Hi all.
Since I’m on winter break, I decided it’d be a good idea to try typing something out…
Long story short, shit isn’t really working out for me right now. (wow why the fuck does the blogs on this site follow some sort of trend lol?)
Every now & then, there comes a point in my year where I really don’t feel motivated to do anything. I don’t wanna go to school, I don’t wanna talk to anyone, I don’t wanna take out the trash, I don’t wanna do anything really. I just sit at home with my door locked and feel bad about myself for a bit.
Sometimes that period only lasts for a few days, sometimes a week. The worst part is that I never truly know why I feel the way I do….I just kinda grit my teeth and wait for it to be over (there’s an easy anal joke here btw)
As you can imagine, I’m going through one of those periods right now. It’s been like almost 2 months, and it’s ruined my life.
I fucked up majority of the classes I worked so hard on all semester, for example, I completely stopped showing up for my English class during the last 2 weeks. Didn’t even hand in my final essay or show up for my final.
The worst part was I actually liked that class, it’s just every time my iPod reminded me that it was time for class, I would just lock up, go home & feel guilty about it for the rest of the day. As you can imagine, I didn’t pass that class.
Any of my other classes I kinda just gave up on. I’d show up but only to talk to friends & kill some time. Despite the fact that this semester was supposed to be “easier” since I wasn’t taking any of my concentration classes, it was probably my worst one yet.
At this point, I don’t even care anymore. I mean I care but at the same time I don’t….y’know? School’s really just at the back of my mind. I just figured to start with that since that’s a standard now right?
The family life is ok I guess. I’m not really a big part in my family as I used to be. As it stands right now, I haven’t actually talked to anyone in my family in like a week..
My mom comes in to check in on me every now & then, just to see if I’m breathing I guess. I sometimes respond, but it’s mostly just a grunt and then I hide under the covers. She’s working full-time now, which she hasn’t done in a while so she’s gone most of the day.
My days go by really quick, I go to bed at like 8am and wake up at 7pm that evening, then just stay in my room until 8am the next morning. I barely feel the need to eat (which probably has to do with my fatigue throughout the day) but I’ll get something to eat late at night, so I don’t need to see anyone.
I still go out maybe once a weekend. Most of the time to raves, but they aren’t as fun as they used to be.
I mean they are but, I just start to get moody throughout the night and it ruins my good time.
You’re probably waiting for me to talk about drugs at this point huh?
I guess in some ways I’m still as reckless as I always was idk.
The only time I do drugs is at raves really. I’ll drink during the week if I got cash, or the balls to steal alcohol from my mom lol. I do get some serious cravings to just do drugs and just forget about stuff for a while but I ignore them..and even if I give in I just feel even worse than I started out anyway.
Some days I just wake up and feel like crying. I couldn’t if I tried but I’m sure someone out there can relate to the feeling.
I’ve been considering going to get help, starting with telling my mom pretty much everything that I’ve typed out here today (maybe omitting the drugs part lol) but I can’t figure out a good way to tell her. I’ve been trying to think of something for like 2 days now but I’m just scared that she won’t take me seriously (usually happens) or if she does, I don’t wanna be a burden…she has enough stuff to deal with right now anyway.
So yeah, that’s kinda it. I have some ideas as to why I feel like shit, but none of them really explain why I’m feeling the way I do (at least to me).
Sorry I just wanted to type this out somewhere since I haven’t told anyone about this yet, hey so at least you guys are the first so you can take pleasure in knowing that! See, you even benefited from reading this
& fuck I keep missing all the cool Skype convos
Anyway, I gotta go to sleep.
EDIT: I’m the the only one who’s STILL sad that Futurama is over??
~Nass
One Comment
Yeah, you should see about getting that checked out. If you’re diagnosed or anything, see your school’s financial aid department and tell them you’ve been diagnosed, are medicated and are looking to give it another shot. They should be like, “Okay, go through this appeal process, and we’ll see about getting your aid extended and wiping your slate.” They’d remove all failures from your transcript and give you a financial aid extension. At least that’s how it works in the United States. But you’re Canadian. It’s an intuitive system though so I assume they’ll do SOMETHING.
Anyways, yeah, tell your mom. And maybe don’t omit the drugs unless you’re CERTAIN they didn’t cause any of the issues. It’s sort of like a full disclosure sort of thing. You can ask the psychiatrist you see not to mention it to your mom and he won’t. You aren’t a minor iirc.