The first one.

I’ve become accustomed to sleeping late during the summer. Most nights I stay awake until 4 or so. A lot of those nights are spent gaming.

But it’s the ones that aren’t that are interesting.

As everyone is asleep, I am free to pace around the house, often looking for food and then sitting down in the dark to consume it. Almost nothing is visible. Almost nothing can be heard.
It’s the perfect time to think. About everything.

This night is particularly beautiful. From the kitchen window, I can see the moon shining brightly and fully above. Maybe it inspired me to finally write a blog on this site.

Anonymity is a peculiar thing. It allows people to say things that they would not normally say in front of others. Often, this includes insults and criticisms. In my case, it’s just everything about myself. I generally don’t open myself to others; I’ve found no reason to do so. That’s not who my friends and family know me to be. I would be out of character, so to speak. Besides ,there isn’t anyone that I’d be willing to discuss these things with. Nor would anyone be particularly interested, or so I would think. That includes you, the current reader. I suppose, even if no one reads this blog, that my mind would be at ease knowing that this exists somewhere and that I’ve potentially shared this with… someone.

Normally, at this time, I would probably playing some kind of game. For the last few days in particular, it was Plants vs Zombies 2. Not a particularly amazing game compared to the first, but a good time waster… “Time waster,”… huh. It was on this gameless night, that I began to wonder as to why I even game. I divided the reasons into many parts: sometimes it was due to alluring and unique gameplay, Other times it was due to a captivating story and intriguing art style, or maybe there was fun to be had when playing online or offline multilayer with friends.

The last reason, which I didn’t fully understand myself, was due to being bored, and having nothing else to do.
But in reality, there is always something else that I could be doing. This was a particular concern because a lot of this summer was devoted to gaming. At some point, it stopped becoming “gaming for fun,” and became “gaming just cause.”

I never had this sentiment about gaming before in my many years of life, mostly because I never really thought about it. Maybe I was beginning to think more because the start of university, something foreign and daunting, was so close. And I was not prepared at all, physically and mentally.

Or maybe, gaming was beginning to outgrow its purpose. Not the fun gameplay, story, and artistic elements of it. But rather the parts where it gave me a way to escape reality. I wouldn’t have to think or care about the things that where happening, or things I felt. Perhaps one of more unique uses for gaming was that it distracted me from exploring any sexual impulses that stemmed from myself. It’s not to say I’ve never given in to the urge to look up hentai or pornographic videos, but I can proudly (or shamefully, depending on how you at it) kept it to a minimum. And when I say minimum, I really do mean it. In terms of the number of times I’ve actually jerked off, it’s probably close to that of a religious zealot. I was too preoccupied with gaming to care.

I also had many crushes throughout my life. Not a surprise, it’s only natural. Number of girlfriends? A shameful 0. I told myself that crushes were just a quick phase thing due to hormones. I was able to push this all aside in my head simply by gaming. The more time I spent gaming, the less I would have to think about what I felt. And it worked. To this date, I can’t decide whether what I did was foolish, or not. Chances and opportunities had come and gone. A common argument I used for myself was that not pursuing anyone allowed me to focus on my education and whatnot. A terrible hypocrite I was, for the time was all used to game.

But then I no longer understood why I was limiting myself and gaming senselessly. Initially, I kind of regretted all the missing time. It was time that I could have spent better. But one of my philosophies was that every mistake shapes the person that I am today, there are lesson to be learned so I shouldn’t regret anything.

So then, the next question was, who am I?

I had never really given it much of a thought. I would always struggle on personal information sheets that asked me to describe myself. I didn’t really know much about myself. Hobbies? Gaming came right off the bat. Other hobbies? That would require some substantial thinking. What kind of person was I? I guess I’m the kind that likes releasing his mind to anonymously to strangers. What did I want to do with my life? What was I living to do?

Many questions but no conclusions. Maybe it was better to just keep playing games. That way, I would have less concerns and less to think about.
Or maybe it was finally time to move on and try something different. I liked giving myself time to sit down and think. It gave me insight to myself and what I wanted.
I won’t give up gaming. But I guess I’ll stop doing it so mindlessly.

The moon is no longer visible. I shall eagerly anticipate its return. There are still things that i want to think about, that I would never mention to anyone else. And of course there’s always the question about life to think about.
But first, one last game of Plants vs Zombies 2. The damn game is addicting.