Despondency and Cataclysm.

I've been feeling, slightly suicidal.
Let me explain.

I am 5'10".
I am 17 years old.
I have died before.
I've been in love.
I have an incurable disease.
One of these is wrong.

Initial Boot

I started Grade 12 in September, like normal children do. I had recently lost a relationship with a really sweet girl named Nisa. Since her parents are brown, she was not allowed to date, but she sneaked it with me anyways.
That didn't work out. Her aunt found out through our Facebook supposedly, and basically threatened and blackmailed Nisa, saying if she didn't dump me, she'd be rattled to her parents.
Naturally, I didn't want this. So I ended it. She lost her MSN, her Facebook, and she couldn't work any longer (She used to work at the swimming pool with me as a swimming instructor/lifeguard, that's how we met. We had both taken the Water Safety Instructor's course).

I was, of, course, destroyed. I loved Nisa a lot, she was incredibly nice and an astonishingly fun person to talk to.
I had, however, managed to move on, scarcely. Scarred as I may be, I entered Grade 12 with fresh hopes and a sense of gradeur.

My first day involved making a kid push a nickel across the floor with his nose and then giving him $5 as a gift. And hugging everyone I saw.

Fast-Forwarding..

Early October. Grade 12 involves a lot of what we call "University recruitment", where representatives from different universities arrive at our school on different dates and implore into us how much their school rocks. We attend for the free stuff, the general information, and the lulz.

That's the day I saw her. Valerie Calvano. I was leaving the UofT presentation (ask Gujju if you don't know) and was walking alone in the halls back to my class. Alone, or so I thought.

"Heya. What's up?" Those were the first words she said to me. I turned, and witnessed one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met. She was short, brunette, hazel eyes and dressed like a Italian, rate her 9.6/10, do a number 3, her hair was medium and wavy, her hands small, her mouth made into cute pout lips.
I processed all this before I said anything. It took about 2 seconds.
(The males on this site, particularly the younger ones, this skill of processing a girl in the matter of seconds will grow naturally upon you. Do not feel saddened, it may take a few weeks or sometimes a few years.)
"Nothing much, bored of life, as per usual. You?"
I doubt she expected a question in return. "Oh, same."
We continued down the hall. I realized she had Advanced Functions with me, first period, Ms. Moran (who also happened to be my History teacher).

Fast-Forwarding..

October 31, Halloween. I'm dress in a black trenchcoat, black Fedora hat, dress pants, and boots. You can try to guess who I am.
In line during Math class, waiting for my free cupcake. And I happen to hear one of the cutest and most high-pitched laughs ever. I turn, and see nothing. I look down slightly, and I see an impeccable, perfect, adorable face staring up at me, painted in three stripes, red, white, and green. I smile at Valerie, she makes an awkward smile back and her friend laughs. I'll never forget seeing that face looking up at me, such curiosity, such innocence.

..Subconscious Disjointing..

Her face was a flawless diamond. Her eyes changed with the seasons, green one day, brown the next. Her hair artistically framed her head like the gold leaf on the shining roof of the Taj Mahal. Hey mouth, small, put-out, and smling.

Oh, how I want to smash that face in.

Revisiting Memory..3..2..1..

December 18. The first email. Before this time, in the last few months, rumours had been flying around of Supriya, one of my closest female friends, wanted to date me or ask me to prom. Valerie, both wanting to sex me, and something about her hating me. A rumour about a broken vending machine caused by a scuffle over a black hat, a rumor of me dating Kristy…

..Subconscious Disjointing..

My group had met Kristy through Jim, on November 13, 2008. She was a bouncy sort, cheerful, slightly shorter then me, brunnette. She loved to hold held with anyone. Both me and Jim had a crush on her at the same time for a little while, but we got over it, and over her. She's my best friend, my benefactor, and the one I can finally understand girls because of.

Revisiting Memory..1..

I email Val, asking her how everything was, etc. She replied back ,3 times, telling me she wants to talk, she hates rumours, I hope we can still talk and be friends, etc.

This continues for quite a long time, almost up to March. The last tally I checked was 1600 emails incoming and about the same outgoing between me and her. We once reached over 100 emails in a day.

Searching Archive..

Date: Mon, 9 Feb 2009 15:19:58 -0800
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: shoot!
To: [email protected]

haha xP awwww 🙂
u would be able too, im just saying.. your my bear so
i'd be able to hug and kiss u anytime :D:D

Valérie Calvano xxx soccer xxx
MY TEDDY <3

Leaving Archieve..

She loved me. I loved her. We had an odd relationship. Since her parents were also against the ideal of dating (I get the worst bloody luck.) and her brother goes to the same school, we couldn't literally act like we were dating in public. He brother would tattle, apparently. David C. is in Grade 13, short like his sister, a little built, kinda cute.

But she would come over, and her lips tasted like sweet, delicious strawberries.

..Subconscious Disjointing..

"I have to go." Val declares, trying to get up.
"5 more minutes." I say back, pulling her back on me.
We are in her car, a Mercedes Benz, one of many that her rich dad owns. It is 7:25 pm, the roads are dark. We are parked 20 meters away from my house. She came over after I texted her asking her if she was busy.
"You said that 10 minutes ago!" She pouted. I kissed her.
"Yes, well, you decided not to leave, and so you're window has passed. Too bad." I moved my fingers lower.
"PIR! I'm going to get in trouble!" She gets back up, smiling. I just watch her and she stands up (as much as possible in a car), and zips me up. She moves a seat over into the driver's chair. I crank the passenger seat back up as I lie on it. She looks at me, anxious. I kiss her again, quickly, and jump out of the car. I run back to my house, looking back as she throws me my Pop Rocks (we were experimenting) and drives off, Akon blasting.

Revisiting Memory..7..6..5..4..3..2..1..

Then, Troy.
Troy Reddington, I have known this kid since grade 9. He's a skater, white, almost my height, skater bowl hair, a pimple face. He is known for his on-off relationship with Katelyn Lees and his depression, yet funny demeanor.
Troy and Val met around the time we stoppepd emailing and started to text and call more often. He was sitting at the lunch table across from us, in a heated discussion with Katelyn. Me, my group, and Val are sitting at our norm, playing cards. She sees him and tell me, "I'm going to text him."
"Alright."
She pulls out her phone and texts "HEY BABY BABY" (in reference to the famous Italian party song). He replies saying how he was so depressed and how that text cheered him up instantly.

From there, the problems arose.

Me and Val always had this little argument about us being 'just friends'. She insisted upon it, started from around end of Febuary. She said friend were easier to keep a relationship with. This was, ironically, the day my friend Kim finds out that David didn't care if "Val and Troy dating, it's not my business". He assumed they were dating after seeing them go out to lunch one day. (Strike 1. She ditched our plans of Math for lunch with Troy.) After I found out, I asked her. She said she knew from yesterday, and then she started saying "Let's be friends, this is so hard" etc. I went along with it, because I was happy at that moment just being with her and talking to her. She gave me the signal that she wasn't ready for a relationship yet, until she was free from her parents. So I had some sort of chance, right?

..Subconscious Disjointing..

April 03. Facebook. Val Cal and Troy Reddington are now In A Relationship.[/i
You f***ing hypocrite.

[i]Revisiting Memory..3..2..1..

Valerie and Troy begin to hang out more and more, Val's text were now 50% made of "Troy did this" or "Troy and me, we laughed because he said" etc. They'd go out to lunch, they'd hang after-school, he even went over to her house.

"You aren't allowed to come over though, hun, my parents won't allow it ever."

Strike bloody 2.

Our relationship cracked. We never emailed, our texts were bland and empty, she never called.

"Don't call, my parents will find out who's calling and get suspicious.
"Oh, Troy called me a few minutes ago. He's lonely and sad."

Strike 3.

At this point I'm beginning ot lose faith. Me and Val began to argue over smiple thing, ending in me always apologizing my head off. I didn't get to see her much, I'd walk her to class but she always had plans with Troy.

One day, before she left to her 1 week vacation to Las Vegas for the March Break, we were alone. Up in a science room, she wanted to say a bye. We were folling around. I was hugging her from behind as she read a Physics textbook. I kissed her, for 5 seconds, before we heard a noise and stopped. It turned out to be a black girl singing down the hall.

She leaves. I leave for my vacation to the Dominican Republic. I get dark, it was amazingly fun, I broke my glass and drove a dune buggy, food isn't great.

I come back, and we have a birthday to get to. She's not home yet.

..Subconscious Disjointing..

'Hey, love. I missed you so much! Text me when you can! ~Pir <3'
'omg im so fucken pissed right now!'

**…**

'no, you fuck, you don't get it! david doing it on purpose!'

Revisiting Memory..3..2..1..

**That night, David Calvano was hanging out with Katelyn Lees, getting high and drunk. They were texting Troy, Troy was texting Val, Val was snapping on me. I was trying to comfort her, I was standing in the f**king cold all night, outside the birthday banquet hall, trying to calm her down. She swears at me, she snaps, but I try to be calm. I'm freaking out inside. I call Sam DeSilva, my ex ex, and confide to her all my problems We start to talk, just when Val tells me Troy called her, while her dad was there, and he didn't care.**

That night, I knew, I had to be done with this bitch.

I confronted Val and Troy separately, found out that they did in fact like each other. Rumours flew like planes. Val hated me for "getting mad and Troy and breaking my heart." Supriya and Kristy were my shoulder to cry on. Supriya begins to tell me how much Val lied, played me, bitched to her, and so much more.

Valerie was one of the wrost people I've ever heard of in my life.

..Subconscious Disjointing..

"You liked me, Supriya?" I asked, sitting in the tech hall beside her. "When I was talking to you about Val? When I was so falling for her and I was telling you all my feelings?"
"Yes, Pirithivi. I don't know how. It was really hard for me. But I was Val's first friend when she came to this school in October, so I felt for her too. I knew she had liked you at one point. Now, I'm not sure at all. She's lied to me, she hates me, and you. She's the enemy, Pir. She played you like a game."

Revisiting Memory..5..4..3..2..1..

Ending Boot..

Val destroyed me, completely. I lost faith in everything. I began to really see what humans were like. If I trusted Val so much, and she treated me like this and turned out to be so god damn BAD, how could I trust anyone else?
That's when the dreams started. I began to have dreams of apocaplypes, of the world imploding, of planets colliding, of zombies, and incurable viruses, and insect infestations, and Armageddons. Of meteors, and exploding building, and tripods. I woke up with a fresh feel of sweat on my forehead every night.
I began to lose faith in humanity. In my World Issues class (which I have with that bitch, ironically), I was introducing to a slew of national crises that nobody was doing anything about.
I started to wonder if there was a point in continuing. I was losing my mind, literally. I didn't help that I was trying to look for a way to forget Val (because I still think about her 24/7) and I attempted to hold onto other girls. Kristy, namely. I liked her before, and all those feelings bubbled up again. I told her, and she had just broken up with her 2 year boyfriend. 3 days later, she finds Mark. They are now dating.

I'm ranting, yes. I needed to get these feelings out. I don't know what in the world to do with myself. Valerie broke me. I need someone to fix the pieces.

I love you all.
~Pir <3