Ice Caps vs. guilt trips

I had a shitty week so far. Here's how it started:
I went to church, where I go solely for the purpose to see my friends- my buddy and his gf. My buddy's mom forces him to go to church and now his gf goes, and I had been going in April. I just go to the sunday school thing so I can still get something out of it without having to listen to scripture, which makes me bored.

So Sunday my friends didnt show up and the guy teaching, Edward, hands out these books written by some successful American zealot, and he's asking us what we want to do with out lives then telling us to read the first page and it went something like this:

Book: Here's they key to life: it's not about you (WTF THIS IS MY LIFE NOT A JOB AM I NOT ENTITLED TO BE HAPPY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE???)

So I told Edward "This is something they'd tell you in North Korea, only it's Kim Jong-il and not God"

he'sl ike: "uhh..true, but this is God we're talking here"

So I'm thinking: what if God wants me to live a crappy minimum wage job being harassed by my bigot stepdad and just having to 'suck it up' rather than do what I want to do to enjoy life? Karma's been biting me in the ass nonstop ever since I stopped talking to my stepdad- no i refuse to agree with what Edward was trying to indoctrinate us with. So that was Edward's attempt to make us feel like we weren't free and that we were just tools.
I said, "Yeah well if God wanted us to be noob tools that He could rule over the way King Jong il does, He wouldn't have given us free will to begin with, and I wonder why the hell did he put the tree of knowledge in the garden of Eden if he didn't want us to be free-willed and have knowledge??

because all this crap Edward was telling us reminded me of how people are indoctrinated in North Korea and are trained to worship Kim Jong il, are selected by the state to learn a talent or work a certain job and ordered by the state to do so. If people in NK screw up they end up in concentration camps (Youtube it), North Korea's hell. I'm not comparing God to Kim Jong Il, since he's loving as the church people tell me non stop, but still, Edward trying to tell me I wasn't free just because the UN human rights charter and Canadian Constitution said so, was just fucking weird, and it pissed me off.

Maybe its because I was the only young person at church who had NOT been religiously indoctrinated my whole life. I grew up around some moral influence but mostly common sense, and the last month or 2 I had been listening to Atheist Experience radio show while playing WoW. I guess the not being religiously indoctrinated since birth thing is why all that confused and pissed me off. I feel dirty every time i go there anyway. lol. Or maybe I totally misunderstood, but the first sentence in the book "It's not about you, it' about God" pretty much explained it all. That church was alright and they actually threw out their stash of christian books to keep people from picking them up and getting wrong messages, etc. and now this guy brings in a book from the USA which I know for its hyper nutty Christians (ex. Ted Haggard, Jerry Fallwell, Fred Phelps, Warren Jeffs, FLDS, Westboro Baptist Church, Becky Fischer & Jesus camp people, young earth creationists, that stuff)

I love how atheists can argue back and just chew up and shred religious arguments. it's great. just for entertainment look up 'atheist experience' and 'Pat Condell' on google video and youtube, just for entertainment.

SO, anyboar, now after that this week with that shit running through my mind, two women were interested in dating me, and one asked first, I had to turn the other one down, and i felt so guilty and regretful for some reason all day about it. Then I biked to langley city about 20 miles away, went to tim horton's got an Ice Cap, and ended up talking to these two people- pretty random, and somehow after I downed the ice cap, idk what was in it, but it washed away the guilt for a good 90 minutes. Which was nice.

And today I got a call from the lady at the YMCA (where i took an assessment for the youth internship program) and she was pissed at me for missing a job interview today which she did not even give me the information for at all, and I was still pissed cause I thought I looked bad.
she rescheduled it and said it's in Richmond. so I gotta go all the way out there (45 km or 3 hours on a bus) for the job interview. it's with the Canadian Coast guard, probably an office job.
I hope it works out well.

And the lady who said she was interested in dating me told me of how her past partner was great and she didnt want to meet me and made something up about a friend's relative being in the hospital. (ok i believed her and said I did, but everyone else I talk to pretends to be interested then stops talking to me), and now it feels like she's gonna do the same too, making me feel like more of an idiot.

I hate rejection. Everytime it makes me feel worse, like future dates are gonna be worse and worse until I settle. That's bullshit, and i hate feeling like that. when I come close to dating a woman, my mind goes into overdrive and my inner-critic is like "Wow you actually got a date, someone's gonna take the time and effort to see what qualities you got. This will probably be your last chance or else you won't get a date for 20 years by then all the women your age will turn into cougars and only want younger guys. Don't screw this up!"

so she's probably gonna lose interest (without even giving me a chance to actually spend time with her) and its just gonna go to shit. she agreed to meet, then canceled it over the family thing. And what pisses me off even more is all the other guys I know can get girlfriends, or get laid, easily, and for me its this gigantic WTF maze of scripts and skits, and if I so much as don't follow it, i lose out. there's been so much of it it pisses me off. When I think about it.

So that's about it. I need to sleep, gotta get up at 5am tomorrow. Nite.

Oh, and this is not a debate blog, just me ranting. Everyone believe what you want religion-wise, I'm not trying to impose anything. Too much effort and i never liked preaching anyway.