I can't bear the thought

Some people long for a "new start."
Some people want to move far, far away.

I can't bear the thought. I'm going to be attending Brandeis University in Waltham, MA.

Waltham, MA -> New Orleans, LA – 1 day and 1 hour

I'm going to be 1 day and an hour away from my family. The people who I've spent my last 17 years living with. The people who've given me all they've got and more. The people who invested so much in my future. The people I love. I can't bear it. I won't be able to bear it. How am I supposed to just abandon what will likely be 1/4th of my entire life? I'll be in a state of constant longing for home. Longing for those I love. Longing for my friends. Those friends who stick with me regardless of my constant jokes at their expense. The ones who may have even come to enjoy the jokes.

Waltham, MA -> Birmingham, AL – 19 Hours and 44 Minutes

I'm going to be 19 hours away from the girl I love. I know I love her. I've never felt this way (genuinely) about another girl and she really is everything I dreamed I'd have as a teeny bopper. When we met last summer (We dated back then too. Broke up when school started and now we're back together. Summer romance sort of thing) I was sure I love her. We broke up because she felt as if the romance was dead and we no longer felt the same way about each other. Coincidently, she began to talk to me around the same time as last year and we're back together and have been together, happily, for a little while. (Obviously not long) In any case, I was in love with her then and I'm in love with her now. Another thing that sets this relationship apart is that I've yet to fuck this girl. She accepts that I've begun to associate sex with negative experiences and she's held off, with a certain amount of coaxing.

Now, when we began dating, she said that she doesn't think it will work out because of our obvious differences. She said that it was just what she wanted then and she's not going to be quick to get attached. This sure did throw me for a loop. Now, you ask why I've stayed with her even after this obvious conflict of interests? It was a conversation we had. About a dog, oddly enough.

"You love me more than Junior(her dog), right?" I asked.
"Heh, I love you both the same!" she replied.
"Well, I guess that's good! You've never told me you loved me!" I said.
"Well, I thought it would be creepy. We haven't been together very long. I've actually had to stop myself from saying it a few times. I'm waiting for the right time." she said back.

Now, that may not seem like much but it's hope. There's hope that she'll love me and there's hope that she'll give up the belief that nothing lasts forever. She'll make me the exception to that rule. She'll want to be with me forever.

Me, being the pussy I am, can't bear the thought of being without her. She even broke up with me and I still want her. That's saying something. I mean, we're together now. That was a while ago. Anyway, when she did break up with me, I was alone. It was 1 in the morning. I was lying there in bed on the phone. I cried. Fucking right, I cried. It was painful. Extremely painful. I could work through the pain on a good day though, hopefully it's a good day when she breaks up with me. I know she will. She definitely will. I don't have enough time.

Maybe I should check my biorhythms and break up with her when I'm on an emotional high? Sounds like a plan. (Kidding)

In any case, this blog has gone from me whining about losing everything to whining about a girl. Sorry. In any case, I'm leaving everything. Everything I've held dear. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to cope? I've been told that college will throw me into a moral mudslide. Everything I've once believed in will no longer apply and I'll be just another college kid. I can't be in that kind of environment by myself and expect to retain my moral integrity, can I? I suppose that's the least of my worries.

I just can't bear the thought of being alone.

Oh well, Arly, I hope you enjoyed my no-content blog packed with useless information about my life. That's what you get for not wanting to play Halo with me, jerk.