Stuck

Arrgh, it's just one of those days where I'm feeling depressed for no reason and I'm pissed off about things. And I'm even more pissed for feeling guilty about complaining to others as opposed to keeping it bottled up (wich I figure is over 9000x worse as it would make me bitter and hate my life).

This is gonna be rambling and pretty much a continuation of the blog 'Dating……..seriously, WTF' after I've thought about some things. I got instant writer's block trying to get this off my chest, and it looks embarassing.

First thing: I got no sleep until 5am, woke up late and got to work late. no one noticed but I still hate coming in late. And the Skytrain (subway) is more packed if I'm late. So I'm pissed about that.

Second thing: I'm supposed to be doing things and learning from this internship so I can add a bunch of things to my resume, but all there is to do is mindless data entry and it's boring as fuck and my mind is more sick of it than I am and if I look at another fish slip and its crapload of numbers, my brain refuses to function. I spent April-July filling up last year's database because the douche bag who worked here before me hid the stacks of un entered slips somewhere and I found it.

So I'm bored as hell, and pissed off at myself for being like this when I got a job that's easier than construction bitch labor.

And I've been thinking about that crapfest people call dating. I figure I don't even know what I want out of a relationship with a woman. Sure I wanted an fwb but everytime I went that route I was never 100% comfortable and always walked away with a guilt trip. I been thinking and I think I'm at a point where I realise, I'm not ready for any sort of relationship- I'm too screwed up. I know people who have more/worse issues than me and have an even more hard time in life and yet they still manage to find and date people and find some sort of companionship even if its no permanent, except me, and

I figure its because I lack the one core thing: self-confidence. It's some thing that died in me a long time ago. It functions minimally and fails when I meet people, etc. I'm scared to look at girls much less talk to them. If I make eye contact with them, I look away first thinking I'm totally creeping them out.

On top of that I'm always living in this sort of limbo where I'm stuck in the middle between conforming to others' values and standards on how to live life, work, etc and wanting to just be me and live my own life and not give a f*** what others think.

Sunday, this guy at church (I'll call him "J") was talking to me about the moral policy on sex before marriage. He was happily married and only in his 20's. We were talking about this crap because I was wanting somebody to tell me it's ok to have sex before marriage. But obviously he tells me its a bad idea and he went on to say that breaking up with a gf because guy and girl didn't have sex was a lot less worse than breaking up because bf and gf did have sex. he also said the end of a relationship where the couple didn't screw was less painful than if they did screw while they were dating.

Ok, so I figured, I'm not gonna bother pushing or pursuing dating anyone online for fwb, etc, and I should just live my own life and meet the right girl if she comes along, and I would much rather take it slow, and build a friendship and go from there. When I was younger, that was my original idea, I just wanted a good gf, and when I got dumped for not advancing fast enough I abandoned that core value I had and resorted to the internet and alternate dating contexts. Now I'm trying to revert back to just living my own life and waiting for somebody compatible to come along, and I figure that would be when I'm happy enough to shine a little with positive energy instead of being all depressed (and desperate) all the time and being pushed away like a creep by everyone.

And J said it would be a good idea because he met his wife when he was enjoying being single, and they became friends and so on. But for me, the outlook on 'meeting ms right' on top of my experience of bad gf's, seeing other relationships explode; and society's overall influence on what people expect from relationships has made the whole thing way too over complicated, and honestly don't believe I'll meet someone, and at times I'm scared I'm never going to meet anyone who'd be a potential girlfriend or partner; and that I'm going to end up a lonely old man…or my roomate. (*shudders)

As for no sex before marriage, I'm pissed that moral rule even exists. It's just another piece of bullshit to feel guilty over, But if I date someone again, I'm NOt gonna push it, I'm gonna wait until: We're friends, I really like her, and we're dating and commited, and only when I trust her (and vice versa) deeply, and if my system is creating not a shred of discomfort. It's gonna take me time to mature and change my outlook on marriage (ewww) and relationships and what all that is really supposed to be.

My room mate works full time, comes home and watches TV. He's got no friends, he wants to share his life with a woman but everyone he talks to (without even hitting on them) snubs him.

I'm not dating anyone now but in the future I'd like to not have to get married, especially since marriage seems like a choke chain to me, and when I think about it, It would have to be a girl I really care about, am really good friends with, and love. After my exp of pursuing fwb and trying to meet people online, I'm thinking 'screw it, I'm done. Others seem to have it work perfectly, but me it didnt work.' and I'm on dating sites less and less.

On top of that, I want to learn to like myself and to enjoy the things I do without worry of being compared to others etc, and just work on getting into school. Im in the YMCA youth internship program, and this lady, the facilitator or teacher is trying to get me to not be scared of student loans and just get back into school, and work my way to better paying job opportunities and not have to only work minimum wage bitch labor.

I don't want to go and end up doing something just because I felt guilt or morally pressured by others to do so (ex. my dad wanted me to shut up and just do construction; others told me to just do a trade; I felt compelled at times to sign up and join the army, even though I'm not fit for the army).

Here's what I want to do: Live on my own, like in a bachelor suite, not have room mates because when I'm at home, that's when I don't want to talk to anyone in person (and my room mate Ron keeps trying to get me to talk and listen to him complain about how he has no life).

I want to go back to school, and work my way up to a cartography/GIS/SIS certificate, and eventually a degree, just to open up job opportunities later. Career wise, I'd like to work with maps doing cartography, etc. I'm fighting back the diminishment of my interest in maps triggered from bullying from my stepdad, everything else, etc).

I'm kind of done thinking about this shit, and I miss the time when I wasn't so…tainted from everything I've been through.

omfg i feel like I'm talking out my ass. my confidence just slams shut on me and I get friggin writer's block.