Java Peppers' Guide to Quel'thalas 3

This fanfic is based in part on Shane Smith's Vice Guide to North Korea
(part 3). Shane Smith works for VBS TV, which is an awesome media group. As this fanfic progresses, I will put it on a different course instead of following the story-line of Vice Guide to NK , since my imagined version of QT has differences from NK. I will be using Shane Smith's narrating style, so I credit this fanfic to VBS.
If you see any means where I could better cite things, let me know and I will update the story promptly. And don't click away just because of a grammatical error. I'd be such an asshole if I did that to others. I've read other' stories that were full of grammar errors and I still enjoyed them. anyways here it is, ENJOY 😀

PS: I wrote this on the fly during an imaginative boost while at work. yes, there may be some gram errors, and other grammar issues may arise from me trying to manipulate the sounds of the words and tones. some movies people omit grammar protocol when saying catchy things or interrupting themselves to add statements. I tried to implement this…sort of.

Java Peppers' Guide to Quel'thalas II

Hello, angry Blood Elves!

Translated transcript of propaganda radio clip from QT: "Under the guidance and command of the great Sin'scothar Dynasty, we Sin'dorei have reformed ourselves, rebuilt our kingdom, rebuilt the Sunwell, and made the biggest and best army in all of Azeroth. Research in apothecarism, alchemy, magic, sorctology (sorcery + technology) and weapons development, and military training have lead to the development of the most powerful, efficient weapons and a master force of dedicated soldiers who will forever proudly defend and protect Quel'thalas from the tyranny and agression of the Alliance and Horde.

It is the responsibility of every Sin'dorei to defend the kingdom and our virtues and culture in the presence of extra-national scum from outside. As declared by the Sun, only humans have potential for understanding and peace and friendship with the Sin'dorei. Because they are brainwashed by the barbaric nature of primitive psuedo-intelligent races in Azeroth, Sin'dorei must well-guard human visitors priveleged to visit Quel'thalas, and regard them with high handedness and iron will of all Sin'dorei in order for humans to open their eyes and minds to the wonderous culture and way of life of the sin'dorei. They must and are trained and advised by our passionate and strongwilled advisors and certified guides to practice discipline and devotion and expand their learning during their stay in Quel'thalas. Only through discipline will humans exercise their better virtues and accecpt the gift of wisdom from the Sun and the Sin'Scothar dynasty…"

The flight from Dalaran to Silvermoon was about 16 hours. For pretty much the whole entire flight, we sat rooted to our seats in the back of the zeppelin, with about eight stern-faced red guards staring us down. Amy and I weren't allowed to talk, not even whisper to eachother. In fact, about an hour into the flight, they separated us, and to keep us occupied, they handed us these alphabet transliteration charts that translate Thalassian and Roman letters, so we could learn to read Thalassian words and learn what the letters sould like. The Blood Elves made us read everything outloud over and over again for the whole flight.

I had to use the bathroom and I asked if I could. They all exploded in a fury and started screaming at me as if I just said some taboo profanity or mentioned an offensive topic. The minder, he, uh then says in English about 15 minutes after them screaming at us; 'never talk like that to us again,' and 'you need to be more polite, disgusting human,' and then he goes on about how selfish I am just for wanting to take a leak, and then he talks about how other humans were killed for a lesser offence. After they all calmed down, I thought, 'holy shit, you guys, all I wanted to do was take a leak, I wasn't talking shit about anything.' Of course I ended up pinching it near the end of the flight, and I was in pain ' cause I had to piss so bad, and so apparently there was a misunderstanding. I failed earlier to convey the message that I had to urinate, and they over-reacted the the fact that I was asking for something, or they purposely overlooked that part.
Then of course, this mage, angry blonde Blood Elf starts sneering and muttering non-stop in Thalassian, about how filthy he thought humans were. Release of waste is a bodily function in all organisms, including humans, of course they probably would have killed me if I stated that.

Blood Elves don't like to be corrected, or owned in any sort of discussion or argument. Their air of arrogance implies they are always right, no matter what, and refused to be challenged by a critical thinker, or even each other. Most of the flight, the blood elves watching me and Amy were screaming at eachother in heated debates over how they wanted us to sit, or speak as we read the workbooks. Amy sneezed and was nearly flame-broiled by a fire mage for doing so. they sprayed her down with some sort of foul smelling sanitizer and argued for about two hours about killing her.

When we got off the zep at the airfield near Silvermoon, first thing we noticed was the sky was pink. That was because of this huge massive barrier of arcane and magnetic energy being projected above Quel'thalas like a giant sheild. On the outside it looks like a massive mirror bubble. Inside, it brakes down incoming sunlight, making the sky look pink.

When we got off, there was a large group of heavily armed blood elf guards. There were paladins, mages, warlocks and their hulking purple furry-looking voidwalker demons. Warriors had their swords drawn, and many others were holding back growling snarling dragonhawks. Most of them were armed not with wands and staves, but with guns. Blood Elves have been making buttloads of weapons since their revolution, and have made their own arcane-powered variations of pistols, machine guns, Uzis, Barettas, AK-47's, SA-80's, even the rapidfire weapons like the G11 machine gun which uses a computer chip. The distinct difference from blood elf weapons is that they are made from crimson stained metal, and the ammo used is arcane particles condensed into thick plasma, that's held in compact solid-like form by the magnetic features of the magazines and clips. As soon as we got off the air ship, they all cocked their guns and pointed their guns and Amy and I.

We were greeted by this tall, angry looking stern-faced woman who dyed her hair blue to indicate her authorization to speak to humans. She was the tourguide and minder and guard. She was acompanied by four others. Her name was Galtrow. We just call her Gal. Gal greeted us in an angry stern voice, saying, 'Welcome to Quel'thalas. You should be thankful for the honor of the privelege of being brought here. With the respect you showed to the officers of the Sunreavers, they valued your potential to learn and reform, as do we…"
And then she goes on about how she heard on the phone of how rotten we were on the flight out here, *chucles* and that we are in need of some serious discipline, and that she and her sisters would be more than happy to 'guide' us through it. She was barking at us in a military-like tone, as if scolding new recruits to a military school or yelling at bad kids. She's all like 'you little shits should be ashamed of yourselves for your behavioral problems onboard the Sin'Cygan- that's the zeppelen we were on, and of course the ultimate offense of asking for something.

Oxygen Toxicity and Arcane Sickness symptoms = fapping in public. A complete outrage.

Then at that point, Amy and I began to feel really dizzy. Amy first, and she was starting to wobble, and Gal started shouting at her all like 'HEY why the hell are you doing that?! and so on, and then I began to feel it. We got real dizzy, while trying to stand at attention, with Blood Elves pointing their weapons at us and this angry woman just screaming in her deep loud ear-shattering voice, and my ears started ringing, and we started coughing, and our muscles and lips began twitching and shit, and at first I had no idea why and then it hit me:

Amy and I were having a hardon case of oxygen toxicity. It's nausea, coughing, tunnel vision, muscle twitching, convulsing, seizures, violent puking and it really messes you up. The atmosphere in Quel'thalas is a lot different than outside. It's thicker air, 70% oxygen, 10% nitrogen, and 20% of other compound gases including fluorides. We were breathing about 35x the safe limit of oxygen gas, and believe it or not, excess amounts of oxygen gas, the same thing we need to live, is extremely dangerous in amounts higher than what we normally breathe. We got sick real fast, and instead of thinking, 'oh shit, the oxygen right, let's give them a potion and make them better' the blood elves watching us were more like, 'Those humans are so disgustingly offensive! How rude'

I mean being sick with hyperoxia, and radiation sickness from arcane radiation, and the suffering…to them it was the same as masturbating in public. The look of outrage on their faces was baffling to us. They were offended by our biological reaction to the atmosphere in Quel'thalas. They wanted to kill us right there on the spot, and thank God oour tourguide Gal knew something about this, even though she was pissed like you wouldn't believe with me and Amy.

And of course, we were already falling ill from the exposure to arcane radiation from the environment and from the blast of radiation coming from the Sunwell even though it was 250 miles away. we were coughing, gagging. Amy started to go blind and was panicking, and sweating like crazy, and then we started coughing up blood. Gal flipped out. She reached back, and slapped me upside the face so hard, it felt like I just got smoked in the face with a red hot baking tray. She grabs Amy by the throat, and is shouting at her, "Stop this now you insolent little shit. How dare you! STOP IT NOW!" , and she just smokes her harder than she did me.

Apparently blood elves think we can control our symptoms when we're sick. They sure as hell can, and decided we were literally doing this on purpose. A healer was close by and said something to her in Thalassian and she had us taken -marched at gunpoint- inside this weird building where they had this customs checkpoint set up. They forced us to keep talking all the way and it got really bad and painful, and that was our first of many fear-trips where we thought. holy shit, we're gonna die.
Of course the blood elves with held the potions from us and forced us to keep our composure and we did, I don't know how. they made us stand in this room for what seemed like hours before giving us the elixirs and potions that protected us from the oxygen and arcane.
The first was an oxy-potion. It breaks down oxygen gas and mixes it with other molecules that we exhale or pissed out later, reducing the oxygen we breathed in to a safe amount, and it protected our lungs as well. The other was an arcane absorbtion potion, and of course, we needed a third one that protected us from fluorine exhalant- blood elves breathe out ozone and elemental fluorine gas and that shit is highly toxic.

Organisms in QT = aliens

Mammals in Quel'thalas inhale oxygen and exhale ozone. Fluorine comes as a nutrient from the food they eat and is exhaled. Biology and pretty much the entire ecosystem in Quel'thalas is different; the whole kingdom has been under this massive climate control system for thousands of years, and life inside the arco-magnetic sheild has changed dramatically, both naturally and with the introduction of various chemicals and magic by Blood Elves. Many plants and animals have been genetically modified, and recently, many weird looking plants and animals in the experimental zones have been produced from synthetic bacteria. Even though everybody outside hates Quel'thalas, they all hope to God that the climate control system there never craps out or fails, because if it did, the environmental catastrophe and the long term effects would be no less than absolutely devastating.

After they gave Amy and I the elixirs we needed to be safe from excess oxygen gas, and arcane radiation, they broke out the needles and as ordered by Gal gave us all these vaccines. Right after we began to feel dead tired and just wanted to sleep, and Gal wouldn't let us and sparked us so many times to keep us awake and alert. Amy was almost losing it and I was worried about her, but before she freaked out, she managed to keep herself together and my concern is if she can hold it in for an entire 3 months.

While scolding us simple for the taboo criminal offense of being human. Gal lectured us for hours on how we were supposed to behave as Blood Elves and she went on and and on of how we didn't become fluent in Thalassian before coming here and all that. Then she went on to describe in graphic detail of what happens to undead slaves, and how we could be killed and risen by their apothecaries as undead slaves and face an eternety of hard labor, torture, pain and suffering if so so much as exercised any spoken word or form of body language that could be remotely thought as of disregard for everything in and about Quel'thalas, say for example expressing that we needed sleep, or even getting sick. In short, Gal laid out her expectations and expectations by the government of us to simply no longer be human. We were required to think, talk, act, and behave exactly like Blood Elves. There was no room for us to be human, whatsoever. She even discouraged thinking in English and wanted us to run all our thoughts through our brains in Thalassian. We were going to be forced to learn the language anyway.

I think at that point the only good news I heard was that Gal's aides, the other two angry blue-haired blood elves, were going to be filming us for the duration of our trip. I pondered before on how we were going to do that, and now that part was made easy. And nerve wracking, since Gal and her aides, Telithvia and Achien, were going to be filming us 90% of the time, while working or sitting through Thalassian-second-language- TSL; or getting grilled by Gal or other Blood Elves for not living to the insane ridiculously high standards of conformity upheld here. They had their laws and regulations extended all the way down to how a Blood Elf walked. How you lie on your bed, how you eat with what cutlery, how you read, and even so much as moving your eyes.

They were going to make a documentary about us, she said it would be on how Quel'thalas' "tourism" industry (more like a reform program for visitors) would adapt humans to life here, reform them, and send them back instilled with the wisdom and knowledge of the Blood Elves. When Gal said that, I wondered if I risked death by asking her at the end of the visit if we could get a copy of this movie too.

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hoped you liked it. will edit soon