Sleep-deprived Life Rant Blog

Omnomnom.

Well I haven't written a blog in 9 months. Shame. I have a strong urge to delete the last 3 blogs I made because I hate what they say. I'm not sure what I'll write in this blog, so I'm just…winging it and hoping I don't wanna punch myself in the face after reading over it.

LIFE

I've been having a lot of trouble in the past 9 months. I've found myself unable to trust anyone. I can't show them my depressed face. I can't let them know anything.
Which, ehm. Sickens me. Because I know better than to be like this.

I grew up with my mom telling me stories about the worst parts of society. Rape, murder, robbery. I don't know why, but recently these have made a huge effect on me. I can't stand being touched by anyone. Especially not men. Including my dad. Several of the stories my mom told me included women being murdered by close family members. And now I'm scared of my own father. He's noticed it. I know he has. Whenever he puts his hand on my shoulder, I throw it off and yell, "Don't touch me!" Whenever I see him, I feel fear.

I think I'm overreacting. I still love my dad, but… it scares me that he scares me.

However, it's not like I'm chronically depressed. In fact, I've found it a lot easier to pretend the bad things aren't there. So while most other girls my age set their Facebook statuses to things like "UGH. I hate my parents! I hate life!", my status just says "LESS QQ MOAR PEWPEW!"

I suppose to all my long time friends, they'd think I'm the happiest I've ever been. In many ways, I am. But just because I pretend somethings not there, doesn't mean it is.

I don't know what I'm saying. My mind is confused. I don't know what I want to say. Less QQ, moar pewpew.

SCHOOL

Um. I'm doing bad. I don't care to elaborate 🙂

FRIENDS

I'm amazed by how judgmental my friends are. One day in geometry, we got our quiz grades and averages. One girl started crying and immediately her friends (most of whom are also my friends) swooped in and began comforting her.
I sat right behind this girl, so at first I thought "Damn. Maybe I was wrong about burdening others with your problems. Maybe they actually comfort each other."
The teacher noticed the girl was crying, so she excused her to the restroom and resumed the lesson.

I then overheard the following conversation:
"What the hell was she crying for? Bad grades? whoopdeedoo."
"Something about being angry at herself for…being sad about her grades. I don't get it. Does she just want our attention?"
"Probably. She's overreacting anyway."
"There was no point in her crying. She just interrupted the class."

Trying to figure out whose voices they were, I looked around the room and found they were the same people who were just comforting the crying girl. My friends. And supposedly her friends too.

Why the poo. Would you comfort your crying friend. And then talk about her behind her back?
WHY NOT JUST BE A FLAT OUT BITCH TO HER? I DON'T GET IT.

Also. A couple of my friends are becoming..selfish. little. sluts. Or maybe it's just because of my new fear of being touched.
For example. This one friend of mine, let's call her G.
Recently, G has started dating a mexican boy. Let's call him B. Now, G's parents are divorced, so she lives with her father. And like most Asian parents, G is not allowed to date. But of course, that hasn't stopped her from dating 7 different people in the past 2 years.
But now that she's dating B, it's different. In a bad way. She's always with him. She never tells her dad where she is. Normally, she's probably in a corner making out with B while her dad is at home frantically calling all her friends trying to figure out where the HELL she is because school ended FIVE hours ago, and she still wasn't home.
On numerous occasions, her dad has called me, "CONNIE! CONNIE! HAVE YOU SEEN G? Oh God. I've called her phone but she didn't pick up. None of her friends know where she is! The bus already came by our street 2 hours ago. What if something happened to her?"
I always want to tell him, "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you this. But your daughter has been dating this boy for a month. And she's probably with him…in a room…FULLY CLOTHED, OF COURSE. Ha. Ha…ha."
But instead, I say, "I'm sorry sir. Let me ask. -waits 5 seconds- Someone said that she's walking home with a friend. She probably stopped by McDonalds first."

I feel so bad for her dad. He's barely considered middle class. He's 60+ years old, having to take care of his teenage daughter who is always off with her secret boyfriend. I sometimes have to ask her dad for a ride home and all he ever tells me is, "I'm worried about G. Her grades are dropping and I never know where she is."
All I can say is, "I'm sure she'll pull through. Don't worry, sir. G is a good girl. She knows what she's doing."

…fuuuck.

RELATIONSHIPS

So. I gotz a boyfriend. We've only dated for 2 or 3 months. Not that big of a deal. The only problem is that I have trouble finding interest in him sometimes. Before we started dating, he would sometimes want hugs from me. Hugging is the limit I can go nowadays. And no giant long bear hugs.
Then one day while in the orchestra room, he walks up to me and opens his arms for a hug. I nod, giving him approval. He goes in for the hug and says, "Connie, will you go out with me?"

Have you ever seen the face of somebody who just walked in on their parents having sex?
Yeah. That was my face at that moment.

Blahblahblah, I said yes. Blahblahblah.

It disturbs me. Because the week we started dating, he already started with the "I LOOOVEEE YOUU <333"
and I'm just like "Haha. I love you too… :)" -COUGH –

I'm trying to get rid of my whole "DUN TOUCH ME" problem. He's already noticed that I won't hold hands with him or kiss him. He learned that the hard way when he kissed my cheek before we left school for the Thanksgiving break and I flipped out on him.

I think he's fine with the no touching, as long as he gets his hug. But it makes me feel like I've let him down.

Maybe I should just end it. Because nothing is going to happen. Honestly we're pretty much just acquaintances that hug and say "ily" every once and a while. I find myself constantly comparing him to Jeffery. I'm over Jeffery by now, but I'm not over the relationship I had with him.
I miss being able to talk about my problems with him, and listening to his too. I miss being able to shout meme after meme at him, and he'd still understand everything I said. And he wouldn't think I was weird. I miss how I could easily feel comfortable with him. I wasn't pressured by him or friends to do anything. We just…simply were.

I'M A BAD GIRLFRIEND

And that ends my annual blog. KEKEKE.

Dayum. I was supposed to sleep an hour ago. But I type too slow. Now it's 6:20 AM 😀

EDIT: Anyone remember this? 🙂