Tired

*sigh* This sucks guys.

I’m really tired of being sick, and I’m blowing (no homo) my chances at going to a good college.

You see, lately my asthma has been acting up, as I’m sure I’ve previously mention.

Only the trick is, it wasn’t asthma, turns out it was just anxiety. I’m guessing my asthma medication ( One of the side-effects is anxiety) really just made it worse, since I took it for like a week straight before being re-diagnosed.

I get panic attacks everyday and those are never fun. And they come anytime,anywhere.
I know panic attacks are caused by my mind, it’s all in my head, and that I should refrain from thinking those thoughts…But it’s harder than it looks.
Everywhere I go,there’s something that “scares” me.

I go to school, I have to worry about my exams (more on this later),paying attention and then for some reason, the thought of talking to people “scares” me now. Which is weird because I’ve always loved to talk to people. I joined Drama because I liked to preform. Now when I go up, everyone is expecting a good performance, and I just freeze up and fuck everything up.

I go home, more problems. My mom yells a lot. For no reason sometimes too. She can just be like “WHO FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE LIGHT?” Like calm down, just turn it off, it’s no big deal. So I guess loud noises “scare” me.
My closet “scares” me. I used to not give a shit whether it’s open or closed when I go to sleep. But now when it’s open, I can’t stop glancing over. Just to make sure nothing’s there lol.

There’s probably more, but my mom gave me some sleeping pill or something, because I can’t sleep at night…which brings us to the next part:

Mid-Years and Anxiety Don’t Mix

So on Tuesday, I had my History exam. The night before, I didn’t go to sleep until like 6am.

Not really, I was actually just pacing up and down the stairs and occasionally going to the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. I was on edge man. It was like tripping balls, but sober. Like sober tripping. I mean, I could stop pacing anytime I wanted to, but when I did, it didn’t seem “right.” y’know?

Anyway,sure enough, I got to my exam, did like 2/5 pages, and then fell asleep mid-question.

Today I had another exam. And another sleepless night. Last night’s (so Tuesday night) panic attack involved my heart. No matter what I did, my heart was always racing. I was having trouble catching my breath. I didn’t sleep until 7am.
I showed up at my exam 20mins late. It was all multiple choice, read the text/questions, circle the right answer.
There was 40 questions. I fell asleep at question 27. And even then, I skipped the ones that looked hard.
So that means I only actually did like 19.

That’s 2 tests out the window. And tomorrow (Thursday) I got 2 exams in a row. Math, and Science.
So far things aren’t looking so well.

I took the pill my mom gave me, and I feel it kicking it (I’m soooo drowsy right now) but I’m so nervous. I mean, I just took a pill that I know nothing about.

So of course, I had a panic attack after taking it. It’s now 15mins to midnight. And it doesn’t look like I’m sleeping anytime soon.

Not to sound too suicidal, because I don’t feel like killing myself or something. But I’m tired of this shit. I’ve been fighting this for like 2 weeks and I’m fucking up my grades.

I’m supposed to go to some clinic soon. But my mom lost the info card. So…..I still don’t know what’s going on with that.

*sigh*
k I’m done lol.

~Nass