Rusty the dumb rogue

Rusty the dumb rogue

Rusty

Onyxia's Lair, Dustwallow Marsh Zone, Kalimdor

"THE TAIL! WATCH OUT FOR THE TAIL!"
Rusty ran like hell close behind a hunter, eager to jam his dagger in between Onyxia's ribs. The giant dragon roared in fury at the frustration over not being able to destroy the irritating worm in front of her.
The raid leader's voice screeched in his communicator's headset as he tried to steer clear of Onyxia's tail.

"I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this."

"Rusty! Where the hell are you? Get your ass in there and burn this dragon down!" the raid leader screamed into his headset, not that he could hear anything over the earth shaking rumbles and thundering roars.

"Don't screw up, don't screw up, don't screw up, don't screw up-"
Rusty tripped and hit the ground face first.
He scrambled to his feet and tried to hop on his bad ankle, but didn't get more than 5 steps closer before Onyxia swatted him with her giant tail. Being struck by Ony's tail was like a fly being hit by a freshly snapped guitar string.

"Yaaaaaah!" he screamed in agony as he was sent flying. He fell fast and slammed into the huge pile of whelp eggs, cracking a lot of them.
His snapped bones healed together, and he roared in pain as he felt the high voltage surge of some one's chain heal spell hit him in mid air. The energy surged through him even now, but he got up, then froze, realizing he just landed on his ass right in the middle of the egg pile.

"Oooook, I can still get back to them-" he grunted as he stood up-

He heard a symphony of cracking sounds as the eggs began to split apart. The foul vomit-inducing smell of goop assaulted his nose, and he puked violently, ejecting the roast boar he ate before the raid. He looked up and heard the grunts and screeches as nearly a hundred freshly born, and hungry whelps emerged from their shells, took flight, and hovered around him, looking at him curiously, then hungrily.

"Shit, I screwed up," Rusty sighed in frustration and disappointment. He slowly stepped back, and the whelps hovered in closer, with flames crackling from their mouths.
"…nice whelps…nice cute little babies…Onyxia loves you, yes she does, you little….cute…adorable, huggable…plushy baby dragons….." His dumbass attempt to cute-talk them failed, then he completely panicked and ran, pursed by a horde of screeching whelps.

Rusty screamed for all he was worth from the hidden gulch back towards the raid groups.

"What the hell? The Whelps are out!"
"Oh my fucking Light, are you kidding me?"
"Aw, man!"
"Many whelps!" the raid leader shouted, "Handle it!"
"Save me!" Rusty shouted, tripping and falling flat on his face again, but the whelps didn't go after him, they flew after the raid team, drooling over the squishy humans, night elves, draeni… and gnomes. Gnomes were somehow by instinct, a dragon's favorite thing to eat. They squawked eagerly as they swarmed the raid team and chomped their flaming chops into the their bodies.

It was mayhem as the raid team scattered, almost everyone screaming in agony as they were bitten, shredded apart, and burned alive.

"DPS, what the hell's going on! Healers, cover me!" The paladin taking Ony screamed into his radio headset.
Something hit him hard in the head, knocking his helmet clean off and stunning him. He looked up and saw the whelp that knocked him on his ass from behind. Distracted, he was now done, and Onyxia swallowed him and engulfed him with flame as she crushed him in her mouth. None of his fancy bubbles or shield spells could save him. He tried to stay alive but he felt the searing agony as flame and stomach acid instantly dissolved what was left of him.

"Oh snap! The tank is gone! The tank is dead!" shouted a panicking mage. The gnome tried to run for his life but his short stubby legs could only move him so fast. Onyxia swiped with her claws at the rest of them, killing many instantly. Then she took a deep breath, and exhaled a hurricane of fire, instantly flamebroiling and killing everyone. One night elf druid tried to make a break for it but was chopped down by Onyxia's guardians as he tried to exit the main chamber.

Onyxia spread out her wings and roared triumphantly as her brood of whelps feasted on the bodies.

Twisting Nether

"ugh… where am I?" Rusty asked as he opened his eyes and found himself standing before the Spirit Healer, one of thousands of 'angels' that stood over graveyards in the realm of the dead. The land and everything else looked the same, but in the realm of the dead, the sky was a swirling storm with a beam of light in the center.
The Spirit Healer did not respond, but merely pointed in the direction of where his body was. He nodded, and walked off in that direction.

Half an hour later, he stood at the gates of Onyxia's lair. He saw other members of the raid running around in Living form; having just been resurrected. They ignored him and he went inside. He couldn't hear them anyways. When he got to the main chamber, he saw the whelps had eaten what was left of his corpse, and grunted in dismay.

Another half hour later, he was back at the graveyard, trying to fast talk the Spirit Healer.

"I swear…she…the whelps, these little baby dragons ate my corpse. I didn't do anything stupid this time…can you please make me a new one?"

"Idiot human, we've replaced your body more than 60 times this month! Does your existence in flesh mean nothing to you?" she howled at him.

"Heh, you know about all that eh?" Rusty chuckled nervously, "It was blood elf that warlock, I swear, he kept following me, he's the one with the anal shadow bolt fetish not me! He tried to jam them shadowbolts up my ass every chance she got. Hhe followed me for a week straight!" Rusty said, almost crying out loud. "Please…please don't send me to the Nether. I'll do it right this time- at everything. I won't pull anymore trash, I quit those flasks….they were more of an addiction and still didn't help…I'll fight hard and score big on the guild's DPS meter, I'll get everything right, one day, just please just give me another chance!"

The Spirit Healer was unconvinced, "Have you not remembered the countless of suicides, mortal soul?"

"…suicides?, oh those, yeah, uhh, it was Brewfest, and they were having this contest in Stormwind where you jump from the high ledge overlooking the harbor, and the goal was to fall 65 yards and not die-"

"That's your failing. Every other mortal had the common sense to arrange to be resurrected by druids, priests, paladins, warlocks, and engineers! Had you not thought about that, dumbass mortal?"

Rusty was at a loss for words.
"Well, uhh, uh, I asked this warlock for a soul stone-"
"Uh huh, then she immolated you? I was there. That's because you were hitting on her the night before at the tavern!"
"Really? I…don't remember that night…"
"alcohol was never meant to be consumed in the way you humans consume it." the Spirit Healer said.

"And well, I asked the others, I even paid them gold-"
"You can stop trying to fool me, dumbass human soul. You have shown blatant disregard for your physical form and your existance. You've been a fool and and idiot your entire life, and constantly endangering and killing yourself, even more so when you don't like what you do in your life. You got a woman pregnant in Lakeshire killed yourself to avoid being a father, then you changed your name when we resurrected you; You drank yourself to death, you froze yourself to death while high on goldclover powder, and you keep pissing everybody off to the point they kill you on sight.

"Give me one good reason why I should return you to the realm of the Living? And do you have any idea how much strain it is to re-create a body?"

"Please, Spirit, I'll stop screwing around, I swear. I'll get an honest job, I'll go back and train, I'll fix my gear, I'll even stay away from the tavern and stop screwing up. I'll do it, honest"

"Ugh," the Spirit Healer sighed, "You are such a tool, human, you are such a tool. Perhaps you will be better motivated to keep your promise if I deliver your soul to Deathknell?"

"Please Spirit, I don't wanna be a forsaken! Anything but that, please!"

"Why not? you'd die less often, and they'll carry out the strain of reviving you every time you do something stupid-"
"Please Spirit, I don't want to be undead!" Rusty was on his knees, his face lowered to the Spirit Healer's feet, weeping.

"Very well, human. I'll return you to your Living form."

"Really?? You mean it?"

"But heed my words well," the Spirit Healer warned, "For if you get yourself killed again before your time has come, an eternity in the Twisting Nether awaits you! This is your last chance, USE IT WELL!"

Moonbrook, Westfall

There was a bright flash of light, followed by a painful searing wave of magic, and then Rusty felt gravity grasp him and pull him to the surface. Sunlight returned, so did the fresh spring air. Suddenly, he felt extremely nauseous and puked hard, ejecting a blue liquid. Then he began to feel cold and weak. Resurrection sickness was just not fun.

In addition, he found himself on his hands and knees, naked, in the middle of a corn field. all his gear was gone.
He stood up, wobbled and fell on his ass again.

"Ugh, I hate rez sickness," he muttered, and decided to wait for a bit before walking to the nearest town.

For anyone, walking naked into town after being resurrected by a Spirit Healer was damn right embarassing. The feeling of immense vunerability of walking past everyone to the inn. For Rusty, he had done this Walk of Shame more times than he cared to count and was used to the embarassment.

He walked through the cornfield and when he got to the road, he braced himself for the long walk to Moonbrook. It took him an extra second to realize that he was now in Westfall as opposed to the Dustwallow March on the other continent.

Day turned to evening by the time he finally got there. He gave up any thought of sneaking into someone's house or store and just stealing clothes. It was the week of Pilgrim's Bounty, and people in Moonbrook set up a huge market where Westfall's farmers sold their surplus produce.

Years ago, Moonbrook had been a crack town abandoned by the Alliance, and overrun by the Defias Brotherhood, Westfall's criminal gang. After the 4th War, the returning Alliance armies stormed every town and settlement in Westfall and drove out and hunted down the Defias. Moonbrook was rebuilt, repopulated, and became a bustling center of a now prosperous Westfall.

Tired and dejected, Rusty sat under a tree just outside of town, shivering. He heard horses galloping close and saw two guards in shining knights' armor, bearing the tabard of the Alliance- the gold symbol of a lion's head on a blue background. They stopped near him and got off their horses.

"Well, well, what do we have here? 'nother druggie? what you have this time, mate?"
"I'm not high, I got r-resurrection sickness."

The guard and the female guard looked at each other and laughed. For them the sight of Rusty was hilarious.
"Sure, you were, buddy, sure you were!"
"Well, where else could he have gotten the dope?" the female guard asked, "We took out all of the drug dealers. The Defias comes not even close to here."
"Yeah well, looks like this guy had a rough night and he's just coming off of it now, ain't that right, pal?"

Hiding his resentment, Rusty nodded, "I'd like to go to the inn and just…sleep, please."

Rusty found himself in the cell at the county jail. The straw he sat on was hugely uncomfortable and he kept trying to scratch off the bugs that crawled on him. The guards slapped cuffs on him and marched him right through the town square. Everyone laughed at him. It was horrible. It was the 4th time he was resurrected with a new body at the graveyard outside Moonbrook. He recalled not taking his embarrassment too seriously, but this time, he was really feeling down. At times, he was really careless, not having a care in the world about himself or anyone else, and more recently, he tried to do right, and everything came out worse than when he was a mischief driven maniac.

He faced the wall, and kept his eyes closed, and tried not to shiver.

"Hey, buddy," the guard shouted through the bars.
"Yeah?"
"Sheriff Stoutmantle got a real good laugh hearin' about you. There aren't any charges. The innkeeper's here. I'll bring her in." the guard said as he unlocked the door and left. A few minutes later, Susan Hersling, the keeper of Moonbrook's inn, showed up.
"So, what did you do this time?" she asked sternly.
"I wiped a raid."
"You? In a raid? Gosh those raid leaders must've been desperate!"
"It was a guild raid…"
"You? In a guild? Light, what is this world coming to? anyways, put these pants on and let's go. The inn's real busy, and you've got a mountain of dishes to clean!"

"Thanks for the clothes," Rusty said, glad to be covered again, even tho they were old flimsy robes "I-"
"I think we can skip this whole routine, afterall, being brought to the inn is the one thing in your whole life you seem to appreciate is it?"
Rusty nodded, resenting her rhetoric.
"So, tell me about this guild? Who are they and why do they bother to keep you?"
"I never stole from the guild vault," Rusty said, but the old woman chuckled
"Su, I'm serious-"
"What is it that you do that makes them want to put up with you?"
"…I'm a fisherman. I have a Grandmaster fishing license. I fish for the fish, and, somehow since all my life's luck is on fishing, I get a lot, and its half the guild's food supply."
"Well people won't eat raw smelly fish-"
"They cook it."
"What's the name of the guild?"
"I…actually I don't even know. They keep it a secret from me and told me not to wear their tabard-"

"I see," Susan replied, "To keep themselves from embarrassment, and now they let you join a raid, and you got everyone killed-"
"It wasn't my fault, I swear," Rusty protested, "We were fighting Onyxia, and i got hit by her tail and got thrown into the whelp eggs."
"That's even worse than making an idiot move," the woman lamented, "Anyway, here we are, I'll show you to the kitchen."

All night, Rusty was up scraping dishes, pots, and pans clean. The innkeeper left him a plate of left overs when he was done, and she showed him to a spare bed in one of the bedrooms upstairs. His stomach full of hot food, he passed out the second his head hit the pillow. He was glad to sleep, but dreaded the upcoming guild meeting that was scheduled in a few days' time. He knew for sure the raid wipe would come up.
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Creativity spurts FTW