visit her within a half of an hour, and the girl experienced nine hours of perfect sleep, each night.

But on the second month, something awful happened.

The girl travelled to the local magical elongated pea plant to receive her last prescription, but the pea plant refused to give her the elongated peas!

When she asked the pea plant why it denied her of her much needed magical elongated peas, the pea plant said to the girl, “it is the wicked insurance company of the west! Our data shows that they require further authorization from your Fairy Doctor to receive your last month of magical elongated peas! We will send a magical note to your doctor’s printer, telling him to respond to the wicked insurance company urgently!”

And the girl asked, “oh magical pea plant, how long will it take?”

And the magical pea plant replied to the girl, “three days, WOE!”

The girl cried, “three days without my magical peas, are you fcking joking!? What the hell am I supposed to do until then?”

The pea plant replied, “we will give you only three magical peas, but you must pay the full $5 per pea, WOE!”

The girl cried and paid the magical pea plant $15 for her three magical peas, and went home. She continued to rest peacefully, awaiting the day she could receive all of her magical elongated peas and be happy.

Three days passed, and the girl finally received a wonderful message on her magical voice box: “this is the pea plant automated messaging system! Your magical peas are filled and ready to be claimed, HOORAY FOR YOU!”

The girl travels quickly to the pea plant, excited that she will finally be receiving her magical elongated peas!

She gets to the pea plant and asks for her peas, but something very odd happens.

The pea plant says to her, “here are your prescribed magical peas! That will be $150!”

The girl cries out, “$150, are you fcking joking!? I had thought that you had sent a magical message to my Fairy Doctor, and that he would speak with the wicked insurance company of the west to authorize my magical peas!”

The pea plant replies, “Oh no, it looks like we forgot to send the magical message to your Fairy Doctor, WOE!”

The girl is so angry with the pea plant that she storms home. As soon a she arrives, she calls the wicked insurance company of the west herself, demanding to know why her peas are still being denied to her!

“Oh wicked insurance company of the west, why does my Fairy Doctor need to re-authorized a refill that he already fcking authorized on the fcking prescription that he wrote?”

The wicked insurance company of the west answers, “well, you see, your particular insurance plan only covers these particular magical elongated peas for the first 60 days!”

The girl is appalled by this new insight, “wicked insurance company of the west, you did not think that this information was fcking important enough to share with me or my Fairy Doctor!?”

The wicked insurance company of the west laughs at the girl, “well, there is a way to solve this problem, little girl.”

The girl begs, “what is it?”

“Well,” the wicked insurance company of the west begins, “we must call your Fairy Doctor to re-authorize the magical elongated peas for you!”

The girl cries, “how long will this take?”

“Three days, WOE!” the wicked insurance company replied, “we suggest that in the mean time, you purchase three more non-covered magical peas from the pea plant for another $15, WOE!”

The girl slams her head hard onto the nearest wall, cracks her skull, and dies.

The. God. Damn. End.