How do you allow yourself to become less than what you should be? I’ve spent the last month turning into someone I don’t want to be, someone I dislike. How do you let yourself get to a point in a relationship where you totally ignore the changes occurring in your partner.
I feel like I’m spiraling. (Forgive the sadness and angst) Every day is a carbon copy of the last, sometimes with the added work, or extra class or a new type of lunchable at the store. Sometimes I grab tea even though I know I’m not supposed to. Some days I eat dinner with a few positive friends, though only for a few minutes before I rush off to work, or the hospital, or to sleep, or to play the same old games I have been for the entire semester. I feel like everything has become a blur and life is moving at a snails pace. Dichotomous, I know. So slow yet so hard to remember. Monotony is the world I think I like to use to describe it.
That’s not the end of it. Today, I realized for the first time: I’m going to grow up. I’m going to have a wife. Though right now, I live with a few friends in a nice home, it’s still just an independent self-centered existence. I’ll have to provide for another person. Or even more than that.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going insane. Every thought I have is negative. Every daydream deadly. Every consideration clandestine. I no longer speak to my girlfriend as much as I should and when I do, it’s a negative thought. Tonight, I had a long talk with her. I spilled my heart out. I told her everything I’m saying now. And her response was “you’re in a funk, it happens to everyone.” It feels like forever; it feels like I’m stuck here. She offers no advice. No comfort. She simply tears me down and demeans my thoughts, even the deepest and most concerning of them.
I feel terrible. I feel like every thought I have is evil incarnate. I think negative thoughts. I think about everyone I’m disappointing. About everyone I’m bound to hurt. I want to be alone. I want to not care. I want to allow myself to give up, though I know I never will. I can tell her how I hate what I’ve done and who I am and she’ll reply “You’re great, and confidence is sexy.” And I’ll sit there, awe-struck, wishing she had said more. Wishing she understood fully what I’m trying to tell her and understand its scope.
I can’t think straight. I need to go to sleep. I need a new day. One where I can feel good about myself and who I’ve become. One without the pressure. One without her judgments, however silent they may be. I want to feel adequate. I want to feel as if my efforts matter to anyone. I want a family who loves me unconditionally, not condescendingly.
🙁
2 Comments
You have friends, a girlfriend, family, and us. You’ve more than I could possibly have. Your thoughts are not evil incarnate (though I’m sure I may think of some ideas), they are merely broodlings.
Do not fail yourself to others. Open up the pains that plague you, seek the high grounds of morals. There is no such thing as a monotonous day, merely one that is slowing down. Every day brings forth its own challenges.
Do not deny your own significance, for if your saddened thoughts affect those around you, then that should be the greatest sign of your importance in your life, in the life of others. The fact that I am responding shows that you are powerful in your own right.
Perhaps your girlfriend was not demeaning you in that statement. Yes, these are dark times for you, but they may very well be the same kinds of dark times that people feel in their epiphanies. I probably never passed that phase, but you have infinitely more capacity than I do, I am certain.
People understand that what you are going through is a tricky phase, one that is littered with mines and traps. You and your girlfriend are still young; she may know what you’re talking about, or she may not. Whichever the case, there is a certain naivety that must be considered when treading dark waters. Perhaps she fears that she may hurt you further with her advice; perhaps she does not know the answer to your dilemma. But do not fret because someone else does not have all of the answers. After all, life is finding those answers on your own accord.
Thanks Darkness, I really do appreciate the kinds words. I just wish I could believe but hey, everything worth being or having requires work.