Dating…………….seriously, WTF?!

Sup. I'm really stressed out and I just need to rant. I'm really pent up about a bunch of stuff and have no idea who to talk to, so I need to ramble here.
there's a lot of seemingly stupid things.

Yeah, this is what it feels like for me.

I think using dating sites, failing and succeeding to meet people and sustaining mental damge from forcing myself through encounters with women I wasnt even attracted to (except when hopped up on testosterone. Testosterone fogs up a guy's mind, and even guys who do mean good are not immune to this hormone. I once thought "Testosterone is like meth. It can destroy a man and lead him to harm the people around him"

To me, dating has got to be the most ridiculous superficial, bogus process ever. Well that's just me saying that because
that's what it looks like through my experiences. It feels to me that finding a good GF who I'd actually be compatible with is some sort of social privelege or entitlement I just don't have access to. 🙁

Every girl I dated never gave a shit about me, and-

…Don't get me STARTED on that load of shit! Fine, I will get started on it.

Online dating is the stupidest, dumbest, full-of-shit, superficial crapfest ever! And I mean EVERY dating site, even the free ones!
But-
I'll go back to 2003, when I was 16. I was on the wrestling team. I just came out of a major depression cause my guilt-tripping parents found out i shoplifted the previous summer and made me feel like I deserved to die (ok fine the guilty conscience they gave me made me feel like).
And wrestling got me out of it. I was actually doing good and being able to fight back on the mat, since the coach put me in the noob group (i was still in novice category) so I actually had a chance.
We went to Kamloops for a wrestling tournament, and I ran into this girl named Kara, and she liked me alot and all her friends were super nice to me. Being accepted like that and having a gf was a major boost for me and I was really excited about it, since a girl actually liked ME!
We were all happy and having a good time and shit, and I thought it would always be like that every time I saw them. I spent that weekend with Kara and her friends (from the Yale High School team), and went home in some messed up euphoric stage.

We talked for a month on MSN about all kinds of stuff, and during that time, feeling actually accepted as part of the group (give or take 50 miles between Burnaby and Abbotsford); it was great. Then we all met again at a wrestling tournament at Port Alberni. I still hate that town with a passion. First off, the industrial places pump so much pollutants in the air, it affects everyone (all the chemicals you breathe in and it goes to your brain making you really irritable or pissed off); and it WAS that time of the month T.T
And my coach wanted me to lose weight, and for 2 days before I went to Port Alberni, I ate no food, so the hunger kinda messed me up (they wanted me to be 69 kg or less on the scale).
I saw her and her friends on the ferry, and I bought her a little Mountie beaver plushie thingy. She was happy to see me and when I found out we were all staying at the same hotel, i was like "WOOOOOOOT"
We went to the town in separate buses, and when we got there, she and her friends waited by their bus outside the hotel, but they weren't happy.

I was oblivious so I tried to say hi, and liven up the mood, but they all just stood there, even Kara, looking all moody, pissed off and distant. I didn't really think about it at first so after giving her a hug I went back to take my bag to the room I was staying at. K, I was totally oblivious about them being moody and joined them when we went to Safeway to get some food. They, like lashed out at me for talking to them, etc. Again, I was like
"……………………" literally, I just didnt get the hint.

So the next day, I got put in a match with this guy who was already pro at wrestling, had a personal trainer and probably a diet of UFC-brand steroid-laced protein powder. guy throws me around like a ragdoll. 10 secons later, ref blows whistle, and I was out of the tournament. ( didnt really care about winning, I just wanted to have a match where I'd be able to fight back, and get even, and maybe win.) and so ended my striek of good luck and optimism of actually getting any further in wrestling- in training and at tournaments.
I saw KAra and she and her friends were really bitching out at me now, and I was like (oh shit! they're PISSED AT ME! Gotta resolve this problem fast!)
so I asked what was wrong as they were leaving, she's like "YOU'RE TOO SMOTHERING" and all her friends- practically the whole Yale wrestling team all gave me the look of death as they walked out of the arena place.
All I did was give her one hug that day.

To me, that instant was like I'd just been convicted like a criminal. And the guilt surge made me want to die. I felt sooo guilty as if I committed a crime or something. All I wanted to do was go somewhere and hide.

K, I got Asperger Syndrom,
and that means, I am mostly clueless about all the stupid invisible clues and hints that go between friends and bf-gf's. I know the obvious hints, and have been learning alot (too bad it was from guilt-laced hard learnt lessions cause now I'm all bitter).
But back then, it was like OW.

My luck in wrestling went to shit, and I stopped going. I never actually enjoyed it. it was a hard-failed attempt to 'toughen-up' and instead i damaged my growing self esteem and perspective on myself.

My next relationship was with this girl Jessica, and it started out normal. I didnt screw up, etc. I met her when I was 19, and she was 18. We met at a comic book store where people played Magic or D&D. I was often there reading their Rifts RPG books. So we started talking, and during the first few times, my guilty conscience or inner critic is like She doesn't want you! why are you talking to her??? she can find someone so much more interesting than YOU
But it failed as I forced my self to talk to her, and thankfully she didnt notice. She didnt even think I was a creep. I didnt even judge her when she started telling me DEAD BABY JOKES, and those were just creepy.

So she invited me to her house, and for the next month, I spent my time with her there (she didn't like going places other than the comic book store), and we mostly cuddled and kept eachother company. I was actually feeling confident, but more importantly, I grew to like her alot, even though I was skittish when we got real close. She wanted to have sex.

Here's why I was so skittish. I have no idea how, why, or where, but the "moral fiber" in my system (or BIOS in computer terms, or whatever the f*** part of my mind) was on conservative settings: I unconciously believed that sex was for marriage or with a gf I knew for a long time, and the other part that tied in with that was the influence from all the damn womens' groups that came to my school talking about domestic violence and how bad men were. They would show these stupid movies about how all men are bad, and creepy, and that caused a domino-effect in me. What I heard while listening to those people hit way too many nerve cells in my brain and tie that in with my disability, and the result was this in me:

Any sort of male interaction with girls that involves touching, kissing, sex and so on initiated by the guy was amount to sexual harassment or assault. I thought that she had to get things started or at least say a spoken 'YES' because to me the whole CONSENT thing was "Everything means 'NO'. Must get spoken yes to proceed. And all this shit fucked my confidence with her, but she took it slow.

THEN, one day, it all fell to shit. I was just about confortable and ready to do it with her, and all of a sudden, SHE STOPS TALKING TO ME! no explanation, whatsoever.
Another huge POW. That was depressing, and it made me lost all my feeling of optimism in dating. I felt like a failure, and I thought I wouldn't get a gf again.

in 2008, I met Laura through my cousin Celia. Laura had the same disability as me, and when we met, she fell madly in love with me, but I didnt feel any chemistry. She was clingy and kept talking about us being in a relationship and I was panicking. First week of us hanging out she takes me to meet her parents and they invited the whole family over for dinner and that was really freaky,. They all seemed to like me alot, but I was afraid, cause I thought:
Oh shit! what if I screw up and these people all HATE me this much? . Then when we were all eating, her parents were joking about us having KIDS.
(and to me this is what being a father would look like: me trying to take care of the kid, with gf screaming at me, etc). Ever since my sister was a baby and I got screamed at by our mom I decided I dont want kids ever. To me I thought thats waht being a big brother/father was about. Taking shit from other.

So Laura stopped talking to be cause my hisitation was too much for her. she wanted a relationship now. And I was the first guy she really liked. her last bf';s were really abusive to her, and when she told me that, I was like 'aw shit.' Then Celia gave me an earful cause she was trying to pressure the whole thing and it didnt work. She was always trying to hook me up with no-so-attractive girls and one hot summer day she took me to meet this ogre (i'm sorry but its the only way to describe her), who was covered in gobs of goth make-up. I was already heat sick and almost puked when I saw her. Not joking. I was actually nauseous.

I guess what I am afraid of most is ending up in a bad relationship or having to just 'settle,' and go with it. Ideally, I want to meet someone who'd be comfortable with, compatible with, and who would have a lot in common. I'm afraid I'll end up with someone who's so conservative, moral, distant, imposing of their moods, or controlling, rather than someone who would just chill and relax.
++++++++

Then I discovered the dating sites on the internet. I looked at some of them, one called 'POF' (it is a really bad site and doesnt deserved to be linked)
Here, I discovered ARTIFICIAL PRE-CONTEXT. screw natural dating, I went for this instead. So I made a profile, and for the last 5 years, even now, I've been going to these stupid sights overly optimistic about finding some one. I learned quickly that:
Most women on the sites were flat out narrow minded snobs. Most GUYS are arrogant, celf-centered, perverted, over-horny douche bags. And all the good guys are stigmatized with this bad reputation and not given a chance.
In fact, in a place where interaction is nothing but TEXT, a simple message as 'Hi' has been cliche'd and anything that a polite guy would say to a girl has been over-used by all the douche bags before they would show the women pictures of their wangs.
I even got banned from POF. Account deleted. WTF.

I bounced around dating sites, and to be honest, my optimism for relationships or finding a girlfriend was literally gone, and it still is. So people try to have these alternate relationships instead of traditional, because everyone knows that traditional relationships are full of drama, grudges, yelling, screaming, both partners being self centered, and they actually become enemies and then there's the explosive breakup with grudges and hatred all around.

Dating sites are so stupid. They make you pay money just to communicate. A few years ago, MSN and Yahoo had these 'Groups' networks where you could meet people and potentially date, now they've been taken down and converted into PAID services. Why pay to be rejected?
And my general impression with dating sites is that people are so selfish, they expect you to be exactly how they want. I read a review about POF written by some guy who said a woman liked him but turned him down because he was 2" shorter than what she wanted. 2 inches of HEIGHT?? Wow.

So the alternate was "F W B" Friends with benefits. Act like friends, go bang them in bed. To me, I thought, 'allright, I'll go for that',. I did that because I wanted to have cex and I thought being a virgin was a real bad thing. And on women's profiles they'd be like 'MUST HAVE EXPERIENCE.'
One attractive woman wanted to teach me, but I was too nervous and chickened out. I figured if my parents found out I'd be shot, especially by my stepdad, and she was in Victoria. By the time I was gonna see her, she got a bf. Fail and a half.

So that's how I met my first partner, this 41-year old lady who was visiting Vancouver for a week, and I went to go see her. She was hardly attractive (girls who are fat (240+lb's) or BBW's, and when I left, all I could feel was awkward after going through an activity like that for the first time. I'm not gonna say I regret it, because If I could go back in time, I'd probably have done it again.

I met a few women, mostly whom were older than me, and I just walked away feeling guilty more than anything. Especially my last 'friend' who I'll call 'J'
We emailed, chatted and met. J was 48, really lonely, wanting someone in her life, depressed that she couldn't find anyone, and clueless and hopped up on my hormones (and really cexually frustrated after coming back from Whistler where I was in the sun all day 15 days in a row, and surrounded by people who were hooking up and having flings except me), I said I'd be happy to help her out.

After seeing her, it hit me like an ATOMIC BOMB. I thought Oh SHIIIT. This is not right! I felt the same guilt, and ugly feeling for forcing myself through that, just to make J happy. (and I wasnt even attracted to her). She was, but one of the package of bite-me-in-the-ass lessons I learned was
1: YOU CANT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP IF YOU ARE DOING IT JUST TO MAKE THE OTHER HAPPY (and vice versa). They won't be able to do the same for you.
2: Neither partners should be down in the dumps about life, themselves, etc. They have to be able to mutually exchange positive energy (that's how best I can describe it
3: Short encouters FAIL HARD and make you feel guilty if your self esteem, assurance, etc isn't 100%. Neither mine nor J's was. we were both lonely looking to fill the void in our lives. soon as you climax its like instant guilt trip
4: To get the best out of intimacy, one must be with someone they know and trust and love, and who returns the same for them.

The shit hit me so hard my sex-drive shut down for like 2 weeks, I was not at all hopped up by testosterone, that part was kinda nice actually. I felt somewhat peaceful for those 2 weeks, aside from the shame I felt. J wanted to see me again, and when she called me and said so, it hit me again. I didnt feel any of that excitement I was looking for, all I felt was guilt, and hurt. So I didnt want to go through keeping her happy and getting nothing but guilt out of it. Misleading her like that would have been a major dick move. So I felt I had to meet her in person instead of text messaging or even a phone call. She was really upset and went home crying and I felt so bad. So later, I told her that I was wrong, and how screwed up I was due to my experiences, and she said she knew she wasn't looking in the right place either. Even thinking about it now makes me feel really guilty. She had no grudge against me, and didn't judge me like the narrow minded douche bags she met before. I felt so bad for her. She actually said I was more caring and affectionate to her than her husband (b4 they divorced).

Of course I didnt violate any boundaries of consent, that was 2-way, and nothing was forced, but I still felt like a sex offender, because I was so hopped up on my hormones, I completely mislead myself and her and we both got hurt in the end.

I think using dating sites, failing and succeeding to meet people and sustaining mental damge from forcing myself through encounters with women I wasnt even attracted to (except when hopped up on testosterone. Testosterone fogs up a guy's mind, and even guys who do mean good are not immune to this hormone. I once thought "Testosterone is like meth. It can destroy a man and lead him to harm the people around him"

So now, I dont want to look for one-night stands or brief encouters anymore. It doesnt work for me, even though it seems to work for everybody else. I hear guys and girls talking about their rendevous with partners, and it just drives me insane at times.
FWB or traditional, I still want someone who I'd care about and who'd care about me, and so on. Someone I could connect with.
++++++++++++++++++++

I still go on dating sites, but Im actually gonna quit soon. I don't wanna deal with it anymore. There's this stupid script you gotta go by and its more than common sense when emailing or chatting with people on dating sites, etc.
For example, I say Hi. I get blocked.
When someone actually wants to talk to me, if I don't say 'want to meet' soon enough, they stop talking to me. I have been chatting on MSN with this lady named L. She's 48, but looks 35, I'm attracted to her already, and we talked and seem to be compatible so far. Then she talks about a guy my age she met last year, and my heart injects this corrosive acid and does a backflip (pretty much that happened all the time) and my system's going 'omg gotta get some of that excitement!' and even from just talking to her (like with every woman I talked to or dated) my heart starts beating really fast, and my system just goes into this huge loop where if the woman likes me, my self esteem goes up, and if she rejects me, it crashes and I get all depressed and feel like no one's going to want to date me.

So I was talking to her on MSN last night, and we were keeping a good conversation. Then I got nervous fearing if I didnt ask if she wanted to meet (some of them think MSN chat is useless and would rather meet in person), she says not yet, 'I want to get a feel of your personality first'. By that she meant chat on MSN for a bit.

You can't get an accurate feel of someone's personality just by talking online. you get an impression only. So I think she might already reject me for not being able to come up with things to say when she stops adding things to the discussion, and just goes 'ya ya ya ok ok ok ic ic ic'.
And then, "I g2g", and logged off

esteem ****_ crash. I'm hoping that she just actually had to go. It's really hard for me to keep a conversation if I'm all nervous or they aren't adding things. Then what if I'm too boring. ( I didnt want to talk about perverted stuff at that point). but still that got me depressed and I could hardly sleep last night.

I keep hearing about people having good relationships or hooking up, or older women talking about their younger guy friends, and it drives me up the wall knowing I can't get into any of that what's going on! I'm sitting grounded to the sidelines. and my system gets me jumped up full of anxiety at every chance I have to meet someone or make a good impression, and when something happens, my critic nukes my esteem and i can't talk!

I really hate this. I really hate how my system goes into overdrive when I talk to girls, and then crashes. I really hate how my confidence and esteem rides on the approval or comparison of others, instead of my own life or things I do. The only time I feel good about myself is when I go biking accross town. (like when I jogged 20km and couldn't walk for a week all to impress a runner girl who later said she had a bf. that was depressing), and when I fail to get a date, or fit in, or w/e, my inner critic makes me feel so ashamed.

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Even if I were to say Hi to a girl on the bus or in the mall, she either gives me the look of death, or I turn away quickly. Recently, I was in a book store and me and this girl standing next to me happened to be looking at the same book (it was written by a guy who hates cute animals with a passion lol). We were laughing and showing eachother pictures, and I was like Omg this is amazing, she is actually talking to me! where the F do I go from herE?!
Then her friend comes up and she leaves.

clubs, bars, pubs, I hate them all. It's too loud and you can't hear people talk anyway. I feel like because of my dating record, I am cursed. Cursed with never going to be able to meet someone, no matter what I do. I try not to think about it, but I'm afraid I;m going to wind up a lonely old man who nobody would want to date.
And it doesnt help that every girl I do talk to says she has a bf. It's like, WTF!

I'm going to see how things with L go. If it works out for however long, I hope it will be a positive experience. If it fails, I should be happy about having less to worry about. Either way, I'm going to eventually quit internet dating. It messed me up, all the artificial contexts and false optimism, etc.

I think I need to unwind from trying to find somebody and learn to like myself before meeting someone…

Please don't flame