Feels like its my fault

Hi VuTales
Been awhile…like days…thousands of days. Not sure where to begin because I feel like crap. Better than yesterday or a few days ago, but yeah. I feels the need to vent.

Saturday (march 8) I was at this convention called J-Fest. A little one day anime con. I have this epic cosplay I put together. Gilley suit + head piece which i made = epic Minecraft Creeper costume. So on break from volunteering I was walking around in my cosplay, and this comes up and threatens me, saying he’s gonna fuck me up all because his ditzy tool of a girlfriend accused me of stalking her WHICH IS FALSE AND BASELESS. So I was ‘I’m not stalking her, fuck you’ bla bla and I had one hell of an anxiety attack.

I really hate how my system or conscience just loves to bend me over and find me in the alps. take whatever everyone is accusing me of and make me feel guilty if denied the chance to defend myself. And i was really pissed off because I feel like such a pansy. When confrontations like that occur, my system betrays me, and before i can think or act productively, it sends me into a mental tailspin.

So I went to con security and they talked to the guy, giving him a chance to make shit up and tell them how I tried to grope his gf and all this shit. I got all pissed off and shouted back then the security guy told me to go away. I left the con, I was super pissed off at this guy and myself. Then on the way home i had a huge mental meltdown and lapsed into a depression.

I talked to the con staff on the phone and it turns out i might even be banned from the con. All because some dumb girl and her raging metro-sexual douche bf say shit. I hope they’re both buried alive.

Then the next thing hits:
I met this girl, A, and we had been getting real close, like hugging, cuddling, hand holding and kissing. She was already in the process of breaking up with her bf who she didn’t like and it seems I catalyzed that process. I felt bad. Then after she broke up with him, she was no longer satisfied with being friends with me and put the pressure on me to go out with her. So we had a conversation on the phone and discussed the idea of dating, and I said lets just give it time…[something else] and we’ll talk about it again later. That phone chat is still kind of hazy to me now, and then an hour later on FB she is like “Whoo we’re dating!”

I was like oh shit. What if I told her no, we were still talking about it? So I did something stupid; I just let it run. Relationship seemed kind of empty, and I thought, ok, we have a box, we can fill it up. Ususally these things are supposed to start from something small, not big, so I’m told….And I was afraid of upsetting her. Because then I would feel really bad/guilty as if I committed some grave crime. On the upside, I told her not to splatter the news all over FB like a lot of couples do.

That was days before the J-Fest bullshit happened. So not thinking I would lose my shit, I agreed to meet her at the mall, where I was with some bronies (yes, i’m a brony), and yeah, my mind was gone. I feel bad for letting her see me like that. She was caring of course.

So then she tells her mom and her mom was like ‘no, its too soon you only knew him for a month,’ reminding this girl she was not too comfortable with being in a relationship. Neither was I, and we talked about this on the phone, and I said “Ok, since we both feel like we started this too soon, and are not fully comfortable, I think it’s best we scale this back to friends. Do you agree?” And she was like ‘yes.’ She wasn’t too happy about it but I guess since I fucked up by not calling it sooner (like right after that misunderstood phone call), So after this phone call where we broke up, I said we are still friends don’t worry about that, and she seemed fine.

The next morning I saw this on FB

and I felt horribly guilty. So I call my mom who’s like “Stop feeling so fucking bad about shit you never even did!”
I told her about this break-up’ me and the girl had, and she was like ‘omfg what’s to feel so bad? You 2 made a mistake and you corrected it before it got worse. quit overthinking things and let it go,’

Now back to the J-Fest thing: Turns out my incident is gonna come up in a meeting later this month. I asked one of the admins if i could go, and he recommended I get some female staff members who know me to come along. I talked to two of them, and they’re good friends of mine. Not exactly close, but good friends. One said she’d go with me, the other, I’m not sure yet. If I get banned from J-Fest and Anime Evolution conventions, not sure if I’ll even care, because I’m starting to think volunteering at or going to these things is coming to an end. I got what I wanted out of the conventions- a lot of good experiences and so forth, but being an autistic weird person, I think my welcome is worn out.

See what happens there.

All weekend and especially tuesday, I had a bad case of the chills, couldn’t keep warm, was depressed as shit, called my mom, and she was like ‘go see a doc,’ and I did, and the doc’s like ‘Yeah you have strep throat…at least I hope that’s what all that white shit on your throat is. Here’s a prescription, stay home, bundle up..”

So I did, climbed into bed, took the first pill, drank some water and slept on and off.

In other news:
I got Fallout 3 on Steam, but my computer crashes when I play it. I have been playing Pokemon X, and actually figured out how to raise good pokemon. actually Pokemon X got me through my last depression in October.

I got my tower crane trainee certificate in November.

**This just in **
The girl who I was with just messaged me on FB and said ‘I might have found a solution,’ and I feel the anxiety rising and my guilty conscience is gearing up for her to tell me she never wants to see me again. Solution? what solution? Why is there a problem? I thought we solved it already.

screw it

/Endrant