Orchid [Trial Run]

By In Uncategorized

Prologue

The rain falls onto the statue of Adolf Hitler standing outside the Reichstag. Torrents of water drench the brightly-lit plaza of grand Baroque-styled buildings. A light fog creeps low amongst the roofs of the buildings, pale against the darkness of the night sky.

A single soldier dressed in a military outfit with an armband depicting the swastika wrapped around his right arm stands still in front of the Reichstag, an assault rifle cocked at his side. His face is obscured by a military helmet.

The rain pounds on the silent soldier’s shoulders as he patrols the plaza. He swivels his head slightly as he spots a single person approaching him from the street.

Despite the rain, this person is not carrying an umbrella. However, she is dressed in a trench coat and boots, as she stumbles along in a disjointed fashion. Her long brown hair hides her face.

“Halt! Who goes there?” the soldier shouts in German.

The woman comes to a rapid stop, as she comes to a halt directly in front of the soldier. She raises her head, revealing her cold brown eyes, the pupils reflecting the bluish light revealing the entrance to the German Parliament in front of her.

She withdraws her hand from the pocket of her coat, revealing a pistol. She fires once, hitting the soldier directly in the chest. The soldier falls to the ground silently facedown, his blood flowing onto the cobblestone floor as it mixes with the pools of rainwater on the ground.

The woman bursts into a frantic sprint, blowing through the doors into the building in front of her. She enters the main hallway and eventually emerges into a massive circular theatre filled with hundreds of seats.

“What are you doing here?!” another voice rings out in the hall. The woman turns, spotting another soldier standing directly opposite from her in the theatre. His gun is raised, pointed straight at her.

She breaks into a run again, zigzagging to avoid enemy fire. The soldier fires his weapon after her. One of his bullets pierces her on the side, scraping her left arm. The woman grabs her arm as blood rushes out, but continues running into another adjacent hallway.

The soldier reaches into his pocket, withdrawing a radio. “Alert, alert! Intruder in the Imperial Plaza! She is currently inside the Reichstag.”

The soldier lowers his radio and breaks into a run after the woman.

Meanwhile, the woman continues frantically sprinting down the hallway she’d chosen, portraits of past German aristocrats and politicians flying past her in a blur. However, the woman comes to a stop. She turns away from the dead end. A door stands to her right, which she rushes immediately. She grabs the doorknob, but finds it locked. She shakes it desperately.

Footsteps sound just ahead of the woman. The soldier from before arrives in front of her, panting slightly, gun raised. “Who are you and what are you doing in here?” the soldier asks in a demanding tone.

“Long live Democracy!” the woman shrieks in German.

She retrieves from within her jacket a homemade bomb. The soldier takes a step back in surprise. The woman attaches it to the wall, her eyes bulging maniacally. She pounds the bomb with her fist, activating the trigger.

The soldier lowers his weapon. “Shi—”

Across the street, a huddle of German politicians sits inside a massive Baroque theatre, watching an opera. Gathered within the theatre are dozens of German aristocrats, dignitaries, and politicians. Among the group of politicians sits a young man, richly robed in a military-style uniform. He is surrounded by a number of finely dressed accomplices, in addition to a number of bodyguards.

Without warning, the lights go out suddenly in the opera theatre. A unified gasp of surprise emerges from the audience. Suddenly, the flash of gunfire illuminates the theatre. The audience ducks in response, a murmur of panic and confusion now buzzing among them.

A loud explosion sounds to the right of the theatre. A plume of smoke and fire rises into the air, as flashes of light from firing weapons continue to light the auditorium.

“Prince!” one of the bodyguards shouts in German to the young man. He holds an arm out in front of the young man, shielding him. “You must escape!”

The prince rises to his feet, surveying the scene with his stern blue eyes underneath a mat of fine golden hair. “Very well,” he answers in German as well.

The prince turns to leave with his company, but another explosion rocks the auditorium directly in front of their path. A bloodied and severely burned man emerges from the chaos and smoke, carrying a pistol in his hands.

“Long live Democracy!” he shouts hysterically, raising the gun and pointing it at the prince. A gunshot sounds.

The terrorist collapses to the floor, blood spewing forth from the bullet wound on his forehead. One of the prince’s bodyguards lowers his gun. “Please leave, my prince!”

The German soldier hurries forward into the commotion outside, dragging a woman behind him by the wrist. He shoves her forth into a group of soldiers assembled outside.

“This one tried to blow up the Reichstag!” he spits.

“Defy the Empire, will you?” another soldier howls into the woman’s face. “Who put you up to this? I bet it was those dirty British scum!”

“Long live Democracy!” the woman shouts, suddenly wrenching herself free from the hold of the soldiers. She manages to wrest an assault rifle away from one of the shoulders, and raises it.

The other soldiers raise their weapons as well, pointing them directly at her. But the woman turns the rifle towards herself, and without another word, fires at herself.

Her body collapses to the floor even as the rain continues to fall from the pitch-black sky. Her blood mixes with the water from the rain, draining into the gutter of the street.

Her cold brown eyes slowly close as she dies. First the light fades from the pupil in her left eye, and finally, at last, the light disappears from the two pupils in her right eye.

2 Comments

FunnyFroggy 12 December 2010 Reply
ARF said: The woman comes to a rapid stop, as she comes to a halt directly in front of the soldier.

I feel like that’s a bit redundant. An alternative: “The woman comes to a rapid stop, halting directly in front of the soldier.”

Also, you should have some variety in starting your sentences to avoid beginning with “The” and “She” so much. Maybe throw in some figurative language too, to keep the story interesting. Use what people call “brushstrokes”.

For example:

ARF said: She withdraws her hand from the pocket of her coat, revealing a pistol. She fires once, hitting the soldier directly in the chest. The soldier falls to the ground silently facedown, his blood flowing onto the cobblestone floor as it mixes with the pools of rainwater on the ground.

From within the pockets of her coat, she produces a pistol, a rusty Luger, but still in excellent working condition. She fires a single bullet, hitting the soldier directly in the chest. Toppling forward, the guard smashes into the cobblestones, now stained with a brackish mixture of muddy rainwater and fresh blood.

Now don’t you think that’s a bit more exciting? If you can’t use different words to begin with, at least alternate each sentence. A participle here, an article there.
There’s also something else about this whole piece, that I just can’t quite grasp. But it’s just a minor annoyance, so..WHATEVS!

Overall, nicely done. Just add some more details to really let the audience see what you’re writing, you might just land yourself an agent. That is, if you wanted one.

AznRiceFan 13 December 2010 Reply

Good tips, Froggy. I noticed the first one, but I was too lazy to fix it. Actually, I’ve known about the second one too for a while now… Nonetheless, it helps to be reminded. I’m still a little bit rusty as I haven’t really written extensively for two years now. When all you write is nothing but academic essays…your writing gets a little basic. But that’s not a good excuse.

And I’m not quite ready to go agent hunting yet. I’m just looking for some good feedback for my work. So keep it coming.

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