i need a happy place.

well things have been quite handy dandy, in case you guys were wondering. nothing too out of the ordinary, I’ve been keeping up with my studies and going out with friends: nothing special. sorry I haven’t blogged in a long time, I still lurk here. xD

I just want to release something, and I’m not one of those people who’ll do it on tumblr/fb for attention so… I guess I’ll let it go here since none of you know me in real life?

so let me start from the beginning. I’ve known this girl named Carmela for quite some time now. I knew her last year when I took chem with her, and I’ve always talked to her often. I’ve always thought she was adorable, and there’s no doubt she has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. (YEP YEP EVEN THOUGH SHE’S ASIAN.) I liked talking to her, she was very unique in the sense that she always made me smile. (no girl can successfully make me do that a LOT.)

we were both in relationships last year so I refused to let myself get attached to her and I kind of just distanced myself from her. I failed. I would always end up video chatting her until 3 in the morning and we would talk on the phone often too. I’m very ashamed to say that I had developed a little crush on her during the course of my long term relationship. As hard as it was I had managed to successfully suppress any feelings I had for her. we talked often I guess, but our timing was erratic. we wouldn’t talk to each other for weeks then all of a sudden start talking again. it was really weird, and I was confused half the time.

My ex and I eventually broke up. (not because of carmela.) we went our separate ways approximately april of this year. coincidentally she broke up with her ex too. It was not until the summer had passed and a couple of weeks ago that I had uncovered my repressed feelings for her again. why? all because of one little thing.

I was at a party when my friends from out of town asked me to bring girls to the party. I had no intention of actually bringing any girls for them to hit on. I was feeling brave at the time, so I texted Carmela out of nowhere asking if she wanted to come. mind you I haven’t talked to her for MONTHS. it was rather random. nonetheless, she worried that she would be alone, but I assured her I’d accompany her the entire time and it took very little to convince her to come. alas, we met at the park.

we wound up stopping by the party for a brief introduction, but I ended up walking around town with her for the rest of the night. we had a fun time. I found out a bit about her I didn’t know. she was acting really cute too. she has this little penguin skedaddle she does whenever she runs and I think it’s the cutest and funniest thing ever.

anyways, it wasn’t until a couple of hours later till we said our goodbyes. I smiled and waved, knowing a hug would only make me want more. however, she extended her arms. obliging, I put my arms around her too. it was disappointing; it was an awkward friend hug.

I wanted to ask her out soooo badly on the spot. but doubt was slowly consuming me, eating at me. fear and cowardice was taking over, and I merely said “bye” and we walked our separate ways.

half a block down, something started to nag at me.

you sad sack of shit. you couldn’t even ask her out.

I shook my head, trying to rid this voice.

GO! you’ve gotten all this way, and you have nothing to lose. who cares?! the sooner you get rejected the faster you can get over it and move on. GO!

I grit my teeth and shut my eyes. turning around, I sprinted all the way back to where we separated and even further to catch up with her. luckily I wasn’t out of breath.

“eyyy, can I talk to you for a sec?” I ask rather nervously.

she nodded. I could tell at this point she already knew what I was going to ask. was I that transparent?

“euh..” I stumbled, “well… there’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just come out with it. do you want to go out with me?”

she cupped her hands over her face. my heart skipped a beat momentarily.

“nooooo sorry!!” she says, “I’m going through stuff right now and I’m in no position to be in a relationship.. otherwise I would.. i’m sorry!”

excuses.. you can just tell me that you don’t like me.. just tell me the truth.

I smile.

“it’s fine! I was just interested in you, that’s all. welp, alright then I guess I better get going!”

I wave goodbye, and head once again another way.

It was worth a try, and I think I always knew the answer of rejection deep within myself. I walked back to my party and tried forgetting the whole thing. my friends made it easy.. at least for the night.

skip to the following week on wednesday.

school had just ended, and I was getting ready to leave until I bumped into one of carm’s friends.

“yoooo what’s good?”

something didn’t seem right. she harbored a worried expression and seemed concerned.

it turned out that carm had fainted and had to go home. I wanted to visit her, but I felt awkward and unwanted. ultimately, I didn’t visit her right after school because of my insecurities.

however, I texted her making sure she was alright. after confirming she was alright and well, I started to joke around asking her what I would do if I got her flowers. she said not to, which only fed into my defiance. I felt more comfortable visiting her from our conversation, so I went to the closest flower shop and got her 3 roses with the works. (I only had $20, ok) it was actually raining that day, so it kinda sucked that I had to take all that water like champ.

I get to her house, and I ring the doorbell. I wait a good minute before I think about resigning.

“eh..”

Her mom answers the door. She looks at me, then the flowers.

“yes?”

“oh!” suddenly realizing myself, “yeah I got these for carmela.” I hold the flowers out. “I heard she fainted and I just wanted to pop by and give this to her. can you pass these to her for me?”

her mom takes the flowers and smiles, it doesn’t seem like she knew much english.

“yes yes yes!” is all she says.

“thanks!”

feeling a little disappointed that I couldn’t give it to her in person, I start to walk away and I get to the sidewalk before carm’s friend yells,

“yooo! she’s here, come back!”

I see her on the front steps. I’m really nervous at this point, because I hadn’t talked to her since that night of rejection. I go up to her.

“eyyyyy, you alright?” (I realize I say eyyy a lot)

she seems really happy from the flowers.

“yes oh my god thank you! I appreciate it soooo much!” she throws me a hug, one that isn’t as awkward as our first one but still pretty shameful to be honest. “seriously, I didn’t think you’d do it! thank you!!”

I didn’t want to bother her any longer.

“yeah yeah,” I say as I smile and shake her thanks off playfully. “it’s no big deal. listen, I have to go somewhere, so I’ll talk to you later alright?” even as I was saying it it sounded like a horrible excuse.

I smiled, waved, and dipped. I didn’t turn back.

this halloween late at night I get a text from carm’s friend asking if I wanted to go trick or treating with them. I was already helping my parents out at home, so I wasn’t able to go. I asked her why she wanted me to come in the first place. apparently carmela wanted me to go.

at this point my mind is completely fucked right now. I’m so confused. does she like me? is she interested me? if so why did she deny me? is this a prank? does she feel bad for me? whaaa??!

I try to dig answers out of her friend, which I successfully manage at doing.

this is exactly what her friend said:

“Finee. Im more than sure she likes you smart one! She doesn’t like anyone else. She told me herself that she likes you. Word for word.”

I don’t believe it. I refused it. As happy as it made me, I wouldn’t actually believe it until she told me herself. I ask her how long she’s been interested in me, and apparently it’s been months.

so many questions are spiraling in my head right now. why did she reject me then? how come she doesn’t show interest? is she just toying with me?

after getting a word in with carm, I end up spending the majority of this week together with her. I got a chance to take a look into her house. we played Just Dance, (and when I say that I mean carm and I watched her friends play Just Dance) went on chat roulette, and took down her halloween decorations. mind you I wasn’t supposed to know her “supposed” interest in me, so I’m just playing it safe here. it kind of makes me feel weak that I only approach her when I find out that she may like me, instead of trying to spend time MAKING her like me.

nonetheless, the week goes by until this Thursday where I walk her home.
out of the blue, I ask her if she likes me.
surprisingly, she flat out admits it.
I ask her why she rejected me.
she says she doesn’t know herself.
then I bring up the idea that maybe she doesn’t like me enough.
she says that’s not it.

now I’m confused as fuck, and I’m standing in a place where I feel both happy and sad. I feel great that she has interest in me, but sad that she doesn’t feel confident enough to go out with me. I wonder if it was a trust issue with her ex, or if she doesn’t want to commit. I’m pretty sure it’s neither, and I think she just doesn’t like me enough, despite what she says.

anyways, today’s saturday morning and she said she was too busy to hang out yesterday.

I’m left on this string, wondering.

I feel really miserable right now, and confused.

….what do I do?